I had a good long drive home today. When I finally walked through the door at 9, I felt so calm and as "strong as 10 bears" (a cousin's favorite saying). The house was quiet. D was bathed and in jammies. So was W. They were watching a DVD in bed.
D heard me and came to tell me all about here day. I concentrated solely on her. Then I took her up to bed. W came in and lied down beside her and started to talk. I asked her about her day. What was the highlight? (These are new things I have added to my 180's- if she is interactive, I ask about her day and the "best part")
She asked me about a lump on her neck. It was one of her famous knots. So I worked it for a while like I used to. And we chatted quietly about normal everyday things. No tension. She even looked me directly in the eyes a few times. Her phone buzzed a 4 or 5 times and she didn't move. Even went to the bathroom without it.
Anyway, after 45 min or so, I told D it was bedtime. Gave her a hug and walked to the door. W said "Thanks for that. I think you even cleared my sinuses."
So here I sit. And in taking what I know about DB'ing so far, I have a new approach and I'd like a critique.
(yes, I will verify her actions and if there is an A)
If she is interactive and 'her old self', I have decided I will ask about her day. I will show her the man I was and am again now (or working really hard toward it). I will be the adult and the strong leader. And,I will try to touch her just once. Simple. Just human touch.
If she is not behaving as normal or counter to the direction I intend our family to travel, she will see none of it. I will find something else to do. I will also be diligent of boundaries of time; and when she is here she must be "here". Texting and FB can be done when we aren't interacting with each other or D.
So although she has dropped the bomb, it is not a licence to have an open marriage; nor be unaccountable; or rude. These will be the rules if we are together or apart. I am going to set up life for D and I with structure. It's safe and predictable.
Home is for family. Single, selfish behaviour will not be tolerated or ignored.
But I will keep my strength and keep GAL'ing and getting myself centered on who I want to be.
If she likes what she sees when she is "open', then great. If not, I'll tell her she needs to make a decision because I won't do it for her.
If W begins to feel the "family feel", great. If not, fine too. Sad but fine. But I will lead and she must make the choice to follow "US" or go it alone.
I feel really good right now. A calm strength I barely recognize but I like it.
