I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

Where to begin...

Y'all might want to go to the bathroom & grab a cold drink before we begin. Just sayin'.



H called Monday night to talk to me. I was surprised to say the least. S8 had given me a message earlier that H was sorry this had ever happened and that he wasn't mad at me anymore. I told S8 that he didn't need to be in the middle of us & that while we both loved him, don't try to act like a mediator.

I thought he'd been making it up. I was wrong, H had really told him to say all that. He told me that he'd been feeling guilty about everything that had happened, that I was a wonderful person and he didn't see just how much he'd hurt me. I gave him my views on forgiveness, told him that he could stop feeling guilty, I'd forgive him if he'd forgive himself.

He was broken up about having to start over with nothing, I told him it was a good place to start over at. I apologized for trying to control everything about his life & told him that he had a great opportunity here--this was the first time he didn't have someone telling him what to do, not me, not his parents. Every choice was his. I swear I thought I was channeling J3B a couple times while talking to him. Except I wasn't just regurgitating things I'd read here. I meant every word of it.

I thought we ended it pretty well. The beginning of some kind of communication. I was happy to hear that he realized he needed to work on himself. The only way I wondered how it would affect *us* was to wonder if I was ready for there to be an *us*. If I still wanted there to be an *us*.

I was still contemplating it when he called last night and asked if he could come visit so we could talk. Every fiber in my body screamed "No!!", but I said yes. I told myself that it didn't mean anything, maybe he just needed to talk about everything that has happened. Maybe he's not even thinking about a reconciliation.

Again... I was wrong.

He started off sounding good, I was hopeful for him. He talked about having to start over, & how things weren't as bad as they seemed. He talked about appreciating the people who had helped them out, and made mention of people he was surprised hadn't even bothered to show up & lend their support to his parents--he didn't seem just hurt by that, he seemed pissed (uh-oh, first red flag)

He talked about realizing that the most important things that mattered in his life weren't really *things*. The the kids, his family & "you and me" were the most important things. (red flag number two. Not "you and me"...more "youandme". mmmmmno)

More talk of starting over, more talk of his choices, more of me just sitting and listening (which I've become very good at the past month, I might add). I told him I was sorry for everything I'd put him through, I'd had no right to treat him like that, and even though my intentions were good, it was still controlling of me. I told him I loved him & always would, and I offered my support in any decision he made.

Eventually he said that what he'd hoped to hear while he was here was that there was hope for us (Danger Will Robinson!! Danger!!) He didn't like my answer of "I don't know." I told him that I wasn't shutting the door just yet, I hadn't filed anything because I wasn't sure of anything. I didn't know if we'd end up together again, so I couldn't say *yes* and I wouldn't say *no*.

Not what he wanted to hear. He told me he didn't want to be known as the bad guy, and didn't believe me when I told him I'd never portrayed him like that. He told me at one time that it wasn't fair that he had to leave--he hadn't asked me to leave & support him while he lived here with the kids. "Wait, H, I support us. I haven't asked you for anything." "No, but you will. That is all that is important to you."

That's when the facade fell. Right back to twisting my words & making me feel like I was to blame. I knew he was faking it. I knew he was, NO ONE does that much work in five days. I said exactly that and you know what he did? He counted back FIVE FREAKIN DAYS!! Told me what he was doing five days ago & that we hadn't even had our last fight yet five days ago.

Head, brick wall. Brick wall, head. I know you've met, please get reacquainted.

Thanks for proving my point, H. He started in on a barrage of things I'd done wrong, I stopped him & told him our visit was over. The last thing he said before he walked out was "I just didn't think I'd f@cked up so badly." And not in a 'wow--I really screwed up" kind of way. Try 'wow, you are still over reacting.'





He called maybe ten minutes later to apologize & we ended up getting into a flat out fight. I was still to blame, I still needed to hear how I hurt him, I still was the one who threw him out, I was talking in circles telling him I wasn't going to make any decisions for him when I had made the decision that he leave.

I finally snapped. And I'm not sorry. I told him that I had made every effing decision for him for the past nine years--what to eat, what to do, when to take classes, how much to work, whether to work at all, I even bought every piece of clothing you wore. I did it all, all of it and I was WRONG! Now it's your turn to make your own decisions."

I told (yelled) him that HIS decisions were a huge part of the reason we were here, his decisions were the ones he had to deal with, and only the decisions he made could get him out of this mess. If he didn't want to make those decisions, then fine. lay down and die because that's your only option. But I WILL NOT curl up in a ball and cry because you think I should. I will not spend the rest of my life paying for the decisions that you made.

I've made my choices, I choose to make myself a priority, sorry you still can't see why. Man the eff up and own your sh!t. You got you to here, only you can get you out. Quit blaming me.

Annnnndddd... that's when he decided there MUST be someone else. give me a freaking break. He's been accusing me of cheating for the past nine years. I've never even come close. Not once. Not even an inappropriate hug from a man. But now there was someone else. He said that was the only reason I'd want him gone. To which I said, "There was never anyone else. The only other person I started to care about towards the end of our marriage... was me."


I do look forward to the day when I do love again. I do look forward to sharing my life with someone who respects me and appreciates me & loves me. I won't be his scratching post. I won't be the reason he fails. I will have a partner in a marriage.

This "marriage"? This one is dead. I think it died a long time ago, it's just taken this long to decompose.


The last thing I said to him on the phone was to ask--no beg, while crying--for him to just leave me alone. I don't know what he wants from me, so please, just leave me alone. He said he would and hung up.


And then he emailed me. *sigh*.

W, I know that I am wrong by writing you this email after I told you that I would leave you alone but, on my way back home I prayed and asked God to give me a way to handle all of the things that had happened. I was then re shown a scripture from Psalm 107 2-9 that I stumbled upon today in the debris, that says to me that my soul has fainted me and I believe that my soul will be filled with goodness again by trusting and believing in God. I know that I will always love you and I will be your friend no matter what. I also will continue to love and cherish and see my (our) children, no matter what. I will do what is right for the circumstance that I am presented with with only love and forgiveness always. I will continue to offer my love and friendship and I will display nothing but respect that I have for you as my wife and as our wonderful children's Mother, forever. I wanted you to know this. I am going to "Fix it" I promise you this. That is "Fix" me and in turn I will become the person that God has created for me to be. I sincerely mean this enough to put it into words. Please accept me as I am today and what God has empowered me to become tomorrow. I will always love you. I will continue to trust, Love and respect you forever. I know it wasn't fair for me to place any ill feelings on you today and it won't happen ever again.

Sincerely, H

The scripture in the debris... they were getting rid of the rubble & discovered that all three of the bibles that were in the fire hadn't been destroyed. Two left untouched, one with a little smoke damage. H took that as a sign.


So that's where I am. A friend from here on the boards has said I am now a WAS of an MLCer. Okay. The only thing I want right now is for it to stop. Just be done. I want to be happy & I want my soul to be at peace. This is not it.


I've not responded to the email. I really don't want to.

You can 2x4 me for yelling at him. It's okay. I don't regret any of the things I said to him, only the way I said it. And I barely regret that.

I'm exhausted. But at least now I know *exactly* how I feel.

I want to be happy. I want to be myself. I don't want to figure his crap out for him anymore. He can do it on his own, or not--I don't care anymore. Just as long as he stops trying to drag me down with him.

I like it here in the sun.

I like my life.

I like me.