Re-Connecting

[Fightingforher]

I think I may have mis-spoken... I was relieved because I really don't want to take any steps backwards. I really value all of your opinions and I don't want to let my emotions take over and say the wrong thing.

So a lot happened lastnight. I went to bed and thats when the texting started from my W. She apologized for the emails during the day and said she doesn't want a D. She said she will goto MC, anything to save the M. I kept my answers very short and told her that I have a lot to think about and I couldn't give her any answers right now.

She brought up the OM and said it's not what I think. He has been nothing but a friend to her (still won't admit EA). I told her that her actions speak louder then words right now.

I wanted to know how to address this. Is this where I lay out my "wants". Tell her no contact with OM, etc......

I'm also worried that she is doing this for all the wrong reasons. I think she finally realized how tough it will be out there. Not to mention I'm about a month away from buying our home and moving her out.

HELP!!!

[Greek]

She says she will do anything to save the M? OK. Here's what Coach did when I made noise like that during our separation. He did nothing but ask me what I was going to do to salvage it. I think someone on here suggested to him that I do all the "heavy lifting" and that's the path he took. He didn't ask me out to discuss it - he made me invite myself. And when we talked about it, it was all about what I was going to do going forward. He in no way presented himself as blameless, but that ground was already being covered by him (180s, he had apologized earlier for mistakes). And when said I would contact my L, stop the D, move back home, get "all in"... nothing changed for him until I ACTUALLY DID IT. There was no infidelity, but I imagine if there had been, he would have insisted on a transparency plan (ala Puppy).

My point is --- do NOT jump right in and rescue her now. MAKE HER DO THE WORK TO PATCH IT UP. Don't be an a$$...just don't SAVE her from the mess she made.

And don't take that key logger off. You need to trust but verify. You need to be sure this whole Save The Marriage deal didn't come on b/c the OM was cooling off on her.

Greek

[Fightingforher]

I still have the keylogger but I removed her from my phone plan so I have no access to records any longer. I need to have the discussion about no contact w/OM. I'm not sure how that will fully happen since he is her manager at work.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What Greek said. ^

This is THE #1 place where people blow it, FFH, after months (and sometimes YEARS) of all of the hard DB work. DON'T SCREW IT UP NOW.

You need to tell her that YOU do not feel safe in the marriage with her friendship with OM, and that she needs to end all contact with him and agree to full transparency -- "just friends" or no. If she fights you on this, conversation's over. Do NOT get into a debate or an argument with her about the degree to which he was a "friend" or an "OM" or whatever; in fact, ASSUME he is just a friend, but that your wife has up until this point decided to put her friendship with someone else ahead of her marriage and her husband's needs (and she has). If she can't put your needs and fears FIRST, then you don't want to remain married to her.

Calm, polite, and full of "Hey, I COMPLETELY understand if you don't want to do this, but you asked me what it would take, and these are it." NOW is the time to present your short-list of "dealbreakers," your Boundaries of Personal Integrity. They might be:

1. Send no-contact letter to OM, the copy of which is to be approved by YOU and it's to be MAILED/DELIVERED by you (so that she adds or subtracts nothing from the approved copy).

2. Full transparency. She changes her cellphone # and e-mail address(es), and you have access to the detailed billing of the new ones. She keeps her cellphone unlocked, and you can look at it any time you want to. She lets you know her daily schedule for a period of time, and calls you periodically to let you know she's on her way home, or going out with friends, etc.

3. Marriage counseling, or perhaps a Retrouvaille weekend?

4. ??? For me, it was "a full-panel STD test, with the results to come to ME," but my wife had had a full-blown PA. This may be something else for you.

5. ??? For me, it was that she had to quit her job, because OM worked there, and they'd come into daily contact.

I wouldn't do any more than 4-5 of these, or they'll come across as an impossible-to-achieve list of demands. They should just be those few, core Boundaries of Personal Integrity for you -- what YOU need "in order to feel safe in the marriage again considering the recent events."

FFH, I can't emphasize this enough: do NOT debate the list with her, and do NOT compromise on it. It's 100% "all-in" or it's nothing at all. Screw this up now, and you'll regret it forever.

Puppy

P.S. For the record, I don't think she's sincere. As you state yourself, I just think she's afraid. She's not liking the fit of the Big-Girl Panties.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I still have the keylogger but I removed her from my phone plan so I have no access to records any longer. I need to have the discussion about no contact w/OM. I'm not sure how that will fully happen since he is her manager at work.

She will need to go BACK on your plan, with detailed billing coming to YOU.

She will need to quit her job, or ask for a transfer to another location where she won't be in daily contact with him.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And don't take that key logger off. You need to trust but verify. You need to be sure this whole Save The Marriage deal didn't come on b/c the OM was cooling off on her.

BINGO. Make sure that at least ONE element of your transparency plan is NOT known to her (if she knows about the keylogger, this will need to be something else, but if she doesn't, the keylogger is the ideal element).

[Fightingforher]

So I'm going to send this email to her. Please let me know if this is the conversation i should be having.


Email sending to W:
I don’t feel safe in this marriage while you have this relationship with your manager. If we are going to truly work on this marriage all contact needs to stop between you two. I’d prefer that you transfer to a different team so there are no reasons to communicate with him. If I’m asking too much then please let me know and I’ll have my answer, but this is what I need to continue anything.

I’m taking the steps to work on my issues and my mismanaged emotions. I’d like to know what your intentions are to salvage this marriage.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do have some problems with the wording, but I think the whole thing is TOO SOON.

Let her be today. For today, your response is "I'm not sure HOW I feel about what you told me last night. I have a lot to think about."

PUppy

[Greek]

So I'm going to send this email to her. Please let me know if this is the conversation i should be having.


Email sending to W:
I don’t feel safe in this marriage while you have this relationship with your manager. If we are going to truly work on this marriage all contact needs to stop between you two. I’d prefer that you transfer to a different team so there are no reasons to communicate with him. If I’m asking too much then please let me know and I’ll have my answer, but this is what I need to continue anything.

I’m taking the steps to work on my issues and my mismanaged emotions. I’d like to know what your intentions are to salvage this marriage.

Wait on this. It says the right things, but you are rushing into the space. You are putting your position out there without really hearing from her exactly WHAT she means by the text she sent last night and what it means to her. So, sit on your hands for just a bit today.

Also, I think the things you state in your email need to be said to her. She needs the weight of your voice, your posture, your eye contact, your confidence to clearly understand that you are not kidding - you mean what you say.

Have you heard from her today? You will. Wait for it.
Greek

[Fightingforher]

Haven't heard from her today. I will hold off on the conversation, and your right I should do this in person. I'll give it a couple days and see what happens.

Thanks again