Hmmm... good question, Allen. It's been so long (13 years) I have to think back. When he had the Cyber Affair he never was mean - never said his life was screwed up and it was all my fault. He might've thought it, but never said it. Yet, he was detached somewhat then as well but not to the point he is now. Of course, back then he was probably not dealing with mid-life crap either.
Something I totally forgot to add: in our 3rd year of marriage, when our first 2 kids were very young, he left and wanted out! He claimed at that time the same sort of stuff he's claiming now: that he needed a fresh start, etc... I tried and tried to prove an A at that time but never could. He went to live with a buddy of his and was then deployed. (Was in the service at the time.) During his deployment he decided he wanted to reconcile. Obviously, we did.
SO, this is somewhat of a pattern for him I guess you would say. It was almost 4 years inbetween the separation and the online thing. Then, we had a great 10 year run. The last few years have not been great, but they have not been bad. I take my share of the blame for that. Neither of us made our marriage a priority. The bomb took me by surprise but I will agree, a change is needed.
My IC says that given H's background, it's no wonder he wants to cut and run at the sign of any problem. It's been modeled in his life over and over - by his mom, his birth dad, and his stepdad. His family doesn't even make any attempt to know our children: they are all emotionally disconnected people.
