Us humans are path-of-least-resistance people. Let's face it, we don't like to do the heavy lifting -- take the more difficult path -- if we don't have to.
Right now, FFH, your wife is facing a painful choice: give up my friendship with OM, or risk losing my husband. And her FIRST attempt here is very likely going to be "Is there a way to KEEP my husband, without HAVING to make this choice?" So she's going to be nice to you (possibly even initiate sex), and/or try the incremental approach to whatever your few "dealbreakers" are going to be. IN other words, "Can I 'be nice' my way out of this, without having to quit my job, without having to hurt OM's feelings with a no-contact letter, etc.?"
You need to hold out for the better fruit, or you will be splitting these distinctions forever (how much contact is too much contact? can I still see OM, but only in a work setting? How about a social setting, but with others present? How about only if the barometric pressure is over 30.00mb?? etc.)
