then I would say that maybe him calling and talking to me indicates that maybe he needed someone to talk to. So I believe this is now the perfect time for me to go dark.
Be careful here Irish.
Being sensitive to his pain and it causing you pain is a razor's edge. You don't want to end up the brunt of it.
I would more descibe it as understanding that he is in pain and that is what is driving his behavior.
Undertsanding that there is really no way of knowing what is going on in his head. Why he is doing this.
You have no knowledge of this and you don't want it.
You are looking for answers.
Answers about you? From H?
Understanding will help you deal with the maelstrom of emotions and crazy MLCness that gets thrown your way.
When you detach and go on this journey we gain a new understanding of this.
Sooooo...
Going dark? This I believe should be done to protect YOU.
NOT as a tactic to punish or manipulate your H.
Think about why you decided to do this.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I wanted you to answer the questions for a couple reasons..
One-I wanted you to really dig deep and think about the you that you want to be. Whether or not it is with him, it doesn't really matter.
What you may realize is, that is the you ,that is on display for the world to see.
What that was ....was a personality characteristic within you...
The remorse after, was your character. That is who you are inside when nobody is watching....your core belief.
Two- you recognized a trigger within you, a button that he can push that will turn you into the person he needs you to be , so that he can justify what he is doing....
Remove that-----QUICKLY, before he pushes it again.
With recognizing that trigger, you have also defined who you want to be, and one of the things that you want to do differently.
Don't like the Bitch-Switch within ?
Kill it.
Try to hold these three words in your head during your interactions...
Dignity, Honor, and Grace...
They have worked well for my friend Brooklyn ( BTW, nickel )
Sometimes, one has to be the change that they want to see...
Soon, you will find yourself asking the same questions I asked you, BEFORE you respond.
TG and Mach - again I thank you for saying things I need to hear. Without this site - I feel completely alone. The details of I Michelle's book as well as the entire chapter on MLC. I have read several texts on sexual addictions and would place my husband in an "acute" phase - which is not very comforting. Detachment will be my salvation - I realize this. I have questions about going dark... If he calls, do I answer or return his call? Is it appropriate to establish (civilly) that limiting our interactions to text and/or emails will be healthier at this point for me? I would like to think I could go the next 5-6 weeks without seeing him. We are scheduled to both head to FL for son's tournament. Would really like to see how much healing and balance I can bring to myself by avoiding difficult interactions. Is this unreasonable?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Do you really think that limiting your contact to email and text would be better for you? If you do, of course you can set that boundary. Do not set it as a way to punish though. I would also like to point out that it can be really easy to read into texts etc tones that may or may not be there.
If you need to do this for you, do it. As far as his calls go, what does he call about? If it's mostly (or all) about S, I would at least listen to his message before deciding how quickly to return the call (or text).
Grace - Thanks for the advice. My feelings or need to go dark have a lot to do with self-protection. A few posts ago Cat asked some very pointed questions about how I actually feel about the multiple deceptions, indiscretions with prostitutes, and presumed sexual addiction. I realized that I have been avoiding my feelings and instead trying to normalize everything in an effort to not lose H. It really is not an attempt to punish - but I am scared and confused about it being perceived that way. Is the LRT and going dark one in the same? I understand your point about email/text versus live conversation. I want to be able to trust my instincts - but they haven't really been strong of late.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Ultimately you have to search yourself for whats best for you in your sitch. I'm just pointing some things out.
What you have to figure out is what gives you strength (not for your M, but for your life) and makes you feel really good about who you are. That's tough. We can tend to look outside ourselves for answers that only we have.
Going dark could be an LRT, it isn't the only one. Remember that LRT's aren't ploy's or tricks.
If you truly aren't trying to punish, don't worry about how your actions are perceived. If you aren't sure b/c of fear, take the time you need to figure it out. If that means setting up a firm schedule for visitation and either not seeing him or keeping it to a minimum b/c you are busy and have things to take care of....namely you, then do that.
If you con't take care of you mentally and physically, you can't take care of anyone else esp S. I know how hard it is. You can do it.
Like Grace said, going dark, is something that you do for you. For self protection, to remove yourself from the drama, and to give yourself the time and space that YOU need to heal.
LRT-IMO that is a state of mind more than a techinque. It is throwing down the gauntlet so to speak. It is an ultimatium.
It is NOT something you want to do, unless you are ready to accept the outcome no matter what it is.
Because your H, very well could say, "ok I will file" instead of making the choice to work on the M, which, at this point is what you want.
