I exposed to his parents and a few mutual friends. I didn't go into tons of detail, mostly just said he was going to file for divorce and that there was an OW involved and he had no interest in trying to repair anything with me and that this had happened virtually overnight. Well a bunch of mutual fbook friends cut connections to him, and I guess a few people called him and said some things to him about it. He claimed someone said that I "smeared his name." (He smeared his own name IMHO). And so now, he's angry, very angry, at me, for telling anyone, saying why is this anyone else's business? So does that mean it backfired? He also seems very ready to "get out" asap, in that he is claiming he won't fight me on anything, that he doesn't even want furniture, that he just wants it over. Clean slate for him. Explain that.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
And so now, he's angry, very angry, at me, for telling anyone, saying why is this anyone else's business? So does that mean it backfired?
NOPE -- it means he's human.
Seriously, did you think he would LIKE it???
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Antonia, here's two very good responses you can use when blamed by your husband for exposing him:
1. I decided I am no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair.
2. Everything I've done, I've done to try to fight for our marriage and our family.
Is OW married? Did you expose to her husband? If so, another great response is:
3. I felt that she had a right to know, and to make her own decisions for her family. It wasn't fair that she was the only one of the four immediately affected who didn't know the truth.
I will let Alan take this one, as he is an absolute EXPERT on it. I felt the EXACT same way, but everything Alan said was dead on.
I won't say I am an expert, but I do READ experts on the subject... and most reccomend treating infidelity like an addiction... or insist that it IS an addiction much like gambling or hoarding... unhealthy, seductive, and selfish... destroys the whole family
Maintain you want to save your family and your marriage and keep in CLOSE contact with your exposure group... the people who support your marriage along side you...
Here's an additional thoguht from Penny Tupy :
Love As An Excuse For Infidelity
Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
All interesting replies, thanks everyone. No the OW is not married. She was in a long-term rel. with her live-in bf and she dumped him, moved out, then my H confessed to the rel. with her and moved out on me. He insists it wasn't a pact but I beg to differ.
Well he has now calmed down and is back to talking to me or contacting me over house stuff in a more rational tone. He has told me that next week, the OW is going away by herself for the week, which "impresses him" because that is "so independent" and of course he keeps saying I'm not independent and that's why he can't be with me. (Nevermind that HE has never gone anywhere overnight alone, and I don't get why he feels he has to make a case to me about why she is so "great" for him, but whatever). Now how do I handle next week? My instinct says to allow him to be in contact as she isn't around all week, but instincts never seem to be right with DBing. So should I completely ignore him next week when all he has is the ability to speak to her on the phone or text? Not answer his emails or texts? Make him feel alone? I feel like right now he is filling his "romantic" needs with her and yet still trying to fill his "house and home" feelings with me, and he can't have it both ways.
PS. that piece by Penny is terrific, thanks.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
For starters, I would NOT allow him to talk about OW so casually to you. That is like the ULTIMATE personal boundary, and you need to nip that one right there: "I would ask that you don't talk about your girlfriend to me -- it's incredibly disrespectful, and I won't tolerate it."
What do you mean, "Now how do I handle next week? My instinct says to allow him to be in contact as she isn't around all week, but instincts never seem to be right with DBing."
Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?
Think of the children. If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?
If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"
Be honest with yourself. Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.
Be honest with your partner. By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.
Accept responsibility. Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.
Assess your commitment level. Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.
Behave your way to success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!
Turn toward your partner. When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.
Re-engineer your life. If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
