WW is not used to me sticking up for myself and I think that she is realizing that she no longer has control over me or what I do and that is driving her anger.
But I've always believed that when someone is seething with rage and lobbing insults, the best thing to do is remain calm and not sling mud back. So what I was trying to do was show her love (not romantic love) in the midst of the storm. Because I'm sure she expected me to throw insults and personal jabs back at her.
Puppy already commented on this, and I'll say amen to what he told you. As a woman I can also tell you that your W will not "appreciate" your loving calmness while she's slinging all types of disrespectfullness on you. You come across as being weak & spineless. Sorry to be so crude, but she must....MUST respect you as a man, first, then she must respect you as her H. She cannot do the second before she does the first.....and she cannot feel romantic love for you before she has the first & second in place.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
PD/Sandi - I get what you are saying and generally agree..."love" was the wrong word to use...mature would have been better.
Had to stop by the house to pick up a couple of things. WW pulls into the driveway while I'm walking to my car to put my things in...WW gets out of her car and out of common courtesy I say Hi...she says Hi back then I get in my car and drive away.
I lost it and started bawling listening to "Collide" by Howie Day on the way home...I just always thought WW and I would be together forever and at the end of the day able to weather any storm.
For what it's worth, she was wearing her wedding rings.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/24/1002:11 AM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Sandi - I took this from another thread inwhich you recently posted:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Do you belive that people should be educated on thes facts.
Of course I do! However, if your W in involved in an A then it is difficult for her to be teachable. It's like leading a horse to water....you can't make the horse drink it. It's my personal belief that a WAW would be more teachable about the facts when delivered from another person, b/c she has built a wall to keep whatever you say out.
I'm just saying that most of the H's try to verbalize all this information in an attempt to stop the W from leaving the M. But she has so much negative feelings toward him, that it gets in the way of her "learning" from his verbal attempts to educate her.
I think that carefully chosen statements that are thought out in advance...can be "responses" to things the WAW may thow at you. Short but packed with hard punches. What I try to tell LBH's is that when it begins to sound as if he is so much better than she is.....and if it begans to sound like a sermon, you've lost her b/c she will rebel against it, simply b/c it came from "you".
I have now seen the light about trying to "educate" my WW which is what you and PDT have been trying to tell me all along.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
You can, however, occasionally land little "truth darts," to some effect. Some examples that I used:
TRUTH DARTS:
-I will not hide your affair. -I will not financially support your affair. -It's your mess, you clean it up. -Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments. -Secrets kill marriages. -You are being played. - Your current behavior is not helping the children. - "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks! - How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair? - You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage. - Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path. - (S14) and (S10) need you more than ever.
IF SHE TRIES "R" TALK:
DON'T argue past points with her. Simply state the truth of today.
- She is having an affair.
- It is impossible to analyze issues with the marriage as along as she is having an affair.
- You can't analyze a relationship where one partner is making unilateral decisions to bring a third person into the relationship.
- Betrayal is an intensely painful action for one person to inflict on another.
Just letting my emotions flow here...I have a digital picture frame in my work office that cycles through photos. I look at WW in the photos and think man...how she was a completely different person when those photo's were taken...but the expression on WW's face in our most recent Christmas picture (2009 when EA started)...just empty. I don't even recognize the "being" that is currently occupying WW's mind/body.
Just had to vent and get that out...good for my emotional well being and helps me to move on with my life.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/24/1002:29 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
