No coach, I actually HATE the drama. Clearly I must be having a terrible problem understanding the difference between not being treated like a doormat by WAW and not inducing drama.
How do I get any respect or ANYTHING for that matter from her if I let her just keep calling all the shots and I roll over and take it without saying anything or standing up for myself ??!?!?
SHE decided this is what she wanted, clearly without thinking through a lot of things. So Im just supposed to let her take whatever the heck she wants to help her ?? Hell, I've already had several other people telling me Im being to nice and "kissing her a$$ " by letting her continue to use my other pickup for the next week or so. So I should go take my truck back, but let her help herself to things that I paid for, since she left, because she wants them ??
I wonder why Im confused................
As for the neighbor, it has NOTHING to do with gossip. She knows us, has observed the dysnfunction from the WAW's behavior, is concerned about me and our children and has a degree and training in counseling. There are VERY few people I can talk to that are actually sincerely concerned and empathetic AND have the knowledge and observations of WAW's behavior to help me sort it all out.
Hell, when I told my father about the possibility that WAW was responsible for the allegations of my molesting our daughter his response was a shrug of the shoulders and not much more. He even facilitated her move by letting her use his pickup to get her motorcycle last night!!!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How do I get any respect or ANYTHING for that matter from her if I let her just keep calling all the shots and I roll over and take it without saying anything or standing up for myself ??!?!?
What specific actions have you taken to stand up for yourself? What boundaries have you clearly communicated and enforced? What steps have you taken to protect yourself legally and financially? What have you done to seperate your finances?
What is the real reason you got upset about the trashbags?
You should have already had her things packed when she crossed the boundary (living with another man).
Your wife is running as fast as she can and you keep doing the same things. Why?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Was cleaning one of the bedrooms and came across a diary of sorts the WAW wrote when she was in the hospital after giving birth to our son that she NEVER shared with me !! She was crying out even then , I just didnt see it !!!!! She even wrote a section that was obviously intended for me to read. She felt this situation coming ( a huge argument/fight/breakup ) back in October if things didnt change as far as how I treated her and met her emotional needs. I thought I couldnt feel any worse and have found yet another depth of disgust and loathing for what I allowed to happen. She poured her heart into the pages but for whatever reason couldnt SAY IT to me or give me the book to read. Im now more convinced then ever, having read the book that she didnt want any of this, but reached her limit and didnt know what to do to reach ME!!!!! That doesnt mean Im excusing her behavior or reactions, but its clear that this was more about ME and what I was and wasnt doing, even though she admits in the entries there are things she could have been doing differently as well.
I dont know what the hell to do. Give it back to her immediately, hold onto it for now, hoping to get some kind of break through or softening over the next couple months with the counselor and when she's willing and open to accepting and feeling in her heart my apology and changed ways, in the hopes of her being willing to try again.
How do I get any respect or ANYTHING for that matter from her if I let her just keep calling all the shots and I roll over and take it without saying anything or standing up for myself ??!?!?
What specific actions have you taken to stand up for yourself? What boundaries have you clearly communicated and enforced? What steps have you taken to protect yourself legally and financially? What have you done to seperate your finances?
What is the real reason you got upset about the trashbags?
You should have already had her things packed when she crossed the boundary (living with another man).
Your wife is running as fast as she can and you keep doing the same things. Why?
Legally, we have the custody agreement, nothing more, no divorce since we were never married. We never had joint accounts, so nothing to do there either. I got upset about the trashbags because she just expected to be able to help herself to them without even bothering to ask and since my financial situation is so tight I need everything I pay for and cant afford to give it away. And on some level I suppose it was simply the presumption on her part that she was entitled to whatever she wanted to take.
Im NOT trying to keep doing the same things, honestly Im not. Im doing everything I can to let actions speak louder then words and SHOW her Im committed to being what she needs. But her walls are up so high right now nothing is getting thru or what does she resents as it took things getting to this level for me to realize it.
Well, came back from a visit with the kids for a short while and then a couple hours at my new place tearing out an old utility room and prepping it for a washer/dryer install.
Got a little satisfaction today while visiting kids at WAW's and EX's .
Their twins have always treated me as " Daddy" for as long as I've known them ( 14 years). Its killing me not to see or talk to them and the WAW had promised she would make sure I did get to see them and spend time with them, especially Harley, who I was very close to. So I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk around the block. Sara said " I'll pass " and left the room, she's always been the moodier of the two so this wasnt a terrible suprise. Harley wanted to go but had to ask her father, who promptly said NO. So he's already acting like a A hole, which Im sure will be a source of some tension.
So I took my infant son outside just holding him and talking to him and me and the WAW had a couple minutes of privacy, but no conversation other then dumb stuff. Then Mr Ex appears and its painfully obvious he's finding all kinds of "busy work" to do to keep himself within ear shot of us. I just smiled on the inside that I was making him uncomfortable and spent about 45 mins holding and rocking my son. WAW even avoided being to near me and tried to find things to distract herself with.
