I'm far from being a pro here and you are getting GREAT advice from some of the best people on this site. I am, however, dealing with some of the same things that you are. It's all still very fresh to me and maybe that will help you a little bit.
You must let her go, let her be however she is going to be. The time for communication, words of affirmation, all of that will be when and if she decides to commit to rebuilding your M. All of it that you do now will be considered by her as pursuing. You must stop immediately!
We all have trouble stopping the pursuing now that we "get it". It won't matter at this point. As you have read, your best bet is to show her, don't tell her, but show her you have accepted what she has told you, you agree with it, and you are okay with it all. Move on, do your own thing. Be happy about it at least on the outside. Have fun with the kids and keep busy. Do not let her see you pout and sulk any longer. Right now, you are the happy go lucky Dan that you used to be. Even though you are scared about what might happen to your family, you are the happiest person in town. Only let her see that side of you.
I will admit that I have had my ups and downs with the same things that you are. Since I started going our with friends, joined a band again and am just having fun, my W has complained about me being gone and not being home with the kids. At first, she succeeded in making me feel guilty. But if you stop and think about it, she doesn't want you around, doesn't want to do anything together anyway, so why should she care? Let her wonder why you are happy and not devastated about the sitch like you were before. And if she asks, just tell her you forgot how much you enjoyed spending time with friends, or just you and the kids or whatever.
We all come to understand that this is for our well being first and foremost. If the WAS comes back, that is the immediate goal. The ultimate goal is to improve yourself, fix your faults and shortcomings and realize you will be okay even if she doesn't come back.
As you already know, it ain't easy. But it can be done and is done every day.
