I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

ok so something veddy interrresting happened (and sad) with my friend's parents. This is my friend, C, that I was talking to the other night who was just appalled that I had any hope for reconciliation still (I MEANT WAY DOWN THE ROAD IF HE WAS REMORSEFUL AND I WASN'T IN A RELATIONSHIP- I don't want the foggy stbxh!). She suggested I tried to hate stbxh, because he is just an awful, vile, disgusting human being who is not the man I married and I must be mentally ill to still want him.

OK well when I listened but did not agree, I did not say A WORD because I was just thinking "there is no way that she will ever ever understand because she hasn't been through this and she wasn't married to MY stbxh and she doesn't have my life. She obviously doesn't think people can change for the better"

She was upset that I didn't agree and said "you are so stubborn! Your mind is made up and no one can convince you otherwise!" Yep. She's right. It's my life, my divorce, my grieving process, my problems to work out. But I do love her and know she comes from a good place.

WELL she tells me today that last night, her mother was cleaning out the closet and found a letter from 20 years ago...from some woman who apparently was having an affair with her dad! The letter said something about the woman thinking she could be pregnant and what did he want to do about it.

Now, her dad was in rehab at the time. I guess during her childhood, he was a raging alcoholic...verbally abusive and neglectful. Her mom left him numerous times but stuck with him. Finally, when my friend was in high school, they arranged an intervention and he went to rehab and actually "recovered!" (you know how they say 5% or some low number are successful the first time)

So her mom then admitted to my friend that back then, she suspected he was having one night stands here and there so she got her revenge and slept with a friend of the family but never told her dad. You can imagine how shocked C was to hear not just that her dad cheated, but so did her mom, AND there could be a half sibling of hers out there (probably not)! But my friend was in shock and said that "ah well, it's water under the bridge. My dad was sick at the time. They've been married 40 years! I had no idea about any of this! And they still love each other and are together?"

I said comforting things (I hope) and expressed my shock as well, we hashed out infidelity info and then toward the end Isaid "youknow it is amazing that your dad actually did a 180 and turned his life around. I bet your mom and family never believed it was possible!"

She said "no, my mom always believed in him. I mean she obviously got scared and mad but she loves him and always believed he would kick the habit. The intervention was a last resort but luckily it worked."

Hmmm....so although her dad treated the family horribly during his alcoholic days(what a vile, horrible, disgusting man! I hope you see that I am being sarcastic), he is now a good man and he changed! Time will tell if my stbxh ever does shed his foggy cheating selfish skin, and sadly we will be divorced. But I still think it is possible. Heck, I could be remarried when he comes out of this crisis, but I do believe he will.

Unfortunately, I think my friend learned that life is just not what it seems but I also hope she realized that people CAN change for the better.