embracing change

[alice444]

Hello thread...I missed you. So friends, it has been a very busy week with many hours put in working in the field. Sometimes fun, sometimes wet and boring. But nice to be earning money.

Missed your updates, but this is good news!

Smart Sister's marriage issues continue to be a trigger for me. It's kind of horrifying. I hope they work it out. I got to talk to BIL's best friend about it so I hope that opens the door to them having a marriage conversation that isn't totally superficial at some point.

I'm so sorry this is happening at the same time. You don't need more stress!

I'm super aware of my insecurities in almost every area of my life lately. I am realizing what a huge, annoying liability is it to not be able to tackle life with confidence. Trying to understand what being confident AND authentic would look like for me.

Appearance is a big preoccupation lately too. After years of being a touch overweight and frankly often frumpy, I'm slimmer and putting more effort into looking good. What I'm finding, though, is that it becomes a "thing"...and I'm not sure if I like it. It's not like I am dressing inappropriately or anything, but it's weird to deal with frequent comments about my appearance, and even changes in how people who I've known for years interact with me.

I can see how that would be weird and unsettling. If people are acting differently around me b/c my appearance has changed that would make me feel odd... I think you're just noticing so much more and are so more aware of yourself, which probably contributes to the feeling. And the feeling your insecurities- you're on your way to knocking them down since you've started becoming aware of them. It may not feel like much, but you can't do anything about them til you see and feel them (which must be uncomfortable).

A married exlover from 20 years ago (who I've barely seen since then) recently sent me this message:

<<I've been meaning to thank you for coming out to hear my guitar concerto. It was really great to see you. I was going to write to you the very next day, but I would have gushed too much about how good you looked (and smelled, by the way: great perfume!). I'm glad to have had a chance to reconnect, however brief. Suddenly it felt like very little time had passed, though it is half a lifetime. It would be nice to sit down over a meal some day and just yak about life. There was that [jazz club] offer that I must honour! Take care.>>

Wow, I'm not sure what to make of that. It's a little weird that he'd even comment on your perfume! But then again, your appearance probably isn't just different because of makeup, hair or clothes, but he and others are probably also seeing how your new awareness and steps towards the new, confident you are showing through. Again, it may not feel like you feel all that confident, but that stuff you've started working on is seen by others sooner and more easily than by ourselves, and it's attractive (not just in a sexual sense but in a "hey, that's a person I'd like to get to know" sense) and makes you look attractive and be noticed.

Sigh. In some ways it feels simpler to hide under the cloak of middle-aged mommy invisibility. OTOH, even though I'm average looking, the "old me" used to like to express myself in how I look...and I find that that is still part of me.

Heh. I remember finding myself stunned when after I was married (and prominently displayed my rings) that men would still look at me sometimes- blatently. I was like "I thought I didn't have to deal with that or worry about it anymore". In so many ways, it's safe for us to be in a L/T R - it doesn't matter if we go an extra day without shaving our legs, etc- we know they either don't care or still find us attractive (hopefully). I am dreading having to go back into the "showcasing" mode of the dating world someday. I thought I was done with that for the rest of my life - and it was so nice to have found someone who thought I was beautiful no matter what I looked like.

Confused about men too. I am still very attracted to H even though I continue to have no hope about our M. I'm finding myself wanting to have flirtation in my life...yet I'm hating the idea of dating or being involved with any kind of courtship rituals .

I think you can flirt without having to date. there's a continuum and at one end is just smiling and maybe taking an extra look at someone, or chatting with someone who's cute with no agenda or implications. I think that kind of thing is fun for most of us. When it gets beyond that, I'm with ya, no desire to do that other stuff whatsoever!

Tomorrow will be interesting. Planning to spend the day with children and MIL and FIL. I want to walk a line of being authentic with them, but not too transparent/vulnerable. I feel bad for them because I know how helpless they probably feel watching this happen to our family.

Right now I feel totally unable to take in any information about H being in a R. I haven't looked at his FB in ages and I studiously avoid gathering any intel.

Wow. I can't remember what your R with them is like, but good luck. My MIL was very very weird and avoidant to me the last time she visited. And I'm thinking: *I* didn't do anything! And you have a very strong will in you to not focus on H's R. I don't know if I could do it, but I know what you're doing is better for you.

I'm starting to have disappointment in myself that I have tolerated being married to someone who doesn't love, respect or even like me for so long. Yes it was tough with the kids being involved...but I wonder if a greater commitment to my own wellbeing might have pushed me to take action at a point when it might have made a difference in my M...or at least I could have shown some commitment to MYSELF when H's commitment to me was waning.

I struggle with the "maybe if I'd made changes sooner" dangerous thought, and "why have I put up with some things" too. I think that we'll never know and it's likely it wouldn't have made much of a difference if we'd changed b/c we're only in control of half of the R. You are now showing that commitment to yourself- and better late than never. For instance, your kids are still young enough to remember only the "new" you, and you will be making a great model for them.

I'll be honest. It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point. I'm so grateful for this forum though...and I think about you folks even when I am not posting.

Yep, I agree. To some people (and maybe they think this of me, too I just feel like shaking sometimes and saying "you could do better! and you deserve better!! Why are you wasting time on this person??" But it's so easy for me to judge from the outside. I'm sure there are plenty of people who wonder why I'm still trying- but they don't know my R from the inside, etc. And I know you didn't say that presuming you know better than they do, but it is frustrating. There are so many good, loving people around here that deserve more.

