Completely Blindsided

[fullmoon]

Wow that's fast. She's replied to you already?

I know you're trying already but remember to focus on yourself not her... no one knows what she's thinking, still being confused she might even not know herself!
You can't go on feeling stressed like this for too long, it'll literally make you unwell. Remember the most important is your emotional well being and you are the only person who can take care of that!

I realised that the reason I've been so down is that I tend to think of the good times and the memories make me think H is someone who's almost perfect... which he's not.
Also the fact that I was denied what I wanted (to work on M) played havoc with my emotions... I guess when you're told you can't have something you badly want, it's a roller coaster ride.

I'm not saying not to think of the good times, but until time heals your mind a bit more it might be better to try putting it aside altogether?
I've stopped looking at other threads, I want a 'holiday' from it all and it's a bit depressing to read others struggling as well. (I've got email alert on yours)

[blind]

It was pretty fast... and part of me thinks that if she was doing something with someone she wouldn't have replied so quick - would have felt more guilty than anything else. I dunno.

I am trying to focus on me... it's weird, but it feels like there's only so much of me to focus on, and then I get sucked back into thinking about her. She's online right now, idle on Gchat, but I'm not approaching her. My mind is still swirling too much from that last email, and the rule is to leave it a few days before any reply.

And yeah, too much stress is going to make me ill. HAS made me ill. I need to find ways to de-stress, but I'm not sure what my options are. Again, been trying to do so much focused on me that I can't seem to think of new things to try.... I realise that doesn't make my sense to read it... clearly the mind isn't firing on all cylinders this morning.

Re: your spouse not being perfect - that's something I'm just coming to terms with. It's not that I think she's perfect, but I've not been thinking ill of her either. The fact is, as much as my flaws may have been niggling at her over a prolonged period of time, her flaw is a damn big one, and it's hurting me a lot, now. I can work on my flaws, and have been, and they're coming along quite nicely tbh... but she is still running from hers.

It's not just wanting what you can't have, but wanting what you can't have but ALREADY had, meaning you know it's possible to have it.. that's what screws with your head so much.

I'm not fixating on the good times at the moment, which is a good thing... I was a little while ago, now I'm just sitting back and hurting, but not scraping new wounds... I think.

Thanks for following though Moon, it means a lot to have regular replies. I really appreciate it. I still read other threads, but have trouble associating. For one thing, as soon as children are involved I know the situation is going to be very different from ours. And when someone is in the same country/city/house, there are more active steps they can take, so again, vastly different.

In a lot of ways it sucks that a site like this even exists, that there are enough people in pain to warrant it. At least I've not seen any of your internet crazies coming around to flame/upset people, which is a big plus. Maybe there is some taboo on the internet? Nice that people still respect some things. That actually makes me happy.

Right, showered, dressed, ready for another day of work/dance/drinks with mates. Gotta keep on GALing.

[fullmoon]

I need to find ways to de-stress, but I'm not sure what my options are. Again, been trying to do so much focused on me that I can't seem to think of new things to try....

I think it's time to GAL your mind, not just physically.
Is there something you always wanted to do but thought was too big to achieve? How about starting on that and imagining yourself being there? Have some images in your mind that makes you feel good, w/out your W.
It's a test in a way to see how you can learn to turn your mind to negative>positive... I used to think when I'm full of emotions I need some de-stresser like playing sports, but I'm finding that by switching your mind to something else you actually start to forget about it.
"Act as if" I guess.

I know what you mean when you say it feels bad to let go. But worrying and assuming about everything won't help you either, if anything it'll bring you down.
Focus on only the facts you know... S replies positively when you send positive. Anything else is assuming.

Re: other threads
I used to think 'wish we had kids/ house together' then we have to keep in touch... but now I'm realising that this is not a healthy way of thinking.
It would've been so much more complicating... and so much more painful. Tend to disregard the positives of the situation.
Being far means it's easier to GAL as well, especially that you're in a new location.

Time to change the gear to positives in your mind B! Come on when you look at your whole life it's not that bad... pretty good actually isn't it? Focus on what you're grateful for!
Don't let the stitch fool you into thinking it's loads of mess. Getting unwell bc of it is just not worth it, you deserve better than that... from yourself.

[blind]

Yeah, GALing the mind is a much harder prospect than the body. I can get into a dance class and either focus on intently on the steps, of overtly on channeling the emotion into the movements. I'm home now and I'm absolutely exhausted... physically.

Mentally, wow, that's a tough one.

There are a few things I have in mind that are big that I have my sights on, I just need to break them down into achievable chunks... which I'm working at. I do a lot of daydreaming, but I'm finding it hard not to run out of steam atm.

I need to stop assuming things, it's going to be the death of me. The problem is, she mentioned she went down the coast... do I ask how it was? Say "that's nice"? ignore it completely? Hargh. I hear her name mentioned and I come crashing to the ground. It's pathetic really.

You're right though - fact, she's replied quickly and positively. She was online today. Not much else can be taken as fact. I don't want to reply too soon, but at the same time, I hate logging in and seeing her email at the top of my inbox. That sucks.

In a lot of ways, being over here does make things easier... everything except the chance of getting back together. Plus there is still the house to deal with.

It is time to change gear. It is time to get my positive mindset working into overdrive....just need to get the energy to do that. Maybe tomorrow hey?

Tonight I think I just need to sleep.

