Was cleaning one of the bedrooms and came across a diary of sorts the WAW wrote when she was in the hospital after giving birth to our son that she NEVER shared with me !! She was crying out even then , I just didnt see it !!!!! She even wrote a section that was obviously intended for me to read. She felt this situation coming ( a huge argument/fight/breakup ) back in October if things didnt change as far as how I treated her and met her emotional needs. I thought I couldnt feel any worse and have found yet another depth of disgust and loathing for what I allowed to happen. She poured her heart into the pages but for whatever reason couldnt SAY IT to me or give me the book to read. Im now more convinced then ever, having read the book that she didnt want any of this, but reached her limit and didnt know what to do to reach ME!!!!! That doesnt mean Im excusing her behavior or reactions, but its clear that this was more about ME and what I was and wasnt doing, even though she admits in the entries there are things she could have been doing differently as well.
I dont know what the hell to do. Give it back to her immediately, hold onto it for now, hoping to get some kind of break through or softening over the next couple months with the counselor and when she's willing and open to accepting and feeling in her heart my apology and changed ways, in the hopes of her being willing to try again.