We had originally agreed I could see the kids everyday if I wanted to, of course I would do it regardless, but knowing its creating tension for him is a nice little bonus. Still going to be a LONG process and still definetly feel the pressure of being in a "race" with him for her heart, especially since she wont spend ANY time with just me and the kids yet. I know what she's doing, trying to bury feelings for me as quickly as possible.
But our counseling sessions for DD start next week, then there's the Fourth Of July parade and fireworks , then DD'd Bday a couple weeks after that. I'll be done my job retraining by the end of July and hopefully working full time by August. I KNOW he cant be doing terribly well financially, which will only add more stress, especially if i land the job I hope to that pays 1k a week gross, which frees up LOTS of extra cash for me to splurge in doing stuff with the kids. Here's hoping the walls are at least starting to crack by the end of the summer.
August 18th is our Anniversary, ironically the day after the EX's Bday. So there's lots of opportunities and situations over the next couple months to create issue's for them. Still resigning myself to the likelyhood of this being a 3 year exile. But I can do that, my kids deserve at least that much from me, so I can look them in the eye later and tell them I did EVERYTHING humanly possible to fix WAW and I's sitch.
I think I already know the answer, but Im gonna ask anyway. I've spent the night pondering things, and now Im pouring it out on paper in a handwritten letter to my WAW. Not blaming or anything, more like a heartfelt explanation/apology. Since she wont listen to me actually say it outloud, and I've read that even though she'll say she wont read it, she will. I know I dont have to give it to her, but I cant help but feel an overwhelming feeling that Im in a race for her heart with her EX that Im losing quickly. I know she's trying to bury her feelings for me as quickly and permanently as possible and I know he's poisoning her mind.
I just want her to somehow know that I realize how terribly I've been acting and treating her and why, and how it had MUCH more to do with me then it did with her. I know actions speak louder then words, but how can she see my actions if she isnt around to see them ? The only conduit will be through the kids and thats only a VERY limited scope, mostly concerned with spending time with them, that doesnt show her any of the other changes Im making daily.
She knows I have the other house, the one I can afford on my own, so she wont feel so much pressure about bills. She knows Im in the job retraining program through the State, but I wont be back to work full time for at least another month or so. And even then, the economy has been so bad I've been bouncing from job to job the last couple years trying to keep things afloat. So in her state of mind ( wanting STABILITY) that means she's going to need to see me in the same job for more then a few months.
Im not trying to get her to come rushing back home or anything, just that she knows Im doing all the things she needed me to do. Then I remember that she screamed at me the other day that she doesnt want to know anymore about stuff, because it just hurts her more. I know that was the anger talking more then anything, that on some level she really is glad Im doing it all, because I know from reading the diary she wrote to me 6 mos ago that this is the LAST thing she wanted to happen to us. When she writes things is one of the few times I know she's actually true and honest with her feelings.
I guess I'll probably finish writing it for now, but hold on to it for the time being and wait to see if her walls start to come down even a little with the help of the counselor we're going to see for the DD.
I just wish there was someway, maybe through God or something, that something could reach her heart and get her to see that this has been a life changing event for me, and things can be better then they ever were before for us, before its to late.
I know Im rambling and scrambling, just trying to do whatever I can before she's lost for good. Im doing a much better job of acting like Im ok in front of her, and like I said last night, I took some satisfaction that Im making the EX feel uncomfortable when Im there seeing my kids and that he's already acting like an a$$ regarding seeing the twins.
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Damnit this is SOOOOOOOOO frustrating.I KNOW on some level she DOES want to be together and its more her hurt and not trusting me to have really changed thats in the way, but how do I compete with him poisoning her mind, when she's so vulnerable to it ?
I also know she has done all this work to move out and all and is VERY stubborn and wont be willing to reverse course anytime soon, maybe out of pride or something.
so I can look them in the eye later and tell them I did EVERYTHING humanly possible to fix WAW and I's sitch.
the guys on here who say that take your approach and it doesn't work. your wife/gf wants you to stand up to her, she wants you to fight for her. playing the martyr and patiently waiting in exile isn't attractive.
as soon as you get over your addiction to the drama, knowing how she feels and trying to create love the sooner you can really do "whatever it takes."
Even a young girl sees right thru this and is turned off by pursuing.
Quote:
So I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk around the block. Sara said " I'll pass " and left the room,
You deflect it by saying she is moody. This female sees a male role model in her life coming over to see her while she is living with another man (who took your place) and you offer up "do you want to go for a walk?" looks weak, pathetic, submissive (you on his turf asking for favors)and conniving. you want to be confident, secure, cool, calm and in control. I am really trying to help you see what you look like, do you get it? What you think women want is dysfunctional.
I think you are doing the right things about your home, your job situation and staying busy. What you need work on is your interactions with your family. We know how hard it is to wrap your head around some of the concepts. I won't share things with you that are unproductive in helping your reconcile.
What exactly are the terms of your custody agreement?
Can you be considered a common law marriage?
Don't go over to where your wife and kids are staying. You meet them at your place or somewhere neutral to be picked up.
DON'T send the letter!
Will you really do whatever it takes?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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