Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

My last thread was locked, so here I am with a new one.

Link to the last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1874601

In a nutshell:

• Fall 1998 - H and I met, had an on-again, off-again relationship for the next three years
• 2001 - H said he wanted to make a real go of things with us
• 2003 - H and I got married
• 2004 - DS was born, things were rocky from that point on, some good times and some not so good times
• November 2008 - H moved out, said he wanted a trial separation
• June 2009 - H moved in with OW
• April 2010 - H said he wanted to work things out with me, the he made a mistake leaving.
• April 2010 - a few days before H was set to move in with DS and I OW announced she was pregnant. H decided that he couldn't leave her now that she was pregnant.

OW's bomb sent me spiralling into a really deep depression, one which I am still struggling to climb out from. The entire drama can be read in my previous thread, but those are the "highlights", not that any of the points other than when H was set to return are good ones.

[Mystik]

Copied from my previous thread 6/23/10:

Been almost a month since the last time H e-mailed me at work. He called me while I was heading home today, I answered thinking it was about the daycare but all he wanted was to confirm that he's getting DS tomorrow not today. He called again this evening from his home phone, but I was doing dishes so I ignored it. He called the house phone and my cell phone, I didn't bother to return his call. A short time ago he called my cell phone from his cell phone, I told DS to answer but he didn't, asked me to answer instead. I did, H asked to speak to DS. DS quite loudly proclaimed he didn't want to talk. H said to tell him it was about a missing toy so DS agreed to talk. After he hung up I asked if Daddy found the toy, it has been missing for quite some time. DS said no, but Whore has the same toy and is going to give him hers.

DH sounded very subdued on the phone. Not going to try to mind read but I'm hoping that things aren't going well for him and OW, that's why he was so somber.

[Mystik]

Copied from my previous thread 6/23/10:

Brain dump:

Been reading "The Divorce Remedy", and am finding it very helpful. But now I'm wondering if I'm doing a good enough job of DBing. It seems that what I'm trying isn't working. Going dark is getting no reaction, it's like H could care less that I'm not contacting him. So I'm wondering if I should break the darkness, I do need to talk to him about the daycare but have been afraid to contact him. How should I do it? E-mail, phone call, text message? And not contacting his family hasn't done a darn thing, so should I give in and call one of them? I gave him the photo book for Father's Day. Not a peep from him about that. I know he wants to have a talk about the relationship, most likely he wants to nail down the details for a divorce. While I'm terrified of how the talk will go should I go ahead and tell him that when he's ready to talk I'm here? Or go with my current mantra of "No news is good news." I think I'm going to write him a letter or something, get out everything that I want to say to him so that if/when he talks to me I'll have it ready, what I want to say to him. Like NewMama did, to just be able to say it so I feel better, so I get it off my chest.

I've been crying and praying a lot. Mostly on my drive to/from work. Just crying out to God asking why, why this is happening. Pleading with God to bring H home, asking Him for strength and patience, for guidance on what to say/do around H. This morning I asked Him to help me to let go. Based on H's current behavior I don't know that my marriage will be saved, but I believe it can be and I strongly feel that it's worth fighting for, so fight I shall. But at the same time I'm terrified H is so deep in the MLC/Affair fog he'll never come out of it. My heart still jumps when my phone beeps for a text or I get an e-mail, hoping that it's from him. It feels like a big piece is missing in my and DS's life, and when H returns that hole will be filled. I'm trying to get better so I can put on a false happy face in front of H. It's so hard to do when I'm in such a deep state of depression.

I still remember that night early last winter. I was praying so hard for H to return and I just felt a calm come over me and felt with certainty that while H and I needed to be on the paths we were for now, when the time was right we would find our way back to each other. And I'm trying so hard to keep that faith, when I try to picture the future H is always there with me. I feel so strongly that this separation is temporary, that soon H will be back with me. Is it just a bad instinct or is God giving me that insight? I don't know.

Right now my brain/feelings are telling me to contact SIL, get some intel on H's mindset at the moment. Then, depending on what she says, send him the letter I've already got partially composed in my head, give him something to think about. But logic is prevailing and I'm not doing either, much as I want to. Again, is it just a bad instinct or is God nudging me to do it, or am I just hoping that it will be the magic cure I need and that's why I want to do it so badly? I wish I knew.

[Mystik]

Talked to H on the way home about daycare. He initially called to confirm that I did not get DS from daycare today because it's H's day, which he confirmed yesterday. He then asked about daycare for next week and I told him that DS is going to the cheaper place. He was furious about the change in where DS will be going, said that he's been going crazy trying to get the money to the original facility by the due dates he was given, I didn't say much other than I told him I had sent that letter requesting permission to withdraw DS. H said he knew that but didn't hear anything else so he didn't think it went anywhere. He asked what his tab with me was and I told him, he was stunned it got so high. I offered to send him tomorrow what the breakdown was and he said to please do. I also suggested he call the facility and see about getting his money refunded, he said he would do that and then be able to pay me.

