Well, I see your point, Piano....that validating him might actually be what he needs. He does want to be able to talk to her and be close. It is definitely something I wish I could have done with stbxh instead of avoiding talking to him about our R at all costs. At the same time, though, if Gatsby doesn't want him to go it could be risky! What if it is just what he needs to hear to go for it?
I think that she shouldn't bring it up for now unless he does and maybe just ask him questions about what he wants from the trip..
also their baby girl has only been here a little over a week, right? So maybe her H will feel differently at the end of the month!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think I need to combine validation/freedom with the fact that I don't want him to go. I'm afraid that he follows me too much and if I appear too enthusiastic about his going, then he'll do it partially because he thinks I want him to! He's so crazy. I'm glad you guys understand, though.
So I was thinking of trying to explain a bit about "my" side. I would say that Jan-Feb were a time when I 'died' and many of my friends and family remember that pain. So some will
is it better they are around and live right around the corner? is it better that they want to be in our lives as "friends"? Or is it better that they do move far far away... or choose to not be in our lives at all? Does one way make us heal faster? Is it easier to have closure if there is OW? as opposed to no reason to not want to be with their wives just because?
Gatsby, I think your H is just in need of some attention! My H went through a week where he used to comment that he is moving to another state and once I started saying ok, send me a postcard, i'll help you pack, he stopped. I felt like what can i do to stop you... nothing! Is this his way of wanting you to say NO, PLEASE DONT GO! Me and your D need you??? Why should we pick them up?
i agree with your H's friend who commented and said that he may never be happy, because he is constantly looking for it!!! Happiness lies within ourselves. And yes, I know I allow myself to feel all this pain and anger, but its a result of someone else's action towards me. But as for your H, doesnt he realize he is STILL not happy, and it has NOTHING to do with you? i think that they are denying themselves the opportunity to be happy... they are pushing away the only good thing in their lives... like masochists! They dont know happiness if it hit them in the face. So instead some retract, some go look for OP and some go have affairs, or drugs, etc. Why would one deny themselves of happiness, of a child, of a baby, a family... if you cant find happiness in love and a family, will you ever find happiness in anything else!?
If I felt sad or 'not in love' with my H, i wouldve gone to shrink after shrink trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Instead they leave, (my H too) and claim they are still not happy? So why do it to yourself?
Think its just a line they say to try and make us feel better?
i sometimes think my H tries to sugar coat things to not hurt me so much.
Im sorry Gatsby he had to spring this on you now! ((HUGS))
Ravenly was one example of someone whose H took off 100% and she ended up being relieved because her current significant other has ended up adopting her baby. (who is now 4 years old!) And she gets him 100% time. Such a weird thing- on one hand, if the H stays in the baby's life as a father, great that the baby gets to know him but BAD for having to jump houses and we don't get them full time. If the H takes off, bad for the baby in not knowing their birth dad and bad for us in having to raise the baby alone until we meet someone but good for giving the baby a chance at an intact family and loving stepdad.
Last edited by newmama; 06/23/1001:45 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for your comments, guys! I agree with NM's last post. It's mixed!
Okay, so. Two things quickly.
1) Last night we brought little girl to the ER. No big deal really, just projectile vomiting and grunting. They said she was okay, and we have a doctor's appointment this morning. Anyway, WH and I were sitting in the little room by ourselves for about an hour. We had a bunch of small talk, but then I asked him if he was 'okay' because earlier in the evening he seemed upset. He dismissed me and said he was fine. But then 25 minutes later or so he said that he feels like such a horrible guy. That SIL's H really wants kids. . . and that he feels he (WH) will never be happy. That's when he started crying again. I said that he will be happy someday. He said he didn't think so. We had some silence and then moved back to small talk.
2) What I need to say to him:
* My 'side' briefly to explain why people have some difficulty with him (maybe this isn't necessary) * That even though she and I have a different last name, we can still all 3 of us be a family *
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
How scary to bring your baby girl to the ER! But it doesn't sound like you panicked...well done.
Do you feel like just talking to your H about how he feels--asking more? Or do you feel like you don't want to be his counselor right now? Or how do you feel about why he was crying and how he is acting?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
i want him to do this himself, without much input from me. i feel like he follows me so much. at the same time, it seems like we could slip apart forever if i don't let him know that i do still want him!
I think i'm not going to say the top star in my last post. i will talk about our name and:
* I want his influence in our lives * His going to Ethiopia or whatever affects us. Period. What he does affects us (baby and me) because we're all connected.
And I think that's all I need to say. I don't want to counsel him too much. I was thinking of telling him that happiness is a choice and I think he's looking for peace. I could mention that. But I want him to figure things out himself.
What do you guys think? I'm thinking of talking with him on the weekend.
Is your H still staying with you? have you read up on some MLC threads and articles? You should... sounds like your H is really going through some stuff.
I realized I wasnt the one who needed to pick my H up. But every once in a while I do give him a little hand... enough to make it a one line sentence and no conversation needed to back it up.
I like the last two points you said you want to mention to him. At this point, what do you have to lose! And maybe H needs to hear how you feel.
