Just found out she already filed

[whatisis]

The school is gated? Who gives a sh!t about gated, buy your kid a gun and teach her to use it, it's a cheaper alternative. As an American citizen she has a constitutional right to bare arms or is that to have bare arms, I can never get that straight. But, on second thought, how about throwing one of those Taser parties and buy her one of the pink models, maybe one with Hannah Montana on the handle. Less prison time for you if she messes up with a Taser. So there you go, I've solved another problem for you! Aren't you glad I dropped by tonight? Who knows what other kind of crazy advice people might have given you without me at your side!

[BobbiJo]

Ugh, I feel your pain. Lots of times I want to tear into my ex. But I don't think it would do anything besides make me feel good for about 10 seconds. Long-term I am trying to be the best example for my kids. So I resist the urge...

[NoLongerHere]

Can I just lose my cool for once? pleaseeee? can I just tell her how much of a loser she is now that I see her true colors? When do I get to say it?...

So...can I just say something?

You can say it whenever you want.
1) It doesn't change anything
2) It doesn't make you feel better, really, because she doesn't HEAR it. Yeah, been there - ooohhhh I'm going to make a really good point here... and it doesn't penetrate. Because she has a different point of view. So you'll be just as frustrated after as you were before. And you'll feel more deflated.
3) It makes tensions run higher, which as some of the others pointed out, is counterproductive to your goals. The process you're going through, every comment is a hair-trigger. Perfectly reasonable things to say can throw you guys around the bend. It's in your own best interests to keep things as level as possible.

Of course, she's surrounded by several divorced women friends lately

Funny how that happens.

[NoLongerHere]

2) It doesn't make you feel better, really, because she doesn't HEAR it. Yeah, been there - ooohhhh I'm going to make a really good point here... and it doesn't penetrate. Because she has a different point of view. So you'll be just as frustrated after as you were before. And you'll feel more deflated.

Find other ways to work it out. Talk to us, talk to friend, walk, run, jump rope, get a punching bag. You DO need a release.

This is a part of the habits - we're used to resolving problems through talking. We're used to a partner that WANTS to work with us to solve problems, that is willing to compromise, that is in a marriage. That listens. And we'll keep going to that well over and over again unless we stop ourselves. Need to break the habits. She's changed the dynamics with a lot of intention. She's even getting coaching about how to do it, if you're right.

[whatisis]

Geronimo is right SR. I know there were times when I lost it with my wife and all that happened was negative. Sure, it felt good to call her names and rip a strip off her but, in the end, it wasn't worth it. It didn't happen often but we were living together while the SA was being finalized so it was difficult. So vent, punch your pillow, cry...do whatever will get you some relief but don't bother going for the kill, there is nothing to be gained...really!

[newmama]

Romeo...Gardener has it right about your words NOT penetrating the stbx! It falls on deaf ears and then it may make her fight nastier. She can find a way to use it against you somehow, too.

Vent here and try your best to keep the business questions emotionally void. She will be expecting you to get all angry and nasty so try to get some satisfaction in knowing that
1) you have self restraint
2) you are taking the high road (for your daughter, for your daughter, for your daughter--it is how I have forced myself not to flip out!)
3) you aren't giving her any ammo to use against you,and nothing to fuel the fire!

[ImprovedRomeo]

I know, thanks guy! Geronimo that was a nice note and it helped me. I haven't said anything to her since she had her lawyer send mine a letter so I've decided to not discuss anything with her directly if she chooses to go through the lawyers. It's like training Fido!

Here's what she wrote me a few days ago that got under my skin (probably what she intended anyway):

So, to make her attend public school that was unacceptable last year and probably more so this year just to get back at me for getting support is unfair to DD. But you do what you think is right.

She's talking about fairness and what's right now? what about when she took me to court to get the max support?! She knows it too that's why she said what she said above. Sure I'm bitter about it but has nothing to do with me trying to use DD as an ammo to get back at her. In fact, I do want DD to go to the private school at least until she's a bit older but the fact is she left me no money and even if I agree to her paying for it not sure how that'll work financially since now there are two households to support on pretty much one salary since she's now making barely over min wage since she can't find work in her field. But speaking of fairness and doing the right thing what about when she single handidly decided to pick up and leave? what about when she decided to become a part-time parent for her own selfish motives? and what about using the law when it suits her?

The really f'd up thing is this morning I saw a cute girl (who goes running at 8AM, don't these people work?) running as I was turning into the parking lot at work and it made me miss her...dammit, I'm so screwed up. OK back to work...

[bluestar]

SR, you noticed the cute girl. That's a big step. Pretty soon, you'll notice and only think about how you can get her number. You're not screwed up. It's really important step.

Are you working with your L about the support? How optimistic is the L about it getting adjusting? Also, just a note, time equals money. Get more time with your D and you'll pay less money. Fight for as much time as you can get. Not to get back at your W or just to reduce support but time is THE most important thing you can give your D. You sound like a great dad. A d's most important connection is with her father.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Bluestar, thanks for your kind words. Well wii and the others here have told me I'm forbidden from getting involved with any girls or even thinking about them...hypocrites I tell ya!

Seriously though...sometimes I just want her and things to go back to the way they used to be 5 years ago before all this crap started. But deep down I know it just won't work, things are too far gone between us, there's no trust left after she's done this so many times. I just have to suck it up and prepare myself for whatever the future will look like.

Well the L hasn't said much other than if I can't make ends meet then the court will take that into consideration. As for more time with DD, we split her time 50/50 equally. We keep her two days at a time Mon-Thu and then on the weekends (Fri-Sun) we alternate every other week. Traveling etc does make a slight difference but it's not very often and we work it out amongst us. We both feel it's important that DD gets to see us often and in equal lengths of time.

Bluestar, I read your latest sitch this morning...sounds like you and H are doing well I hope you guys don't sweep the issues under the rug like we did after our last reconciliation. I tried to do things just to keep her happy but it only got us so far. So please (as OldFool advised me way back when and I didn't heed it) whatever the issues were before work on them and continue work on them consistently. Keep your channels of communication open and clear! Goodluck to you guys!

[whatisis]

Bluestar, thanks for your kind words. Well wii and the others here have told me I'm forbidden from getting involved with any girls or even thinking about them...hypocrites I tell ya!

Hey, I never forbid you from looking...so I'll do that now!