Hey, I second Piano! He's not going to change his mind right now. He's letting you know directly. Dim dim dim.
And has my WH ever said "not right now"? No. But I haven't asked, and I wonder now if he might say that. Might be able to let ya know after this weekend!
According to some research on the internet, in the state I live in, if I dont sign and send back the letter of acceptance of service with the D papers, the state can proceed without me. So for all I know, I could be divorced before I have my H's baby.
Would be my luck.
mentioned this to H and he said they told him if i dont sign within 90 days, it works differently and takes up to two years. He was a little put off and said its not possible... i said then stop them! and he laughed... jokingly and said if i stop them will you stop talkibg about it!
If he loves spending time with you, why don't you stop spending time with him and see what happens?
Um, he might start missing you...
I try. Honestly! more so because i would never ask him to do anything with me or hang out with me... out of fear he'd day no. I dont initiate any calls or texts. And then he calls and texts me. And with so much to do to get ready for the baby, and he is willing to help with every thing and i thinkn he should!
So we had a few not so nice days. I havent been feeling well, and I pressed a few buttons. today was nice. H laughed when he saw my belly! Amazing how he is so darn excited about the baby!
Today, I stayed home from work to get things done around the house, and pretty much because I have so much pressure and few contractions! H said he was coming over to install new closet in the baby's room. He did all the hard work, I watched and supervised We talked and had nice conversations... he mentioned us a few times, mostly baby. No arguments, all positive! At one point I was so tired and exhausted i went to my room to lay down. Boy a power nap can really help! H came in to see if I was ok. Then tapped on the door and stuck his head in to say it was done! The Jerk did a great job!
We cleaned up together and at one point found him laying on the bed with the dog... Huh? Guess he is just comfy here...
Still so much to do! said he'd be back to help out!
i said I have to get my bag ready and he said he has had his ready... overnight clothes, and the video camera is charged and ready to roll!
Overall good day. happy things are getting done for the baby! tonight I started washing a few hand me downs for when the baby is born! Furniture gets delivered this week and i can put all his tiny clothes and belongings away! My house looks like a baby store thre up all over it!
[quote=Piano It's called stalling for time and not rocking the boat you while you are still pregnant.
I feel a lot of hope for your sitch BD, but think you best prepare yourself for the worst. My WH got rather more possessive about the child - and cared a lot less about me - post birth. i.e. once the baby is out, it's a whole new ballgame.
Sorry to sound so dark, BD. Just been there... [/quote]
Piano, no apologies... i am preparing myself for this. Every day! I am well aware that my sicth could be this way permanently.
I have no doubts he will be there for the baby and cares for him and wants to be an involved dad... doesnt mean he wants to be a H to me.
Your WH is letting you know that all your words are just rolling off him. In one ear and out the other!, as they say.
I agree!
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Avoid words (although occassional 'truth darts' might be useful) and make him FEEL what it's going to be like as a divorced dad.
And my suggestion quick smart would be to let him know (on email so you control yourself, and a very short email at that) that you won't be needing him to stay with you post the birth at your house.
How do I push him away from becoming a father and the birth experience? If I do things out of spite or to teach him a lesson, than I feel like I am doing no better in dictating his life like he did mine when he left.
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And what are you going to do if he picks up and leaves 2 or 4 weeks into it?? Like NM's husband? You'll be devastated all over again.
this i agree and know... We actually talked about maybe not having him stay every night... or alternating with my family... I dont want to get used to him being here... I really think H will have a harder time staying away from his son.
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I don't think your H is going to come back because you let him stay with you. He will come back - IF he comes back - when he realises what he is about to miss out on.
i do agree and think him staying wont make him change his mind. In all of this i do no want the baby to be a reason for him to want to come back. I know to some it sounds wrong. but i need him to want back for me, and only me. the family part is a bonus. truth is again, i want him to bond with son and have the new baby experience. And because i need the help!
it would be nice for him to see what 'our family' could look like... but i dont think its enough to change his mind.