A short time after we ended the call he texted asking me why I hadn't told him about the change in daycare sooner. I replied that I just got the letter on Saturday, it said they sent him one and he's been standoffish lately so I assumed he would read the letter. An hour later he texted back that was funny because he thought the same about me.

So now, HELP! I feel like this is H trying to reach out to me, and it's my opportunity to try and improve our communications, to start and break down the giant wall between us but I don't know the best way to respond. Anyone with experience have any suggestions?

[South Paw]

"I've been crying and praying a lot. Mostly on my drive to/from work."

I do the same thing. Don't stop. I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling. Hang in there. I haven't read all of your situation, have you tried going completly dark on him? It sounds like you're persuing him with letters and stuff.

[Mystik]

SouthPaw, I have been as dark as one can be when a child is shared between us. I actually think I went too dark and now am not sure how to proceed. H said he thinks that I've been stand-offish lately. Oops, that was certainly not my goal.

I'm not actively pursuing him, just considering writing him a letter with how I feel and not sending it right away. I would only send it if he initiates an R talk and it is all about a divorce. Then I would want to at least have my say so then I would send him the letter.

[CityGirl]

Why do you feel your H is trying to reach out to you? IMO this is nothing more than blame shifting. When your H lives with his pregnant mistress he doesn't get more than child related talk. I am not sure why you told him he was being standoffish. What did you hope to accomplish by telling him that?

IMO he knows you feel that way now so it was very easy to turn it around on you. It is his way of trying to bring the dynamic back to where HE is comfortable and he is comfortable when you don't change.

I would mail him the totals of what he owes, let him know he has to pay it by a certain date and ask him what his solutions are for future letters that will be sent to BOTH of you regarding son.

And if your H calls and is "furious" simply tell him you understand he is upset but you choose not to converse with him unless he is calm.

Boundaries.

[Mystik]

He wanted to know why I didn't tell him about the change in daycare. I wanted to get it across to him that he hasn't been approachable, that's why I told him he was stand-offish. But looking back at how I've been during exchanges, I can see how he would feel that I was the one stand-offish so he backed off, if that makes sense.

H never reads his mail, I should have made the effort to tell him about the daycare, I mentioned it in my brain dump post actually. But because he's been so dark on me I didn't want to be the one to break the silence. And I don't think he was furious at me, he was just frustrated in general about the whole daycare mess.

Urgh, this is all so complicated and confusing. I'm afraid if I reply, that will be wrong. But at the same time I'm more afraid that if I ignore him, I blow the chance to improve our situation. As it is we don't even talk about DS right now other than to confirm who picks him up which day. No talk about his schooling, no talk about his summer activities. Nothing.

[Vulcanized]

He wanted to know why I didn't tell him about the change in daycare. I wanted to get it across to him that he hasn't been approachable, that's why I told him he was stand-offish. But looking back at how I've been during exchanges, I can see how he would feel that I was the one stand-offish so he backed off, if that makes sense.

You didn't tell H b/c you have primary custody. You don't need H's permission. He's trying to turn it around on you. If H is not approachable, especially w/no emergency sitches, than do not approach.

H never reads his mail, I should have made the effort to tell him about the daycare, I mentioned it in my brain dump post actually. But because he's been so dark on me I didn't want to be the one to break the silence. And I don't think he was furious at me, he was just frustrated in general about the whole daycare mess.

Tough $hit, H doesn't read his mail. How is that your responsibility? H is a grown man. Again, t.s. You are frustrated about H, OW & OW's pg, but H has made that your problem, correct?

Urgh, this is all so complicated and confusing. I'm afraid if I reply, that will be wrong. But at the same time I'm more afraid that if I ignore him, I blow the chance to improve our situation. As it is we don't even talk about DS right now other than to confirm who picks him up which day. No talk about his schooling, no talk about his summer activities. Nothing.

Talking to H doesn't seem to be doing you much good at this point. H is not making any effort to speak to you. Take his lead and DO THE SAME.

If nothing else, ignoring H other than emergencies may help you to detach more. IMHO, you really need to detach much more.

(((Mystik)))

[CityGirl]

You really do need to work on detaching. It is not your problem if your H chooses not to read his mail. It is not YOUR fault he chooses not to read his mail. He had the information he simply chose not to read it. It is not up to you to tell him.

IMO the two of you need to sit down and have a talk about your son's schooling and summer activities in addition to the money he owes you. I would simply tell him: H, I feel it is important we have a discussion about son's upcoming summer activities, schooling and finances related to son. I am available <insert a few days here> and ask him what works for him.

DO NOT HAVE ANY R talks during this meeting. I know this is hurtful but if you don't start establishing something now as far as your son is concerned it will only get harder. As the pregnancy progresses more and more expenses will come up and time will be limited. Set your precedents now. You should not have in incur continued financial hardship because your H's mistress is pregnant.