Good to decent weekend, folks...both my W and I got some good GAL time and had some good together time this weekend with the kids.
We both got a little buzzed on margaritas last night and I tried to initiate ML and got rebuffed (but was OK with it)...I admit I'm a little obsessed with it now and need to slow down and let her come to me.
Any help/advice out there (or maybe will post on the SSM forum), as I'm really getting worked up around her and kinda anxious (heavy breathing, even some shaking...) I want to figure out how I can relax when things get more intimate, as I know it makes her feel nervous (which I don't blame). Just having a hard time controlling myself lately (as the "floodgates" are now opened, as it were).
A little anxious about this upcoming weekend as well, as she'll be in "OM land" for 2 straight days. W has tried to reassure me that there are no plans to connect with OM (and that it's not even in her mind anymore - there's been no contact at all in about 8 weeks (which was a couple of texts back and forth), but know I will be in various states of anxiety while she's away (luckily, will be busy with my kids and have a packed weekend)...
Lastly, am getting pretty lean and looking good, if I do say - had to buy some small shirts this weekend (and getting into 30" pants/shorts)!
Good couple of days (getting some of the "A" stuff out there)...brought up my anxiety about her going to "OM land" this weekend (was really starting to cause me some angina) and "old me" would have stuffed it down and not said anything (of course, should have brought it up sooner)!
Talked about how I still feel whenever she is away (especially in OM's backyard), but now feel better about it and it seems pretty clear that she has no plans to see OM (and talked through what she would do if there were a chance meeting). Will be staying and be with friends the whole weekend, and she'll keep in touch with me to let me know how it's going. Even asked her to throw out a piece of sleepwear that is a "trigger" for me (as it was part of how I started piecing the A together when she was out of town).
Also got a chance to address some of the sex stuff (as we had lunch today and had some alone time in the house w/ kids at school and tried to initiate some physical contact, which she is still a little weirded out by (as I do tend to try to "ambush" her, which I know isn't good or fair to her).
We agreed that I wouldn't initiate for a little while and to let this settle for a while, since we haven't been physical/sexual in so long and do need to ease into it (and that we would be sexual when we go away for the night at the end of this month as part of my birthday celebration).
Started taking yoga this week in the hopes that it will help me with my anxiety when things do get physical (as I really do get overexcited and even a little shaky)...wish me luck as I hope my anxiety doesn't get the best of me this weekend!
Did exceedingly well this weekend (while W was in "OM land")...totally convinced that her trip was OM-free (and for the first time, wasn't anxious/nervous with her being gone, or really thinking about "what she was doing")...she did check in a good bit over the weekend and did a lot of texting with her.
Was nice that she bought some pseudo-sexy sleepwear for herself on the trip (and was trying them on for me!)
Am feeling more positive than I ever had about things and actually feeling as "in love" with her as I did when we were dating (and it seems like she's starting to come around as well - being a little flirtatious).
Hope everyone has a good week - will keep journaling (but don't hesitate for anyone to chime in)! Looking forward to another yoga class tomorrow...
Just a quick update – things are going really great with us…W was out of town for an extended work trip and didn’t feel any trepidation/anxiety about her being gone.
My birthday was a bit of a letdown (was on Father’s Day as well - she had taken a red eye to get back in town to celebrate but was really exhausted as she didn’t sleep on the flight) – me and the boys were also pretty tired as we spent almost 9 hours at an amusement park the day before. We went to a baseball game in the 90 degree+ heat, so were all spent by the end. Good thing is that she acknowledged it and we’ve made this whole week “my” week.
While she was gone, got my first tattoo (my first nickname for her in Korean (she’s half-Korean) – she has the same (my nickname in Korean) that she got when we were first dating) – was kinda my way to show that I’m getting over the A (not that I will ever forget) and that I see us in the long-term. Can’t believe I’ve gotten my first tattoo at 43 (and of course now contemplating a few others)!
We are going away together this weekend alone (with an ML “guarantee” from her…) which I’m looking forward to, and have a nice dinner planned…just trying not to make this the “be all end all” evening and to have fun with her (as I do tend to get serious and anxious when ML is on the agenda).
