Well the last week has been strange. The aftermath of the visit from the ILs is that there has been a bit of a shift. H has been a bit more relaxed around me and hanging around the house more. I did have some heart to hearts with MIL -- partly so that she would "get" that her hope for reconciliation is unlikely to be fulfilled. My guess is that he told her that I have accepted the divorce and that he is feeling relieved as a result. I wish I could believe that it is a "sign" of "progress" towards reconciliation...but I don't believe that.
I did take a risk of trying to hug him on Father's Day, cause IMO that's what you do. But it was very awkward as his body language said "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". I told myself that it was no big deal and that I wasnn't expecting anything else. But that night I had several bad dreams that left me with a hangover the next day. I realized that I am not ready to make myself vulnerable around H, even if I have come a long way towards acceptance.
Last Friday night was very fun GAL. Dressed up and went to Smart Sister's 40th birthday party with great world dance music in an authentic time capsule tiki lounge. Danced like mad and had a great time. Also pulled off being a supportive sister and that felt good too.
Today I had a first session on the phone with a facilitator who does Byron Katie's "The Work". We worked on the thought: "I am worried that divorce will scar my children for life". That took about an hour . I cried a lot, and made a little progress on enquiring into that thought and not being so attached to it. She was optimistic that The Work could be helpful for my procrastination issues too, and I'd like to try working with her for a while as I haven't been in IC lately.
I have been thinking a lot about why it was OK with me to be married to someone who wasn't there for me emotionally, and often practically. I realize that I went into marriage with my eyes wide open about the lack of emotional presence from H because I didn't want to be dependent on him, or have expectations that would be disappointed.
Last edited by flowmom; 06/23/1005:23 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. I cried a lot, and made a little progress on enquiring into that thought and not being so attached to it. She was optimistic that The Work could be helpful for my procrastination issues too, and I'd like to try working with her for a while as I haven't been in IC lately.
