I also saw my psych (the one who met WH) and we talked about how lack of imagination had probably made my marriage stagnate. Instead of being creative about making positive changes to our lives, we just drifted along doing what wasn't working, then WH felt 'trapped', of course which was exacerbated when we found out I was pregnant. WH was so *overhwelmed, he left.
My counselor had me think back over our courtship and marriage and write down 10-15 "love movies" that showed WH at his best. It was fun and made me laugh, but it also made me sad to realize just how boring and rut-bound we got as the years passed.
I fell in love with him because he was fun and spur-of-the-moment; when he got bored and tried to re-create that in his MLC with someone ELSE, I was devastated. I may have "saved him" from his troubled childhood by marrying him, but there's stability and then there's mind-numbing, suffocating boredom. Alas, an all-too-common trap...
Originally Posted By: Piano
We also talked about how I think I got lost somewhat in my marriage and that this crisis is an opportunity to find myself again and be the ME I am meant to be. And he said I might even find myself wanting to thank WH for this opportunity. I said bloody unlikely!! Not at that stage yet!
He's right.
I know it's hard to believe NOW, but once you set aside the pain and anguish you feel and re-discover YOURSELF, the exciting, dynamic girl you were before your WH entered your life, two things will happen:
1. You'll reconnect with all those hopes and dreams you had for yourself once upon a time. What did you want to be when you grew up? What was your home going to be like? Your lifestyle? Were you going to travel? Write a book? Be famous? Teach English as a second language? What? Think back and reintroduce yourself to YOU AT YOUR BEST AND MOST CONFIDENT.
2. By distancing and making him AN OPTION, YOU become the better option. So he feels smothered and trapped by marriage and parenthood? No problem! Act like you're going to take it away and possibly give it to someone else by regaining your confidence, reinventing your image, and moving forward without him. Throw down a gauntlet. Few men can resist the challenge.
I've read this advice dozens of times since my saga began, but I wasn't ready to do it until he forced the issue by moving to the basement. The disconnect from him - while hard at first - has allowed me recast him as an extra in my life, not the leading man.
He LOVED it at first - staying out 'til all hours, neglecting the kids, never calling or texting his whereabouts - and I didn't say a word. Not one. But now that he's got that out of his system (it took 6-7 weeks) he's wondering if I even CARE about him anymore. I'm not disagreeable, I don't hold him accountable for anything. It's like I've turned into a pleasant neighbor, smiling and waving at him over the fence every now and again. You know what? Let him wonder! It's nice to be back in control again.
Let YOUR guy wonder too. As poster Sugar and Spice says, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." It's GREAT advice. Wished I'd heard it sooner.
We also talked about how I think I got lost somewhat in my marriage and that this crisis is an opportunity to find myself again and be the ME I am meant to be. And he said I might even find myself wanting to thank WH for this opportunity. I said bloody unlikely!! Not at that stage yet!
This is where I want to get to...I don't think I would EVER thank stbxh though! Even if I remarry! I never want him to think "see? This was all for the best! everyone gets their happy ending! It wasn't so bad that I did this to her and S!" He needs to think "I am so stupid and so sad to have lost newmama. I feel horrible for doing this to her and my son. How could they ever forgive me? I will never treat anyone this horrible again. I was very selfish and will regret my actions for the rest of my life."
Well Piano, I am glad that you are feeling good as of late! How is your sleep?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
This is where I want to get to...I don't think I would EVER thank stbxh though! Even if I remarry! I never want him to think "see? This was all for the best! everyone gets their happy ending! It wasn't so bad that I did this to her and S!" He needs to think "I am so stupid and so sad to have lost newmama. I feel horrible for doing this to her and my son. How could they ever forgive me? I will never treat anyone this horrible again. I was very selfish and will regret my actions for the rest of my life."
Thank him for breaking your heart and destroying your family? NEVER!
Thank him for making you dig deep and rediscover the incredible woman you are? YES.
It's easy to lose yourself in coupledom and put your life on hold for someone else. There was a time when I didn't think I could breathe without him. Now I know I can do just about ANYTHING without him - just like I did before we met.
I got too comfortable, too settled. Lazy.
Now I'm focused on the future and living the potential I'd almost forgotten I have.
Will he regret losing me should he snap and run? HELL yes! I've even got the speech ready.