Its really hard for me, because i am basing a lot of actions on MLC WAS and how creating a safe environment, a happy welcoming home, will help they see what they are missing and will ease them into coming back home. Honestly, that is not my main drive.
My main drive (an I am about to get corny, so dont gag) but everything i do is out of Love. Not love for him, but for the baby and myself. i went through the anger, and I am going to DB util he comes home and so phase... didnt work for me. Not for my sitch anyway. When i read a lot on the MLC threads on here, i noticed changes. now maybe they are not changes to make H want to come home and reconcile, but they are enough changes, where I know S will come into a happy environment.
Right now (and i tell myself every time i start thinking too much) my only focus is to build a happy and healthy environment where the baby will be loved.
MIL was so sweet and said she is planning to take vacation days and will stay here if when I need her! My mom of course would put me and the baby in her pocket and take care of us! and I have fabulous sisters... I have had so many people offer... lol. hope they stick to it!
gotta go pack my bags! you never know... the girls in my family all deliver early, no water breakage, and go rather quickly... would be nice for me right?!
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. DONT EVER STOP SUGGESTING AND BEING HONEST! I APPRECIATE YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM MORE THAN YOU'LL KNOW!
I think your H will come back when he sees he can't have his baby and his best friend BD as often as a husband gets to. He also needs to feel romantically toward you again, so I bet a few months of minimal contact and then seeing you back to your old body and energy level...no MOM jeans! And try your best to stay in touch with the outside world (you know after the first month) and show you are MORE than a mom...you are still BD but now that you are a mom (which will melt his heart) you are BD PLUS!
This is hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and I will never know "what if" I stuck to the parenting plan of 2-3 days per week, 2-3 hours at a time.
Just sayin.' And easier said than done!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Just to clarify some facts in my sitch- the only reason stbxh stayed with me after the birth was because of pre-arranged paternity leave. It was not for our relationship and I never was led to believe he was leaving OW. He only admitted to considering reconciliation.
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In all of this i do no want the baby to be a reason for him to want to come back. I know to some it sounds wrong. but i need him to want back for me, and only me. the family part is a bonus. truth is again, i want him to bond with son and have the new baby experience. And because i need the help!
But here's the thing- other marriage counselors out there say this- if the initial motivation to come back is FOR the baby, then at least he is coming back! And then the 2 of you reconnect and the initial reason was just a jumping board so to speak. But guilt tripping him and using the baby is not a good idea! He will resent you for it (IMO). Not that you would do that!
And about letting him be the father-- well remember, BD, that he wants to be a "part time" dad. I really wish I had put this into perspective for my stbxh. Part time dads get to be with their child, well, part time! Hey, it is what he wants! SOunds harsh, but it will help set your son up for your son's reality as well, you know?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think your H will come back when he sees he can't have his baby and his best friend BD as often as a husband gets to. He also needs to feel romantically toward you again, so I bet a few months of minimal contact and then seeing you back to your old body and energy level...no MOM jeans! And try your best to stay in touch with the outside world (you know after the first month) and show you are MORE than a mom...you are still BD but now that you are a mom (which will melt his heart) you are BD PLUS!
Hindsight is 20/20 and I will never know "what if" I stuck to the parenting plan of 2-3 days per week, 2-3 hours at a time.
Just sayin.' And easier said than done!
Very very true...
i do think he will get a glimpse of what life is like not having us as his family. dont get me wrong. its not like he is moving in. he is living in his parents home which is 2 minutes from our house, and i imagine he will be bouncing back and forth. Do you suggest I come up with a parenting plan rather than let him decide whats best. i know he still has clinical until mid july, and will still be studying for boards (says he may push them back depending when baby comes).
I do try to show him my independence, which i know he loves. when he hears i've been out or hanging out with friends or GAL, he questions things, i keep him hanging on. I try anyways.
I also think H is capable of saying hey, i can handle this part time father thing and be okay with it...
