Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

Mystik, I agree that it was your H's responsibility to check his mail and that you guys need to get the "business" part of the schedule.

You sound a lot stronger! Are you feeling better? I mean better, not fabulous! That would be silly to expect. I keep forgetting that only a couple of months ago, your H was planning on moving back in with you. I mainly remembered that it was when you discovered OW was pregnant.

So talk about triple trauma...cheating, false R, pregnant OW. Of course you would be deeply depressed. LUCKILY you are climbing out of it!

I also understand what you mean about going dark and not getting closer to working on your relationship. When our spouses are cheating and living with OW...well their priority is their relationship with OW. So the benefit of going dark is for us to heal and detach (tuck away hope but do not have a timeline!). The other benefits MIGHT include our spouse missing us and trying to get their needs 100% met by OW but finding they come up short.

Now let's examine the flip side- are you strong enough to be able to work on your relationship when you will be experiencing severe rejection? (because he is with OW) Mind games and blameshifting? Be able to avoid R talks? Be able to suppress crying? I don't think you are there yet.

In my case, if S was older, I think I would have done: gone
dark for awhile to heal and improve and GAL, then emerged light and bright and making some connections with H but being obviously busy, and while he was drawn to me, filed for D (truly it is emotional but you can always withdraw it). In fact, that was my plan during the month of June! I was going to file in July- was convinced he was just going to stall. But I wanted to do it when he wouldn't WANT to lose me if that makes sense. And I had to do it when I was prepared to follow through or else he might think I was just playing a game.

So it is an idea for you to try...if you want (although remember, my stbxh still served me with D papers! but doesn't the plan sound good?)

For a little longer, you stay dark, come across strong and independent and in charge like you describe in your recent posts (GO MYSTIK!). You stop crying easily because you are healing. You GAL. Then, a couple of months from now, you emerge from the darkness. Your H will be wondering "wow, what is UP with Mystik's positive attitude and energy? Why is she feeling so good? What is she doing? Could she possibly be moving on?" He becomes intrigued and attracted again!

Currently, it is unlikely that your H is drawn to you due to your depression and hurt and he can tell that you still long for him. Yet your H does not want to move on from you either. But he is not in a rush to end his affair, since he sees you will still be there waiting and he also may have promised to stay with her through the pregnancy. But once the baby comes....?

Just make sure you have a plan for D as well. Facing it will make it less scary but it doesn't mean it will happen, either!