I lied! I told H i brought the papers to family court since he wouldnt pick them up. He kept saying if that is your priority... you should be worrying about your son, not a D.
I told him i did it for closure! I needed to let go and detach.
Now one of two things: -H is calling my Bluff! He knows I would never... -H is happy I did it.
If I say to H I am detaching and creating boundaries and truly letting go he gets all flustered and upset!
He said today, I told you there was an ounce of me that thought the papers were a mistake and that things could be different between us. I asked is there an ounce of you that thinks you would ever want to work things out... he said yes. just not right now!
So I said a couple of things: -maybe you are right and we are not meant to be -maybe a divorce is what we need to move on w/ our lives -maybe you are right and instead of working on US, we should see other people -i deserve someone to love me completely -i think we should both start dating other people -I deserve to be in a happy relationship -son deserves a step dad to wake up and put him to bed every night (H wants to stay here when S is born) -We were never meant to be
I also said that I think you never loved me the way a man should love a woman. I think you thought you loved me and you loved our life togetehr as friends, my family, our friends, our goals and dreams, and so on... but he wasnt in love withme. And I think he knew for a while he didnt truly love me and bottled it up and tried to deny the feeling. I think he wanted to get me pregnant thinking it would make him love me or want to stay and possible could make him fall in love with me. And yet when we announced we were pregnant he told his best friend he was leaving me. He had ants in his pants and couldnt stay still. He just had to leave! I still think he had an EA b/c why would he twitch to leave so quickly! I think he realized even a baby couldnt make him want to be with me so he left.
His answer... you know all the answers. You should write a book on love, you think you know everything! You have it all figured out!
But he doesnt say otherwise! He swears he loved me. just not anymore? I DONT BUY IT!
So now he is angry and sad and upset with me... please! DRAMA QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he finished painting the room today. and will be at the house friday to wait for the furniture to come and tomorrow to build the wardrobe in the baby's room.
I told him i need a husband not a mr. fix it!
By the way... Husband is not a hand man... dont know where all this is coming from!
I do know he loves spending time with me... loves to just talk abnd hang out and be friends...
BUT ITS NOT FAIR TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't get this-- he thinks yes you could work things out "but not NOW?" ????? WHY NOT????? wtf does he say? Sorry I am a little buzzed- S is at stbxh's and I am about to work out. But I know enough that something is fishy about your H saying he doesn't want to be with you right now. But would in the future.
Has Gatsby or Piano's H said this to them? My stbxh never said it to me....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
According to some research on the internet, in the state I live in, if I dont sign and send back the letter of acceptance of service with the D papers, the state can proceed without me. So for all I know, I could be divorced before I have my H's baby.
Has Gatsby or Piano's H said this to them? My stbxh never said it to me....
No, mine "never wants to live with me again" and is completely sure of it.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
If he loves spending time with you, why don't you stop spending time with him and see what happens?
Um, he might start missing you...
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I lied! I told H i brought the papers to family court since he wouldnt pick them up. He kept saying if that is your priority... you should be worrying about your son, not a D.
This really gets my nickers in a knot! Yeah, if only he hadn't walked out on you while you were pregnant you could do just that! F*** that's screwed up! and pretty much exactly what my WH said for months. It's called stalling for time and not rocking the boat you while you are still pregnant.
I feel a lot of hope for your sitch BD, but think you best prepare yourself for the worst. My WH got rather more possessive about the child - and cared a lot less about me - post birth. i.e. once the baby is out, it's a whole new ballgame.
Sorry to sound so dark, BD. Just been there...
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I told him i did it for closure! I needed to let go and detach...If I say to H I am detaching and creating boundaries and truly letting go he gets all flustered and upset!
Tempting to use DBing language with a WAS. I sure have. Maybe next time use language that shows you are moving on. Even if you are acting "as if".
Something like: "H, I respect and love myself too much to stay in a loveless marriage. I want a divorce because I want someone who cares for me and treats me right, and is a good role model for our son - that is, someone who knows to hang around and do the work when things get rough."
Don't tell him you are setting boundaries. Just enforce them. So instead of telling him you are reducing contact with him as a way of boundary-setting, just say "H, I am heavily pregnant & am rather busy right now with that. Hope you understand I need my space"...or whatever... Then enforce it. And be consistent.
His answer... you know all the answers. You should write a book on love, you think you know everything! You have it all figured out!
Okay this is useful. Your WH is letting you know that all your words are just rolling off him. In one ear and out the other!, as they say.
My feeling, again, is pull away from him and stop speaking and using words. Man, I've been there so please don't mind the 2x4. Words don't work! Especially lots of them.
Do what works. Avoid words (although occassional 'truth darts' might be useful) and make him FEEL what it's going to be like as a divorced dad.
And my suggestion quick smart would be to let him know (on email so you control yourself, and a very short email at that) that you won't be needing him to stay with you post the birth at your house. I'm sorry BD, I know it's your sitch and all and you have to make the decision yourself, but I really don't think you should let him do that. You are going to be SO emotional 40 days past the birth (and beyond), you do not need his drama in your face 24hrs a day. And what are you going to do if he picks up and leaves 2 or 4 weeks into it?? Like NM's husband? You'll be devastated all over again. You do not need that when you have a newborn in your arms.
Healthy boundaries are there to protect you and your wellbeing & therefore that of your baby.
I am going to be honest with you. I don't think your H is going to come back because you let him stay with you. He will come back - IF he comes back - when he realises what he is about to miss out on.
The only way to let him know that is via feeling it.
Which means... make him miss you and the baby. Just my 2 bobs worth!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
F*** that's screwed up! and pretty much exactly what my WH said for months. It's called stalling for time and not rocking the boat you while you are still pregnant.