[Piano]

Hi Blind,
I'm on Australian time too. Sorry you are here & sending you positive vibes so you can wake up feeling slightly more awesome tomorrow! Will go back and read your story now. I see from you first page we both had an international move in swing when an A occured...holy cow...
((hugs))

[Piano]

Ok, just read your thread from start to finish.

You are getting some wonderful advice from Fullmoon, and TimeHeals and some early posts from Sandi2. You probably don't see it, becuase I know on the inside it's killing you, but after those initial 'needy' backslides, you learnt very quickly how to act "as if" with your WAW. I'm 3 or 4 months ahead of you (in terms of Bomb/commencement of DBing), and yet am just as many months behind you on implementing the techniques that the vets say Work!

Oh, and sorry my first post to you overemphasised a possible OM. It doesn't sound like there is one here, although she's clearly acting 'single' right now.

You are doing a good job of occupying your time and setting yourself new challanges and goals. Especially since you just landed and haven't been in your town for some years. Keep GALing, but just be careful not to exhaust yourself! Your life sounds hectic.

I was a dancer (not professional) and am always doing some class or another too. (Well, I was until I got pregnant). It's a great way to focus the mind & get all those positive endorphins!

My WH also dropped the bomb on me when I came back here to set things up for us & is currently making moves to head back o/seas to be with OW. Unfortunately we have a newborn baby thrown into the mix, but nontheless, we feel the same pain & of course share the tyranny of distance issues. I also feel like half of my life has been cut off - many best friends and half my family are now 17,000 kms away from me. This was a big part of my initial distress. The whole 'dropped on the other side of the planet' thing.

I'm also back at my parents as I can't afford the mortgage on our apartment here right now & so they can help me with the baby. And I'm 35 ! Yeah,dead sexy! (And try GALing with a newborn.)

You said in one of your posts that you would not be in your city for longer than 6 months. Care to elaborate?

Also, I see your W is 25. This is pretty young. Maybe she's living the "teenage years" she never had or something? Did she go from living with her parents to living with you? I ask you this because a friend of mine flipped out at about the same age, moved out of her flat where she lived with her long-term partner because she needed to "prove" to herself that she could live by herself and "do it alone". Her boyfriend gave her this freedom (he was damned stressed and thought he was losing her at the time, mind), and a year later she came back. A few years down the track, they are married and she's about to have a baby...

Could be off track with that.. just thoughts!

[blind]

Hey Piano, thanks for joining in

I can see that you're a few months ahead of me, even just by the number of posts! I feel bad about complaining after reading your sitch, someone walking out when their partner is pregnant is just something I can barely fathom.

I can definitely see the value in the early posts of advice I was given. I was clouded a lot by everything else that was going on, but over the time they've sunk in and now I think (THINK) I understand them.

Yeah, my W is living up the single life... I don't know if there is an OM or not. There was an A, but anything beyond that is just me speculating/driving myself insane.

I am starting to get a bit worried about getting exhausted. I've had to pull back on the push ups a bit because the dancing has been wearing me out. No matter how much time I'm spending in bed I'm waking up tired, though that may be due to other things. These next few days alone I've got - A driving lesson (very few left before license!) and possible Salsa class tonight, dinner with a friend tomorrow who is a pro photographer and will be taking some headshots (going to give the acting thing a try), watching a dance comp on sat and going along to buy new dance shoes, meeting up with a dear old friend Sun morning, and then back into the swing of the normal week again.

There's a lot going on, but I hate it when it gets quiet.

What kind of dancing were you doing?

I really do feel the whole "dropped on the otherside of the world" thing, even though I'm back in my home town. I was never a fan of the place, and spent a lot of my teenage years getting things together so I could leave.

I don't know if I'll be able to afford a mortgage... or even rent on a place that isn't a hovel for that matter... but I can't stay here. I'm working a 6 month contract at my current job, at the end of which I'll be moving up to Sydney. The plan was always for us to live in Sydney, so I've told her that I'm going, with or without her.

GALing with a newborn must be... wow, just a whole new set of complications. And *I* complain about being exhausted! You must be tired all the time, and preoccupied! What are you doing to get out and about? Are your parents able to help at all?

Yeah, my W is fairly young.. I met her while she was backpacking alone over here, which was a big "I'm independent" thing. She lived on her own for a short while before moving in to mine... so it's possibly a bit of a "doing it alone" thing... but that's not something she's mentioned. Though as has been said, you can't believe half of what a WAS says, so there could be more to it than she's let on. A big problem, aside from the distance and the now set expectations of family and friends, is that she thinks that she has hurt me too much for me to ever forgive her... I think anyway. So even if she does waver, she won't think that she deserves me.

Possibly. I'm speculating again.

I guess what it comes down to is that I need to not get deluded with hope. I need to act as if she's not coming back and get on with my life.

Maybe I'll do a post tonight and list some of these goals I'm working towards.

(Thanks again for the input Piano!)

[fullmoon]

Wow Piano, you've been through so much... hugs to you ((()))
And congratulations on your new baby!

One thing that jumped at me... when you say H helping you with citizenship, do you mean AUS citizenship?
What's your current status... do you have a PR visa?

{sorry for hijacking your thread B}

[blind]

Hey, no worries hijacking Moon

It's just nice to know there are more people here over this side of the world!

[fullmoon]

Been thinking what would I feel if I'm the WAW without affairs.
And this DB rules makes a lot of sense...

If the positive communication is kept and becomes more frequent, it might solve the issue of your W feeling guilty to try again... she might feel too tempted to ask u about R.

ok ok no assuming hehe...