That is good advice. I have tried to do that and I really think I have done 180's in all her areas of complaints, but it didn't matter anyway. She said if I had started doing these things 5 years earlier, she knows we would be in a different place, but it is too late. I think her mind was made-up from the beginning, even though she says it wasn't.
I also wanted to work on marriage building exercises in the beginning. Goals, expectations, communication, needs expression, but she said she didn't need to, they wouldn't help, they didn't apply to her situation, etc., etc. She says her feelings for me are gone and she "knows" that will never change. She said, "ILYBINILWY, you know?" I said, no, I don't understand that. "I don't love you like I should love my husband." Ok?
We've never really communicating effectively on a deep, emotional level. Then she kept everything bottled-up and built-up resentments that she can't get over. She didn't communicate what she needed well enough for me to understand. When I asked why she didn't ask me for help, she said "I shouldn't have to. I told you I was overwhelmed. I don't know how you could let someone you love get so run down. I don't think you ever really loved me or you wouldn't have let that happen."
In my mind, I was very happy, but she says I was a grump and emotionally unavailable. I tried to make sure my needs were met, but I know now that didn't do enough to make sure her needs were met. That should have been my focus. I gave her what I thought she wanted, but that turned out to be what I wanted, not what she wanted. I assumed we wanted the same things, but apparently that wasn't the case.
She also has her own self-esteem and unrealistic expectations issues to deal with. There is nothing more that I can do except to honor her wishes and let her make her own choices.
She is being so nice to me (as usual) that I am having a hard time trying to figure out the balance between showing her support and "being gone". On the one hand, since we had so many communication issues, I want to show her that I can communicate with her, be a better dad and better husband. On the other hand, I need to be gone to show her I am strong and able to move on without her.
