Thank for the input. Although I agree with 2W about the effects of divorce as laid out so clearly in DR, finding the same info without referringto DR (as I don't want her to know about it) is a huge problem. Most research i google always tries to minimize or put a sunny side on the effects to lessen the guilt on the only people who would want to know the effects- divorcing folks.
I also agree with Sandi on not leaving this around for a guilt trip. I'm sure that she's not having a good time (maybe now a little) but the last two years that she took to "consider this option" must have been awful on her. And it showed. I'm not softening on my stance on D. I am however appreciating how dificult it must have been to "think about this that long" because I know one of the reasons she waited til now is that D is over two and more self-sufficient. Not an excuse. But a rational consideration on her part. I don't envy her that.
But to get back to the R, I have to tell you Sandi that she is not showing me; she is offering me to touch. I will consider not touching unless invited but I'm still thinking that if that is what she was missing and I can show her that "it's back", maybe there will be less reason to leave.
Sandi, and I ask you specifically, if you are inviting someone to touch you by showing them a knot in a neck; a scar that has a bump; or even a pimple (which all require a touch to inspect), isn't that different than me "seeking or asking" to touch you? Doesn't that change things? As I said, if she is noticing changes in me emotionally; could this not be seeing if I changed physically/affectionately as well?
Allen and PDT, I know this may sound like mindreading but hear me out. Isn't my theory plausible? Not saying this is what's happening cause we don't know. What I am saying is that IF I DON'T RESPOND TO INVITATION, surely I would be validating her "D Opinion" of me as a withdrawn, unaffectionate husband and she won't live in a marriage like that. That is the crux of her poition in this.
I'm trying to find a DB position on this. I'm hoping all of the experience can recall a similar example that failed due to a complete physical detachment. I don't want to be another example and we all see the pattern AFTER.
On a good note, I found some intersting Canadian law that essentially gives me an excemption on assets (home equiuty) I put into this one. The old mortgagae was mine. So half of what came from the old house is reserved for me. Coles Notes- she could go from pulling 40K to maybe 10K to walk. And I go from 40 to 70. That will benefit D and I and she gets less "reward" for the D. I'm not as stressed as I was.
But I'd really like more "weigh in" on my proposal below.
Originally Posted By: Callasdad
(yes, I will verify her actions and if there is an A)
If she is interactive and 'her old self', I have decided I will ask about her day.(These are new things I have added to my 180's- if she is interactive, I ask about her day and the "best part") I will show her the man I was and am again now (or working really hard toward it). I will be the adult and the strong leader. And,I will try to touch her just once. Simple. Just human touch.
If she is not behaving as normal or counter to the direction I intend our family to travel, she will see none of it. I will find something else to do. I will also be diligent of boundaries of time; and when she is here she must be "here". Texting and FB can be done when we aren't interacting with each other or D.
So although she has dropped the bomb, it is not a licence to have an open marriage; nor be unaccountable; or rude. I am going to set up life for D and I with structure. It's safe and predictable.
Home is for family. Single, selfish behaviour will not be tolerated or ignored.
But I will keep my strength and keep GAL'ing and getting myself centered on who I want to be.
If she likes what she sees when she is "open', then great. If not, I'll tell her she needs to make a decision because I won't do it for her.
If W begins to feel the "family feel", great. If not, fine too. Sad but fine. But I will lead and she must make the choice to follow "US" or go it alone.
