Been reading "The Divorce Remedy", and am finding it very helpful. But now I'm wondering if I'm doing a good enough job of DBing. It seems that what I'm trying isn't working. Going dark is getting no reaction, it's like H could care less that I'm not contacting him. So I'm wondering if I should break the darkness, I do need to talk to him about the daycare but have been afraid to contact him. How should I do it? E-mail, phone call, text message? And not contacting his family hasn't done a darn thing, so should I give in and call one of them? I gave him the photo book for Father's Day. Not a peep from him about that. I know he wants to have a talk about the relationship, most likely he wants to nail down the details for a divorce. While I'm terrified of how the talk will go should I go ahead and tell him that when he's ready to talk I'm here? Or go with my current mantra of "No news is good news." I think I'm going to write him a letter or something, get out everything that I want to say to him so that if/when he talks to me I'll have it ready, what I want to say to him. Like NewMama did, to just be able to say it so I feel better, so I get it off my chest.
I've been crying and praying a lot. Mostly on my drive to/from work. Just crying out to God asking why, why this is happening. Pleading with God to bring H home, asking Him for strength and patience, for guidance on what to say/do around H. This morning I asked Him to help me to let go. Based on H's current behavior I don't know that my marriage will be saved, but I believe it can be and I strongly feel that it's worth fighting for, so fight I shall. But at the same time I'm terrified H is so deep in the MLC/Affair fog he'll never come out of it. My heart still jumps when my phone beeps for a text or I get an e-mail, hoping that it's from him. It feels like a big piece is missing in my and DS's life, and when H returns that hole will be filled. I'm trying to get better so I can put on a false happy face in front of H. It's so hard to do when I'm in such a deep state of depression.
I still remember that night early last winter. I was praying so hard for H to return and I just felt a calm come over me and felt with certainty that while H and I needed to be on the paths we were for now, when the time was right we would find our way back to each other. And I'm trying so hard to keep that faith, when I try to picture the future H is always there with me. I feel so strongly that this separation is temporary, that soon H will be back with me. Is it just a bad instinct or is God giving me that insight? I don't know.
Right now my brain/feelings are telling me to contact SIL, get some intel on H's mindset at the moment. Then, depending on what she says, send him the letter I've already got partially composed in my head, give him something to think about. But logic is prevailing and I'm not doing either, much as I want to. Again, is it just a bad instinct or is God nudging me to do it, or am I just hoping that it will be the magic cure I need and that's why I want to do it so badly? I wish I knew.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