I’m seeing a real change in her – those moments that would have usually caused big fights she’s backing away from, and I’m being more sensitive to her needs, too…this really feels like that elusive “2nd honeymoon” people have talked about.
Main issue for me is how to continue to feel “safe” with each other (and those more minor triggers that come up at times) and ensure we don’t end up back where we were (disconnected/”roommates”).
Thanks for listening, NLG (need to change my moniker, that’s for sure).
So last night, W tells me something “funny”, that her ex-sister in law (our marriage is her 2nd) just found her on Facebook and wanted to “friend” her, which she said she did (apparently, they have 1 friend in common and that’s how the SIL found her).
Then said it would be weird not to contact her ex-husband (who apparently is remarried and has a daughter), and of course my anxiety stirred up (as recontacting an ex-flame was how the A started up)…
Was glad she told me all of this but did tell her it made me feel a little uncomfortable/anxious (to which she muttered under her breath “I can’t wait until we’re over this”).
When we first got together, W’s divorce from husband #1 wasn’t yet final, and do remember some pretty heated conversations between the 2 of them over the phone as she was working to get him to sign the divorce papers. W did say she feels like being able to be back in contact with him will help her smooth things over and not “linger” for her.
Am I being hypersensitive here? Feel OK today but definitely went to bed feeling a little out of sorts…funny how when you think the anxiety/old feelings are gone, they can come back like it was yesterday.
Wow – what a disappointing weekend, but guessed I learned a lot and know now where my W is with things…my birthday weekend night away (in which the W had said was our next opportunity to ML about 3 weeks ago) turned out to be a bit of a debacle.
Had a great time when we got there Saturday night – because the hotel had known it was a bday celebration, they upgraded us to a suite and had a bottle of wine chilled for us in the room…we had a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant and ended up going back to the room and watching a movie on HBO (she was tired from working all day)…ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine myself, which was a mistake (don’t usually drink much and didn’t sleep well + a hangover the next day)…
Next morning, had a nice breakfast downstairs and (in my mind) would be time for ML when we got back up to the room, and said this to her that morning, in which point she said she didn’t remember the conversation and “you should be intuitive and know I’m tired, stressed out, etc.”…feel in a way the end of the trip was ruined with this hanging over us (and of course now know I should have brought this up on the way up to be sure we were still on the same page).
On the drive back, got into the discussion and she said her feelings just haven’t come back for me (and that she has no “timetable” but that I need to be patient) – told her the hardest thing for me is knowing that she had desire for someone else but doesn’t have it for me. Also asked her what will help get that desire back and she didn’t know (but said she knows me “hijacking” her (directly saying we should “fool around”, etc.) doesn’t work).
Really made me feel like maybe I’m the one who needs to break this thing off, as I don’t want to live the rest of my life with someone with no desire for me, who might occasionally give me “mercy sex” (and have definitely told her that in the long-term, I can’t be in a sex-less, love-less M).
Told her last night in bed that I was feeling very depressed about all of this and she tried to “cheer me up” but damn, am still feeling very down about this. We have a trip to Hawaii in a week that of course I was thinking was our chance to “rekindle” things and now feel like I need to seriously downgrade those expectations (and she said we should take the pressure off and not “push” anything while we’re there).
I know this is a marathon, not a sprint, but am feeling really discouraged about ever getting my M back to where I’d like it to be…I know you can’t just turn back on desire, but really struggling with where to go from here.
DBers, need some help on this stich today!….thanks for listening.
NLG
PS: also know she’s been in contact (via FB) with her ex-husband now and this I think is also factoring into my feelings about things – she told me about some of their conversations (about how he regrets the end of their M, took a long time to get over her, etc.) and have now learned he’s in the middle of a divorce, so feeling like this could be a potential OM #2 situation…
I'm sorry to hear all of this. From my perch on the outside looking in, it certainly doesn't look as if you're wife is making any of the necessary efforts to make you feel safe and loved in the marriage following her infidelity. The FB ALONE is playing with fire, but when you throw in the lack of effort to even try to meet your sexual needs . . . ugh.
Have you ever read Dennis Prager's two articles about low-desire spouses? Maybe you should send them to your wife.
