I have a book I'd like to recommend. It's helped me tremendously and I'm so glad I've read it - several times! My first husband cheated on me and I applied the principles of it. I could have had him back but decided I did not want to reconcile after his affair. It's called Love Must Be Tough (Help for families in crisis) by James Dobson. It addresses infidelity like I've never seen! I have applied what I've learned there with good success. My only issue is that I wish it had more specifics on what to do/not do. That's where DB is a little better in discussing GAL and 180s...but the Dobson book is harder on affairs!
Thanks Sunny... You have no idea how many people on this forum tried MWD approaches for an affair only to watch their spouse get more addicted by the day while they got more depressed and alone.. its sad.
I am hoping Melody does NOT become one of those casualties...
That's the biggest reason I am trying to really figure out if my H is having an affair, whether EA or PA - because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dealing with infidelity is different than dealing with someone who is going through MLC or something else! I've been there - and have been successful in dealing with infidelity: PA in my first marriage and EA early in my current marriage... Dobson's book is a MUST HAVE in fact, for anyone wanting to know about the psychology of relationships.
Thanks, everyone. I'm not going home today. I'm going to take time and process all of your thoughts and I'm going to try and talk to a lawyer today to see what I can legally do in terms of keeping my daughter with me.
1. Not to expose at his work or I risk my long term financial stability - he said if I end up in D, I don't want an xH who can't pay child support.
2. That I am able to keep my daughter with me - I just need to offer him access in some fair way.
3. He advised that I shouldn't file anything unless I really want D.
I texted my H about us not coming - he was not happy. Sent me the following text: "Are u still working under the assumption that we are going to be back together at some point?"
Wasn't sure what to make of that so I sent back (an hour later) : "A lot to consider - if u have anything to say to me you can email me. I'm not ready to come home. It's fun here and not hurtful. If u want to see daughter we can arrange - u can fly up or I'll meet u halfway".
Nothing since . . . it's got to be a bad day for him, but such are the consequences of an affair.
Yup... I honstly would not even have replied to that...
Have you ever played poker?
This is the same thing, or teh same as any card game... righ tnow he's addicted so you can't show him your hand.. you can't show him what you're feeling or what your plans are.. you really need to leave him in the dark on where you are at now and where you are going as much as possible...
I don't ordinailly reccomend exposing at HIS workplace, I DO reccomend it at OW's workplace if there is one...
Mel, my default accountability setup is 10% WS and 90% OP... your H was vulnerable and OP took advantage, that's how it is in many cases... BUT he needs to be left to WORRY about CONSEQUENCES for a while.. leave him in the dark to SWEAT.. give NOTHING AWAY right now... hold onto everything youhave.. you wil be tempted to drop info in his lap in a rage or whatnot,b ut that will NOT HELP YOU
He hasn't even offered to END the AFFAIR has he? I think you would have mentioend it if he did...
Not a good sign... Hold back... keep him shut out for a while and let him sweat
One other exposure card I hold is the OW's BF. Not even 100% sure they are still dating. I think it was mentioned before that this might push OW and H together, which is why I haven't done it. However, given that OW's BF works with both of them, this might create workplace pressure without alerting head partners. [Yes, I know, OW is completely ridiculous with the other workplace romances]. The other benefit would be that it would be another source of intel if we compared "stories." Can't weigh risks vs. benefits of that one. Wish she was married - that would make exposure easier.
