I had a good long drive home today. When I finally walked through the door at 9, I felt so calm and as "strong as 10 bears" (a cousin's favorite saying). The house was quiet. D was bathed and in jammies. So was W. They were watching a DVD in bed.
D heard me and came to tell me all about here day. I concentrated solely on her. Then I took her up to bed. W came in and lied down beside her and started to talk. I asked her about her day. What was the highlight? (These are new things I have added to my 180's- if she is interactive, I ask about her day and the "best part")
She asked me about a lump on her neck. It was one of her famous knots. So I worked it for a while like I used to. And we chatted quietly about normal everyday things. No tension. She even looked me directly in the eyes a few times. Her phone buzzed a 4 or 5 times and she didn't move. Even went to the bathroom without it.
Anyway, after 45 min or so, I told D it was bedtime. Gave her a hug and walked to the door. W said "Thanks for that. I think you even cleared my sinuses."
So here I sit. And in taking what I know about DB'ing so far, I have a new approach and I'd like a critique.
(yes, I will verify her actions and if there is an A)
If she is interactive and 'her old self', I have decided I will ask about her day. I will show her the man I was and am again now (or working really hard toward it). I will be the adult and the strong leader. And,I will try to touch her just once. Simple. Just human touch.
If she is not behaving as normal or counter to the direction I intend our family to travel, she will see none of it. I will find something else to do. I will also be diligent of boundaries of time; and when she is here she must be "here". Texting and FB can be done when we aren't interacting with each other or D.
So although she has dropped the bomb, it is not a licence to have an open marriage; nor be unaccountable; or rude. These will be the rules if we are together or apart. I am going to set up life for D and I with structure. It's safe and predictable.
Home is for family. Single, selfish behaviour will not be tolerated or ignored.
But I will keep my strength and keep GAL'ing and getting myself centered on who I want to be.
If she likes what she sees when she is "open', then great. If not, I'll tell her she needs to make a decision because I won't do it for her.
If W begins to feel the "family feel", great. If not, fine too. Sad but fine. But I will lead and she must make the choice to follow "US" or go it alone.
I feel really good right now. A calm strength I barely recognize but I like it.
These will be the rules if we are together or apart.
CD,
Surely you didn't mean this part? ^
You intend to control her with rules, even if you're apart??
I have to give the rest of it some thought, and get input from the others. Don't get me wrong, I loooove the strong, confident new attitude, but there's something amiss here. I think it's this: while you can certainly control, to some extent, how others treat you via boundaries (and should!), you DON'T want to convey some elaborate, controlling system of "conditional love." The totality of your post strikes me as "if you do this, I will love you," which is the very definition of conditional love.
Again, needs some more thought, and some more input from others. Maybe it's just me.
Sorry, PDT. What I meant by the rules is "family rules'. So whether she's here or not, D and I will live by the rules. We will do our best for each other and give our best. If either of us needs time/space to adjust an attitude, rather than 'keep picking at it' (which my wife and I did and landed here), we will give the space and 'alone-ness'.
There is certainly an element of "conditional" inherent in boundaries. If you stay within the boundaries, you enjoy the full benefits of the family. If you stray outside, you are "outside" the family. It won't be that I don't love her on a certain level, but the affection and attention she wants/needs will not be available when she is 'off on a tangent'.
Clearly it won't be this "Dog Trainer" simple, but the theory seems sound.
I would just like your critique to see if it is cinsistent with DB.
I had mentioned earlier that one of W's key complaints has been the lack of affection/touching. I don't need to explain how that happened. It's a cliche circle of withdrawl. However, detaching as suggested and leaving her in time and space would simply be a continuation of our exzisting relationship. She would have nothing to miss. I was already THAT guy. That's why I felt it necessary to add the touching/affection back; even if it's simply back, foot or neck rubs. If she gets it from me then it will feel comfortable and familiar as well as reducing the need to get it elsewhere.
I had mentioned earlier that one of W's key complaints has been the lack of affection/touching. I don't need to explain how that happened. It's a cliche circle of withdrawl. However, detaching as suggested and leaving her in time and space would simply be a continuation of our exzisting relationship. She would have nothing to miss. I was already THAT guy. That's why I felt it necessary to add the touching/affection back; even if it's simply back, foot or neck rubs. If she gets it from me then it will feel comfortable and familiar as well as reducing the need to get it elsewhere.
Just a theory.
Understood, but just know that we've never seen it work. There's even a running gag around here about the "foot rubs" thing. Just make sure you leave her wanting MORE, and don't overdo it.
I want to be clear that affection will not be "pursued" or "pursuing". If she is "looking" or "asking", then I will assist. I appreciate your experience here because I really need it. And, like conversation, I will decide when we're done. I'll cut them short.
Does it make sense that completely detaching from her physically would only support her current view of me? I hope you see where my view is from.
If I'm wrong, please let me know. If there is an alternative, I'd like to hear it.
Hi AA. There have been a few instances in the last week where she "presents" herself in such a way that NOT touching her would be a rejection. e.g's Last night holding her neck and asking "Is this a lump"? Monday was "do these scars look better? Will this color fade? This middle one seems rough. See?" And "is there something on my back?" (a pimple) "Can you get it?"
It just feels like she may be looking to see if the door is still open since I said "OK" to her bringing home Sep paper; GAL'ing; being strong and confident about ME; and just going about my business.
A friend asked "Does she KNOW how you feel since you don't talk about the relationship?" I said yes, she knows I don't want a divorce. We discussed it when she dropped the bomb. Then he asked "But if you are doing all these things to get your life together and not pushing back on Sep Paper and such, how can she know you haven't changed YOUR mind if she has doubts?"
I had to agree with him. So, in the future, anytime she brings up anything about separation, my response will be "If that's what you want". I'm hesitant to add "because that's not what I want". Your thoughts?
How do I make it clear that the door is open and I am NOT agreeing with her position nor looking to get out myself?
"You do all the work i will not help with the detruction of my marrige and family, I would be more than willing to talk about reparing or marrige and Saving our family so our daughter does not grow up in a broken home" Then walk away.
Let the guilt eat at her. I.M.H.O
My wife cryed for forty five minutes when i told her this in mediation and she put the divorce on hold for two months.
Allen gave me some addvice that i should get things on divorce and what it does to children and leave them around the house if i was you i would do that now.
Last edited by twolf; 06/23/1005:39 PM.
Me 37 Waw 32 son2 bomb 8/11/09 O/M 12/25/09 Divorce filed 8/25/09 divorce finale 6/16/10 Divorce putt on hold 6/16/10 Divorce postponed STBXW idea 8/8/10
