Thanks for posting - you're absolutely right. I need to go to court tomorrow. Now is not the time to roll over and play dead.
I read your most thread - are you and W in the actual process of divorce?
Don't mean to pry, just curious. Like you and your W, my H and I can still have a good time together and that's making it really hard for me to detach.
BTW, we live in Michigan but one of our very best vacations was the one time we visited DC together. Summer 2005. What a great place to be with someone you love! Sorry if that's sad, but reading your thread reminded me of that incredible vacation...
Hi WII--I'll tell you what I did - I've gotten myself into a real pickle!
I opted not to get an L for one main reason - they're SOOOOO jaded!! At least the three I've talked to have been.
So Mr. A got his lawyer and filed basically a boilerplate form for D, including the reason for D as something like, "the matrimonial bonds have been broken beyond repair." Well, I disagreed.
I answered pretty much every other line item in the petition "Agreed" - but I took full editorial liberty when I got to that one.
I redirected the money I would have spent on an L toward DB phone coaching and Jody actually gave me the BEST advice and perspective on what to include in my response. I will post it verbatim later if people are interested.
In any case, it made an impression because the (impartial) judicial attorney was very kind to me at the pretrial hearing.
Now I need to back it up tomorrow.
Even though I've lost all hope for reconciling within the next 15 hours, I meant what I said in my response to Mr. A's petition! I do think that our relationship could be repaired (albeit with a lot of work)!
So I'll go tomorrow. I'll show. The tough part will be not breaking down.
Warning - I'm about to go on a minor rant in my next post, but it will help prepare me for tomorrow!
Glad you have decided to go to court - I do think that is the best decision for you.
Thanks for reading my thread - haven't updated it in ages, but I've just really been in a state of sideways limbo for so long that it seems pointless at the moment. It has been a little over 2 years since my WAW delivered the bomb to me. We lived separately but together until Sep 2009 when she moved out - I refused to leave the marital property and the kids since I wasn't the one who cheated and wanted out of the divorce. She wasn't too thrilled about that, but I absolutely wasn't budging. Virginia requires 1 year of physical separation before you can petition for a divorce so we have about 3 more months to go before either one of us can file.
Since she has moved out we have been very amicable together (sometimes almost too nice until she quickly pulls back) and we co-parent extremely well. However after being without a partner for more than 2 years now, I am really wanting to move on, although admittedly I have not completely cut the rope. If she walked in tomorrow and said she wanted to work things out I would give it serious consideration, but at the same time I would be a little bit disappointed. I guess that means that I have detached at least part of the way.
I also lived in Michigan when growing up - went to U of M (Go Blue!) and will be traveling up to Kalamazoo in July for a visit.
DC is nice and it would be even better if my situation was different and it will be someday I'm just not sure with who yet.
The pretrial conference took all of us (me, Mr. A, and Mr. A's lawyer) by surprise, which is why I didn't bother to become "informed" before tomorrow.
I got a notice in the mail that I was supposed to be in court on 5/12 for the pretrial conference. It also said I was supposed to have a whole bunch of paperwork filled out.
I called Mr. A to see if he had gotten that notice and he said no.
Then I went to the free legal service I've been using and they told me that it would be me and the lawyer at this conference - Mr. A's attendance was not necessary. I thought for sure he would opt out. The free legal service also told me that I didn't have to do any paperwork beforehand.
Anyway, I got to court on the appointed day, and lo an behold, WH was there. I said, I didn't expect to see you here! He said, I was told I should be here.
So I heard L tell WH the following: Your W and I need to meet with the judicial attorney. Just wait here for me. I'll tell you what happens.
So L and I were planning to go into the judicial attorney which we did. Then she (the JA) asked if she had seen my WH in the hall. Yes. She said, I have three chairs, bring him in.
So then we had an hour-long talk, after which we were directed to go to the mediation center down the block and put our names on the list for mediation, which we did.
In the meantime, everything was all fuched up. I held myself together (emotionally) until Mr. A's stupidass lawyer went on a diatribe of speculation about why *HE* thinks that Mr. A and I couldn't make it work, all during which Mr. A was rolling his eyes.
