So my point is he wants me as a friend. He doesn't have too many other than OW and he cut off his friends once he started his A. I strangely feel a little bad for him but luckily my mental health isn't that messed up where I am giving him my friendship while he is divorcing me. No more DBing, only self preservation at this time. So I can feel a little bad but not enough to sacrifice my needs.
I know exactly how you feel. My H has been doing the same thing for the past few weeks. My H was very few friends as well. My H emailed me the other day- "I hope you had a nice week off and your father is doing well". My H hasn't moved in with OW but has gotten his own apartment. The other week after closing on my mortgage he asked how I was doing..I responded a quick 'good'. I asked how he was and he responded...'ah'. Then he proceeded to ask if he should call my family and say something..he never had a chance to say anything to them. WTF.
As he was over tonight picking up some more of his stuff..he asks "How is your father doing?"..I told him that we can't be friends...he asked why. I just said that we can't.
He sent a text later saying that he felt lousy.
It is so difficult. I feel like being friends with the stbx is saying what he did was OK. It isn't OK. What qualities do they have that you would want in a friend? Honesty- nope. Respectful- nope. Loyalty- nope.
It is so hard to accept that a man you were sharing your life with, sleeping with, raising a child with (in your case)..has become a complete stranger. I think the situation could be so different if our H's walked away and treated us with respect in the process perhaps.
On the other hand...it isn't healthy to harbor resentment..and forgiveness is for us too. right? At least this what I read about all the time. Self preservation. I can relate.
Newmama, Legally, you can't file a change of address with the USPS for your H. Only he can do that. You can, however,write "No longer at this address" on his mail & put it right back in your mailbox.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I feel like being friends with the stbx is saying what he did was OK. It isn't OK. What qualities do they have that you would want in a friend? Honesty- nope. Respectful- nope. Loyalty- nope.
Pretty much exactly what I told X when she approached me to be friends about 6 weeks after our D.
Originally Posted By: lolawar
On the other hand...it isn't healthy to harbor resentment..and forgiveness is for us too. right?
Exactly right, but forgiveness + no resentment does not = friends in my book.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Geronimo, sorry that I misunderstood! Ok well now I need to ask you how you mentally and emotionally deal with coparenting right now but I will also go back and read your thread in case you don't want to repeat yourself!
Lola-what a relief to hear you also feel kinda bad for your ex but at the same time told him you can't be friends. I DO want to get to forgiveness (the gift we give ourselves!) but my old way of forgiving people was to take a break from them, process what happened, see things from their perspective, then voila- forgiveness. Obviously I need to find another way to do it since "taking a break" from seeing stbxh is not possible.
Mystik, I haven't visited your thread in awhile. I hope you are doing better! Umm...you might want to also read Confused Wife and WhatNow's thread to see how to deal with kids and interactions with their estranged husbands who are with OWs.I really have been humbled by their situations and admire the dignity in which they handle themselves. Confused Wife has to see the OW too often for my comfort! Whatnow's H is trying to strike up a relationship with her again while he is still with OW! And of course SeeingRed has been dealing with this crap for way too long but staying optimistic, being an awesome mom to her kids, and sharing everything she is learning with us!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Gardener- luckily for me, I don't foresee any issues with stbxh not changing his address in a timely manner now that he has an "official" residence. It is confusing to me though that he didn't change his address when he rented that empty apartment for 6 months...what a waste of $800 per month! BUT IF I AM WRONG and stbxh stalls on the address change, I will remember to not break the law and do it myself!
Red, your example of how your FIL started being decent at the last hour of his life still shows that people are capable of changing. We know they can change for the worse, but apparently they can for the better. It is a strange phenomenon where the wayward spouse is so self absorbed that they are not able to empathize with their betrayed spouse- especially in my stbxh's case where his ex wife cheated on him! So wtf?!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
ok so something veddy interrresting happened (and sad) with my friend's parents. This is my friend, C, that I was talking to the other night who was just appalled that I had any hope for reconciliation still (I MEANT WAY DOWN THE ROAD IF HE WAS REMORSEFUL AND I WASN'T IN A RELATIONSHIP- I don't want the foggy stbxh!). She suggested I tried to hate stbxh, because he is just an awful, vile, disgusting human being who is not the man I married and I must be mentally ill to still want him.
OK well when I listened but did not agree, I did not say A WORD because I was just thinking "there is no way that she will ever ever understand because she hasn't been through this and she wasn't married to MY stbxh and she doesn't have my life. She obviously doesn't think people can change for the better"
She was upset that I didn't agree and said "you are so stubborn! Your mind is made up and no one can convince you otherwise!" Yep. She's right. It's my life, my divorce, my grieving process, my problems to work out. But I do love her and know she comes from a good place.
WELL she tells me today that last night, her mother was cleaning out the closet and found a letter from 20 years ago...from some woman who apparently was having an affair with her dad! The letter said something about the woman thinking she could be pregnant and what did he want to do about it.
Now, her dad was in rehab at the time. I guess during her childhood, he was a raging alcoholic...verbally abusive and neglectful. Her mom left him numerous times but stuck with him. Finally, when my friend was in high school, they arranged an intervention and he went to rehab and actually "recovered!" (you know how they say 5% or some low number are successful the first time)
So her mom then admitted to my friend that back then, she suspected he was having one night stands here and there so she got her revenge and slept with a friend of the family but never told her dad. You can imagine how shocked C was to hear not just that her dad cheated, but so did her mom, AND there could be a half sibling of hers out there (probably not)! But my friend was in shock and said that "ah well, it's water under the bridge. My dad was sick at the time. They've been married 40 years! I had no idea about any of this! And they still love each other and are together?"
I said comforting things (I hope) and expressed my shock as well, we hashed out infidelity info and then toward the end Isaid "youknow it is amazing that your dad actually did a 180 and turned his life around. I bet your mom and family never believed it was possible!"
She said "no, my mom always believed in him. I mean she obviously got scared and mad but she loves him and always believed he would kick the habit. The intervention was a last resort but luckily it worked."
Hmmm....so although her dad treated the family horribly during his alcoholic days(what a vile, horrible, disgusting man! I hope you see that I am being sarcastic), he is now a good man and he changed! Time will tell if my stbxh ever does shed his foggy cheating selfish skin, and sadly we will be divorced. But I still think it is possible. Heck, I could be remarried when he comes out of this crisis, but I do believe he will.
Unfortunately, I think my friend learned that life is just not what it seems but I also hope she realized that people CAN change for the better.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Unfortunately, we don't know when our H's will come out of the fog! We can only hope that they will someday for their sake! We know tha WE will be ok no matter what!
Does your friend think a little differently now about your situation?
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
When my H said he wanted to be friends, I told him I would not be friends with him outside of our marital relationship, AND that my friends do not treat me the way he was treating me (living with his mistress) and stay a part of my life.
For what it is worth.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I don't think the "H's" will change unless they make the choice to rid OW from their lives for good. Then they have to learn and grow and learn to be on their own. That will take too long and we all have better things to do then wait on them (like for example, eat three ice cream sandwiches).
I don't think my H wants to keep my hooked. I think my H doesn't have the best friend he had in me with OW. She is pretty and I am guessing a good roll in the hay but knowing what I know of her she is not the "good girl" I am. She is not the fiercely loyal person I am. My H will never find another best friend like me. He knows that.
