Need a pick me up

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Work, eating with my parents tonight, friend and business partner coming up to stay with me tomorrow night and will be here on Thursday.

It's a start.

Called her and left a message about an hour ago, she has not called back, its amazing how that would have been no big deal but now I am consumed by it.

Burt

I'd suggest going very dim for the 5 days. Stay busy.

[dburt]

She did call back, and we had a very pleasant conversation, remember she does not know I have seen her notes. About an 8 minute call about the kids, when she is coming home (Saturday) What she plans on doing today, what my plans were.

Puppy with all of the evidence in her notes about me being mean, controlling and putting her down, is it wise to go dim now, like to show her my nice side.

Burt

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's for you to decide. But you've been TRYING to be nice, placating, supplicating, etc., what with the big paychecks and all, and where has it gotten you?

I'd minimize your contact, but when you ARE having contact with her, be nice as hell.

Puppy

[dburt]

Thank you.

Burt

[RonD]

Burt,

I haven't read your entire sitch but have a thought. If she thinks you are being mean, controlling and putting her down, maybe you are. Obviously she thinks so, so maybe it's worth exploring where she is coming from.

That was the single biggest problem with my marriage but it took a divorce to hammer it home to me. With hindsight, I can see exactly where my wife was coming from. Changing that aspect of my personality has made all the difference in the world for us. Worth investigating, I think.

[dburt]

Believe me, I am looking into that, although what she thinks is controlling I find not very controlling at all. God I wish I could control her a little.lol

But in all seriousness, I can see her point. I have pledged not to pressure her or try to control her at all. That is not to say when the time is right, when the relationship can get back to what it was in January or so this year, I cannot discuss things that bother me.

Just no more smart ass comments.

Burt

[pearlharbr]

Burt, just catching up.

Sorry, but reading those things from your W's pov I totally get why she's pissed at you. If you really did make all those snarky comments then I would be pissed too. It's uncalled for. I know where you're coming from when you want to talk to W about her possible hormone sitch. But you MUST understand that the tone of the conversation is just as important as the content. If you're walking around the house muttering under your breath or being sarcastic then you're digging yourself into a huge hole.

She's already angry at you. Be smart about how and what you communicate. Try to see things from her pov. Listen to what she's saying and validate.

For now, back WAY off and go back to working on yourself.

[Four_More_Years]

Believe me, I am looking into that, although what she thinks is controlling I find not very controlling at all.

Such as?

[dburt]

Such as being somewhat pissed when she does not give me what I need, my natural reaction is to make a sarcastic joke, ie the noodle story.

But it does not matter, her POV is what is important, we can learn how to communicate both ways better later, but for now, it is about me communicating with her and making her feel less controlled and less put down.

Does everyone agree with staying dim for the next, 3 days, ie, just wait for her contact?

Not saying it is wrong, just looking for more than one opinion, although the one I got is from someone that I respect a great deal.

Burt

[RonD]

My opinion, if she thinks you're controlling, going dim may be seen as another controlling tactic. As you said, her POV is what is important.