Then the L took a personal call from his W and announced to the room that they're expecting their second baby.
I choked out a congrats, but I couldn't help but start crying at that point. Why would he say that? All I want is my H and a little bundle of joy, and he brings *THAT* up *THEN*?
So the lawyer went from my "neutral" list to my "dislike" list real quick.
I'm not looking forward to seeing that [[person]] tomorrow!!!!
One of the biggest mistakes an individual can make is not having a legal representative when their divorcing spouse has one.
A lawyer should review the settlement to ensure that your legal rights are met. And even if it is boiler plate, once the settlement is signed it's over. Up until the signing, anything can change.
And a lawyer can instruct you on what is fair, what to double check, etc... they are a professional sounding board. If you're just using the lawyer to review the settlement and provide advice, the cost will be minimal. However, you will know if the agreement is equitable and/or equal.
This should not be a bone of contention, since you're doing the same thing your divorcing spouse is. And it's not a problem to ask for a continuance to seek legal representation.
You've gone along with his wishes and desires. This is a time to protect yourself within the parameters of the law.
*hugs*
Oops.. I posted while you did. Anyway.. do what works for you. All I know is that I'd never want to go to court unrepresented after seeing what happened to a friend when her ex-spouse had one. What seemed like an open and shut case worked completely against her. Lawyers know the language of the law and the judges likes and dislikes.
Go Blue! I'm an alum and now a staff member (for many moons) in the law school's alumni office. I hope that's not TMI!
I haven't been to KZoo in ages, but a very close friend of mine is living there now and insists that I come visit. The problem is that I need to find someone to watch the dogs, as WH is divorcing them too!
Anyway, BA, thank you so much for your perspective. If you ever find yourself around Ann Arbor and need some football tickets, let me know!
P.S. Part of my GAL is to go to Traverse City tomorrow afternoon and just sit by Lake Michigan. I think that will be good, even though it was WH's and my favorite weekend getaway. I'm going with my sister, so it shouldn't be totally depressing.
I'm not worried about getting an L at this point. I do some legal-ish work and can navigate the process pretty well. (For better or for worse.)
Mr. A bolted. I mean, seriously. He may have been planning his escape for awhile, but he left unexpectedly, even to him.
I know this is the case because he took nothing with him, he had personal plans for the next week, he had to sneak back in and get necessities for living (which he hoped I wouldn't notice, but I did), etc.
We had a minor fight late in the evening and he said, I'm outta here. Never came back in any serious way.
I love Mr. A, but I'm pissed that he left that way and never seriously considered reconciliation. He's had every day since then to know that he'd be welcomed back, and he's chosen not to return.
On the other hand, I know that the way he left was probably the only way he thought he could leave! If we had "talked" about it, I would have convinced him to stay.
And therein lies the problem: I could talk Mr. A into *ANYTHING*, and often I did. I didn't dialogue, I steamrolled.
Well, I was quickly ready to change my approach when he left, but I guess it was too late. I didn't even recognize this as a problem between us until he was gone.
I'm working on the deep-seeded tendency in myself to convince others to do what I want. That's not cool. (But I *have* made a lot of progress!) In the meantime, I have to not be that way with Mr. A or anyone else, and I have to get through tomorrow!!!
If you ever find yourself around Ann Arbor and need some football tickets, let me know!
Mrs. A - you have become my new best friend!!!
Now WHAT are we going to do with Rich Rodriguez!
Originally Posted By: Mrs. A
P.S. Part of my GAL is to go to Traverse City tomorrow afternoon and just sit by Lake Michigan. I think that will be good, even though it was WH's and my favorite weekend getaway. I'm going with my sister, so it shouldn't be totally depressing.
I love the Traverse City area (Summer Cherry Festival!). Many years ago when I was in high school I had a friend whose family owned a lake house on Torch Lake and we would go up almost every weekend in the summer to go water skiing and swimming. Ahh those were the days.