Questions that I ask, are not trying to be cruel, are not trying to convince you of anything one way or the other.
I, and no one else here, can or should, tell you what decision you should make about the outcome of your M. Only you can make that decision.
However, something those of us who have been her a while have learned, sometimes through being challenged in much the same way, is that the only way to really be able to make any decisions that are not later filled with tons of regret, is to do the work, look at the hard things, and work on healing.
Otherwise, as Grit pointed out, Bitterville isn't too far away.
I am glad to see that you have read about some of H's issues and are working towards understanding them.
I am also very glad to see you thinking about some of the things that you have wanted to ignore. (Which would be easier for now, but would come back to bite you in the butt later).
Irish, you can do this. Just the fact that you really want to says a lot to me. About you, your character, your commitment.
I would suggest that boundaries about contact for now might not be a bad idea if they will serve you in YOUR process.
LRT, probably not the route you want to take at this point.
Your healing, will benefit not only you, but your children and all interactions you have with all people in the future.
Have a good evening.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I can only keep saying thank you! This is a very lonely journey and loneliness has been something I have spent a lifetime avoiding. Something I read said that the difference between feeling lonely and being alone is when you are lonely - someone is just away but will return. Alone is when there is no one coming home. For me - this is how I feel about H. I never felt lonely with him. So I've gone straight to the alone side. Rationally of course I know that I'm not alone - but right or wrong I built my whole life around him and the kids. I realized yesterday during IC that I have always identified myself as a wife and mother. Never as a woman or an individual. I guess this is now the gift of this horrid situation. I have to begin to define myself as a mother and a woman. BTW - had never discussed this site with IC and was grateful to know she was aware of the site and truly supportive of the guidance, messages and support available here. You all are GREAT!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
In my continuing efforts to gain a better understanding of this nightmare I find myself and my family in - I re-read several texts regarding marriage, separation, and addiction. I came across this piece and it struck me that there are similarities between pieces of MLC and sex addiction. Phases of Sex Addiction:
1. Initiation Phase – catalytic events and/or catalytic environments combine with individual tendencies to precipitate addiction. In contrast to healthy, life enhancing sexual activity, sex now becomes the “drug of choice,” used to escape or cope. (found my husband's stash of porn) 2. Establishment Phase – behavior patters are established. The addictive cycle forms and is repeated; trance-like preoccupation intensified by rituals leads to compulsive sex behavior, which is followed by shame and despair. For descriptive purposes, addicts whose behavior stays more or less consistently at the base line of established addiction are said to remain in the establishment phase. (phone chats begin) 3. Contingent Phase (Escalation Mode) – The individuals addictive system is now fully established and given certain events and environments, begins to escalate – more intensity, more frequency, more risk, more unmanageability, etc. Behavior may escalate at a varying rate, or it may de-escalate. (find second phone / physical encounters begin - engaged in IC, MC - he continues hook-ups) 4. Contingent Phase (De-escalation Mode) – In this mode, the addiction is still fully established, but for various reasons, addictive behaviors are less frequent, less risky; in general, there is less unmanageability. Behavior may de-escalate for the remainder of the addict’s life without the addict dismantling the internal addictive system and really recovering. Or behavior may escalate and the addiction may progress to the acute phase. (H discloses illness / engages in heavy doses of therapy and recovery for approximately 3 months / needs a fix ) 5. Acute Phase – the individual breaks with reality, abandoning his or her value system, becoming alienated from significant others and isolated within him-or herself. Typically, addiction plateaus at a high level of activity; behavior patterns become rigid. The addiction cycle is played out despite obvious risks; preoccupation is almost constant while shame and despair are seldom, if ever, felt. The addiction may continue to an end state, stopped only by physical or social consequences such as death or confinement. Or addiction may de-escalate. (Late April, 10 - ILYBNLILWY - detaches from marriage - meanness escalates, no emotions, no remorse - just wants free from me / begins phone chats again / separated) 6. Chronic Phase – the addiction is irreversible and, as such, no longer responsive to any treatment. Most chronic phase addicts are institutionalized. Behavior is limited only by opportunity. (Fearful of H hitting )
Why am I studying this? I find myself sometimes waivering between is it SA or MLC - WTF????? It doesn't matter!!!! My H is sick and I have been a co-addict in the process!! (I wish you knew how painful it is for me to admit this!) The co-addict rarely leaves the relationship. More than anything, the co-addict tries to maintain appearances that everything is under control, that the family is a "Better Homes and Gardens" family. To leave would break the image and acknowledge to the world the weakness of the relationship.
God that hurts!!!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time