Exposure isn't just about embarassing the spouse, though that's part of the driver no doubt...
What about your H's family? Think about all the people who were there at your wedding who were really helpful.. THOSE are the SAME people you want to turn to AGAIN when things are BAD like this...
Marriages are the building blocks of community.. people come together when things are good :
weddings, children, graduations, etc
people come together when things are bad :
injury, cancer, problem teenagers, natural disasters, infidelity
This is teh time to rally your circle togehter to support you fighting for your marriage...
Exposure isnt' about villifying the WS, its about having all your family and friends on your side supporting his safe return to the family
Yes, BASH the OW completely if you can... but in this case, its at work so more delicate...
But there MUST be people you can bring into the loop who will HELP you once they know what's going on...
Your HUSBAND will be furious, but it does HELP to ahve friends and family on the side of saving the marriage
After 7-8 hours, my H texted "Well it is not fair to me or our daughter. Can you at least have her call me tonight?" This was about an hour ago and I haven't responded.
My interpretation of it is that it shows that he's still not taking responsibility for his actions - after a whole day of stewing on it he's still going to act like a teenager and blame me. That just proves the "addiction" theory. I have a younger brother who actually has a substance addiction problem and the behavior is similar - "I'm not responsible for anything but if you run tough love with me I'll blame you for everything."
The lawyer I spoke with did advise me to let H talk to our daugther on the phone - so perhaps I will comply with that request, though I won't go home or feel badly about not going home.
Oh, I should add that what my H really wants is for me to be at home with daugher so that he can come and go as he pleases, but has me to fall back on when he wants to be elsewhere. Don't think he wants complete responsibility for her. Case in point: The night my coworkers saw him out kissing OW, he had hung out with daughter at our house the entire day. Then when she went to bed he left me stuck there with her and went out with OW.
Really, that sort of arrangement is a great deal for him but it stinks for me. So I'm not participating.
I think you're doing great Mel, and the fact that you have experience with a loved one with addiction helps a lot... you can use that to your advantage for sure...
He's an addict, he doens't WANT responsability.. Yes, he wants a pleasant stable world at home and no boats rocked.. you not being at home in his pocket like before is leaving him very unsettled... whcih is a GOOD thing.. the more he WORRIES, the more reality comes down on his head... And the more he will wake up
Mel, my default accountability setup is 10% WS and 90% OP... your H was vulnerable and OP took advantage, that's how it is in many cases...
Bullshit. It's 50/50.
Puppy
We will have to put that one on a different thread...
But let me just say this, You are with your wife now, but I doubt you would give OM anything less than a kick in the head if you had the chance.. I can't imagine you are in contact at all... He got off easy in my opinion...
I can back down on the 90/10 a few points, but even most experts give a background on how the affair happened and point to emotional volatility of the WS being a large incentive...
Give it some thought, we can hammer it out elsewhere at a later time
But let me just say this, You are with your wife now, but I doubt you would give OM anything less than a kick in the head if you had the chance.. I can't imagine you are in contact at all... He got off easy in my opinion...
That's a straw man, Allen. One you promised to be with 'til death do you part, and the other you didn't know from a hole-in-the-ground until the ordeal happened.
Yes, there are conditions that lead cheating spouses to cheat, but that doesn't absolve them from their poor decision to try to solve their problems by having an affair. I absolutely agree that OM/OW are "predators," and categorize them as such in my posts, but to lay only 10% of the responsibility for the affair at the feet of the cheating spouse is letting THEM off way too easy.
ok, i won't quibble with the numbers, as long as we understand the bulk of the blame is on the predator... and each case may differ a bit... in my wife's case in particular she had experienced one VERY BAD weekend and less than two weeks later some creep is hitting on her in a chatroom... and she made dozens of attempts to ask OM TO LEAVE and he woudln'T... even her best friend told OM to go away and stop manipulating her and he refused... I think each case is going to differ slightly... but for the moment I will accept 60%... In my household's case its more like 90/10... OM in my household never made a single attempt to end the affair... not one... and she told him numerous times she had to end things... he woudln't listen
