I do still see this as temporary and it's because of the many times he has left me. In my mind I tell myself it's temporary and doesn't really mean anything in order to save myself when he leaves again. If I invest too much of my heart into this R I feel like I won't recover when he leaves again.
Yes, I said when, not if. I'm not prepared for if. If means there is another possibility and that this might be for the rest of our lives. That is too much to hope for in my eyes. Gabe and I are both very broken people. Honestly, neither one of us has any business being in a R with ANYONE but we functioned ok as a broken whole. Understand? If you do, explain it to me!!! LOL.
My counselor is being cautious in the extreme with me on this. I have told her about Gabe's way of 'dealing' with things - running away and never talking through problems or differences of opinion. She helped me work through the worst of my depression and doesn't want me to risk going back there if Gabe disappoints me. I told her I can't be disappointed if I expect nothing from him but that's also no way to live. I know I have control of my own situation and zero control over how he reacts to my thoughts and feelings. I'm just scared to sit him down and talk to him about it. I don't want him to just agree with me on where I feel we are headed out of a need for a place to live or some misguided thinking that this might as well be where he stays since Marc is here and I'm giving him a roof over his head. I would like him to stay, but only if he is truly happy with me, not just because he has no better option. That leaves the door too open when that 'better option' shows up again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