THAT'S what you want, newmama. To transform yourself into the woman you were meant to be, to impact the lives you were meant to touch. That he won't be a part of it is HIS OWN DAMN FAULT! He's got no one to blame but himself.
Now I'm focused on the future and living the potential I'd almost forgotten I have.
Will he regret losing me should he snap and run? HELL yes! I've even got the speech ready.
Wow, you said a mouthful, Seeing Red! Great attitude. It's something I've been struggling with re: WAH -- still have some really miserable moments. But after spending some time in the first few weeks thinking about who I was, I realized I'd been burying a good part of myself ... out of consideration for him, stupidly enough.
I've since gone on a tear with some work I've been wanting to do for a long time. Started a new project I value that -- hopefully -- could one day start earning me some money as well. (Need that desperately as I took a major pay cut in my other job this week and expect I'll no longer be able to afford the house.)
I can't say I'll ever thank H -- no matter what happens -- for lighting this new fire under me. It's still painful as hell to think about, and I find myself regularly hoping somehow that this is all just a bad dream. But I also feel strong (sometimes, anyway) and really inspired to pursue some long-deferred projects of my own. Not sure where I'll be in a few months or next year, but I do feel good about what I'm doing for myself.
I remember the first few weeks after the bomb, when I went into whoa-is-me-mode and started thinking back over the years.
I put him through grad school. We put off having kids for 11 years. He worked long hours. I was home with the kids. We rarely saw each other. But we had a goal. And we almost made it.
Then, TWO MONTHS before I send my LAST child off to full day kindergarten and was ramping up my part time biz to full time status - I discovered the affair.
I felt like after 22 years of climbing a long, tall mountain, we FINALLY reached the summit...and he shoved me off in favor of a younger model. It didn't sit well.
These days, I'm ready to shove back with a few surprises of my own. Like I said, if he walks, he'll be kicking himself for a VERY long time. (Key evil laugh) Mwah-ha-ha!
Lesson, courtesy of my crusty old grandmother (may she RIP): NEVER put yourself into a situation you can't get out of.
It's been a tough lesson, but she was right. I got lazy and painted myself into a corner. It won't happen again...
The Cainer horoscopes are amazing...thanks for the recommendation, Red!
Is this Jonathan Cainer? I'm not one for horoscopes and things like that..but guess what, I read them religiously!
Yes, it is - Cainer.com.
I read horoscopes occasionally but decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to see how this relationship drama might play out, so I after getting some recommendations and looking at Cainer's dailies for a few days, I bought a 3 month extended view.
I'm not gonna live or die by the info, but it's been very accurate in most areas and most importantly, POSITIVE. Nice to hear that I'm gonna make the sale and get the guy - even if it turns out to be a crock of [censor].
Lesson, courtesy of my crusty old grandmother (may she RIP): NEVER put yourself into a situation you can't get out of.
SUPER DUPER WISE...and this was weighing HEAVILY on my mind when I decided to stay home for a year during our "reconciliation" efforts (I had to choose by March 1 and at the time, we were not steadily improving...because he was still in contact with OW!). I thought "what if we don't work things out and I am stuck alone raising the baby for a whole year? Noooo.....that won't happen......"
But now, our Hs have to be thinking of this in regard to D. Maybe in all of our cases, they stall in this decision because they don't want to be put in a situation they can't get out of. And that is something that makes me shake my head about stbxh...he is moving in with OW for a YEAR when he has admitted he has uncertainty about divorcing me! Where is his out? And what about Piano's H! Moving to the other side of the world to be with OW when his family with Piano has just started? And he has no job? No real plan? Where is his out?
Oh and when you described "climbing to the summit" and then discovering the A...very good analogy. I bet Piano can relate if the mountain was conceiving a baby...in fact all of us LBSs who were pregnant when our H's walked away!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I put him through grad school. We put off having kids ... We rarely saw each other. But we had a goal. And we almost made it.
It's been a tough lesson, but she was right. I got lazy and painted myself into a corner. It won't happen again...
I thought I wrote this!!! I think I backed down and let his life and goals and school take over OUR dreams... and now he may see me as unmotivated or weak etc. I own two of my own businesses and H loved when I would be productive and busy and on the go...
I regret not making things 50/50 during his schooling... I shouldve! I dont think he sees the sacrifices... instead he sees that he has grown, and i am here???