[Babydoll]

Hi FM, just catching up on your thread... stay strong!

It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point. I'm so grateful for this forum though...and I think about you folks even when I am not posting.

I think DBing is not just to repair our M but also to make us strong and confident and prepared to go down whichever road our lives leave us to walk down. So you are doing a great job DBing... It is giving you the stregnth to know what you want and dont want from your M. And giving you the courage to be a great mom to your kids during a crappy time! be proud of yourself... DBing is not about our WAS, but about us LBS and how we move forward in our lives...

Wishing you continued stregnth!

BD

[newmama]

Flowmom, I am hoping that you haven't updated because you are too busy GALing and don't need to vent here. I'm looking forward to your update!

[flowmom]

Well the last week has been strange. The aftermath of the visit from the ILs is that there has been a bit of a shift. H has been a bit more relaxed around me and hanging around the house more. I did have some heart to hearts with MIL -- partly so that she would "get" that her hope for reconciliation is unlikely to be fulfilled. My guess is that he told her that I have accepted the divorce and that he is feeling relieved as a result. I wish I could believe that it is a "sign" of "progress" towards reconciliation...but I don't believe that.

I did take a risk of trying to hug him on Father's Day, cause IMO that's what you do. But it was very awkward as his body language said "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". I told myself that it was no big deal and that I wasnn't expecting anything else. But that night I had several bad dreams that left me with a hangover the next day. I realized that I am not ready to make myself vulnerable around H, even if I have come a long way towards acceptance.

Last Friday night was very fun GAL. Dressed up and went to Smart Sister's 40th birthday party with great world dance music in an authentic time capsule tiki lounge. Danced like mad and had a great time. Also pulled off being a supportive sister and that felt good too.

Today I had a first session on the phone with a facilitator who does Byron Katie's "The Work". We worked on the thought:
"I am worried that divorce will scar my children for life". That took about an hour . I cried a lot, and made a little progress on enquiring into that thought and not being so attached to it. She was optimistic that The Work could be helpful for my procrastination issues too, and I'd like to try working with her for a while as I haven't been in IC lately.

I have been thinking a lot about why it was OK with me to be married to someone who wasn't there for me emotionally, and often practically. I realize that I went into marriage with my eyes wide open about the lack of emotional presence from H because I didn't want to be dependent on him, or have expectations that would be disappointed.

[SunnyD]

Wow, Flowmom, I find myself identifying a lot with all you've said. I keep asking myself the same quesions. For years I don't feel like I've been supported emotionally by my H yet now HE wants out. What IS that?!!!! And why do I care so much about reconciling when he hasn't even been here for me for so long? Maybe because I know I've made mistakes too, I don't know. Like you, I have a huge concern about the kids and I know they would be devastated. Like you, I've been "mom" for so long I don't even think of myself in terms of being an individual. Reading all your posts has helped me a lot.

[flowmom]

email from H today:

Hi

Thanks to the relaunch I made a dent in the new line of credit recently. And bit more money from that is due to come in later on this week, so I might be able to knock off another $xxx from it soon. But after that I'll have picked all the low hanging fruit from my business. I'll keep paying the interest and chipping away at the principle, but will have to produce some new products to make any massive headway on that debt.

I am beginning to think about buying a place rather than paying rent every month, but I can't even begin to contemplate that until I have more clarity about my finances. Do you know of anyone who could help us come up with a financial settlement?

H

This felt like a bit of a sock in the gut, but I guess I am as ready for it as I'll ever be. It amazes me that H feels OK about getting the D ball going without having a single R conversation in the last five months. F--- - it. I guess there's nothing to talk about at this point.

[Kalni]

Your H sounds like he is so...money focused all the time!!
Sorry dear, you cant do much but you certainly dont have to help if you feel like it. If he wants to find someone, let him find someone...
Hugs
K

[rr22]

He sounds totally checked out in this email. You also said he was checked out in person. You also said he was intermittently checked out during M. Don't know what to say.

Do you want to have one R discussion for you if you are post-DB anyway? Not sure what you should do to move forward for you. Can't get blood from a stone, but maybe some water? Dunno.

[flowmom]

Your H sounds like he is so...money focused all the time!!

Yes...that was part of the trigger for the nervous breakdown that preceded the separation. I'm thinking of saying him that I am ready to proceed with the legal separation (which is what I assume he is referring to), but that we need to agree on a vision of how we want to raise our children first. They come first, the comfort of our financial futures comes second.

Without being nasty about it, I want to tell him that I don't give a flying flip about whether he gets to be a homeowner when S6 needs occupational therapy and I want the children to be able to continue to live in their current home where they have lived their whole lives.

[flowmom]

He sounds totally checked out in this email. You also said he was checked out in person. You also said he was intermittently checked out during M.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Do you want to have one R discussion for you if you are post-DB anyway? Not sure what you should do to move forward for you. Can't get blood from a stone, but maybe some water? Dunno.

I have been going back and forth on having "the talk". Part of me feels it would help with closure and allowing myself to express myself freely... for me. Another part of me thinks 1. I am too vulnerable to have that convo with a stone and 2. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.