Just found out she already filed

[Gardener]

Romeo,

I might run it by your L first...

Definitely this, too. Before you make a move or write a word to her. As a matter of fact, maybe the whole topic should be handled L to L.

[ImprovedRomeo]

So I called the place to get a breakdown on the costs. Their Academic portion is $960/mo and the full day schedule is $1030 so that's only $70 for the 'after school care'. If she can pay $960/mo why would she care for $70/mo to decide which school to go with.

I have sent an email to the lawyer...it's always a waiting game with them.

I'm tempted to clarify the $70/mo thing with her, maybe she's thinking (or wants me to think) that there's a bigger cost for the after school care.

Geez, with what I pay her she could send two kids to the private school. So maybe I should reiterate that she can send DD to the private school since she can afford to. However, I don't think it'll be sustainable in the long term if for example I lose my job or the court (hopefully) lowers the amount I pay her each month.

As for the Ls handling this I think I may have to go that route but I was hoping DD related things we could mutually decide and agree upon but lately she's all about the money.

[ImprovedRomeo]

My draft response (emotionally charged warning):

"You @$#! FFFFF you %#$!$- go to @#$#"

Since wii stopped coming over as much someone's got to keep things light around here...

OK seriously:


The academic portion of the cost at priv school (PrS) is $960/mo - with the after school cost the total becomes $1030. So you are asking me to pay the $70/mo for the after school cost? and that's all that's standing between her going to PrS vs. PB school?

Then yes, if you will pay for the tuition at least until the end of 5th grade I will pay the $70/mo for the afterschool cost- but it needs to be in an un-modifyable court settlement.

So here are the options are:

1. PrS: I pay $70/mo you pay the rest, this is not modifiable until the end of 5th grade
2. PB school near me: You don't want her to go there
3. PB school near you: Doesn't work for me
4. second PB school near me: I'm open to this pending visit and final decision on my part

In return I expect the alimony and child support payments be renegotiated and lowered by 1/2 effective immediately and permanently.

Or as you said we can let the courts decide...just a word of advice here- careful what you wish for.

[bluestar]

I like the first part! but seriously, don't send any of it. Wait for your L's response. You don't really know what she's asking for and trust me, it's more...much more. Don't give her any ideas to twist into making you pay more money.

By the way, a few posts ago, you mentioned something about not calling to talk to S for awhile. I think that's a bad idea. She can use that to show that you don't care about time with him. I hope you are documenting your visits and calls. The last thing you want to do right before a hearing is have less contact. That will backfire on you.

[bluestar]

SR, ignore that second part of my post. I can't figure out how to edit it out. I read something else right before I posted to you. Sorry.

[whatisis]

Since wii stopped coming over as much someone's got to keep things light around here...

OK seriously:

Hey, I've got a life besides the DB board, you know!
OK seriously, I've got the kids this week which means my computer time is down to nill. Scrap the "I've got a life" thing.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks Blue, problem is I talked to the L and it didn't help answer my questions. I asked her another specific question and she'll get back to me.

Can I just lose my cool for once? pleaseeee? can I just tell her how much of a loser she is now that I see her true colors? When do I get to say it?

I was just looking at her last email and I noticed one of the paragraphs has a slightly different color of the text, very subtle but it's different. Which tells me that she's got someone helping her craft these emails (it was a cut and paste job)- but she emails back within 20-30mins. Of course, she's surrounded by several divorced women friends lately whom (according to STBXW) all screwed their H's on the child support.

So...can I just say something?

[smith18]

I think you should drop the going back and forth about the school issue. It is getting you pissed off and I am sure it is doing the same to her. I tried similar negotiations with my wife and it got me nowhere. The L's are separated from the emotional aspect and can provide a buffer between the two of you. If both L's are not sharks, there is no way this is going to court - they will be able to haggle back and forth to reach a settlement you both are equally unhappy with.

It does not work to practice some of Sun Tzu's Art of War to try and piss her off so she would make rash decisions. Highly charged emotions is the last thing you want during the tricky negotiations involved in a divorce. There are so many other details besides your D's school to iron out. Life insurance. College. Health coverage. Tax deductions/credits. Division of assets/debts including retirement. Permanent support. Parenting plan.

It is probably best not to discuss too many details of the D with your wife. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Things will get better.

[Gardener]

Romeo,

I think you should drop the going back and forth about the school issue. It is getting you pissed off and I am sure it is doing the same to her. I tried similar negotiations with my wife and it got me nowhere. The L's are separated from the emotional aspect and can provide a buffer between the two of you. If both L's are not sharks, there is no way this is going to court - they will be able to haggle back and forth to reach a settlement you both are equally unhappy with.
It does not work to practice some of Sun Tzu's Art of War to try and piss her off so she would make rash decisions. Highly charged emotions is the last thing you want during the tricky negotiations involved in a divorce. There are so many other details besides your D's school to iron out. Life insurance. College. Health coverage. Tax deductions/credits. Division of assets/debts including retirement. Permanent support. Parenting plan.

It is probably best not to discuss too many details of the D with your wife. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Things will get better.

^^^THIS^^^.
All of it.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Couldn't really sleep last night. Various senarios running through my mind and the things I want to say to STBXW.

"You want to talk about fairness now when it suits your agenda? You still don't get it! It's not about me getting back at you about the support these are one of many consequences of your actions. Actions you took to destroy my family for your own selfish reasons like the last time. I'm sure one day you'll be proud to explain yourself to DD. You want to talk about fairness now after your scumbag lawyer and you took me to the cleaners and here you are begging and threatening me to get your way without any regard for my financial situation? I'm having to skip meals and live on bean burritos and you want DD to go to the private school on my dime? the money I'm handing over to you every month? On top of that you want me to chip in more? does that sound fair to you? You want to talk about fairness then start with yourself! Let's renegotiate the monthly payments first. If you want to send her to the private school so you can calm your guilty conscience as if to make it up to her for all the other devastation then I'll give you permission but I won't want no part in it. You want to go to court GLADLY!! let's go!"

I'm so tempted to send this to her, I feel she needs to know this she's still in her own lala land! Will it make a difference other than making me feel better? i don't know...but something tells me I need to fight back.

Kerry, thank you for the nice thoughtful note. I know you're right but even going through the lawyers I need to negotiate...they simply become the middle-man. I still have to tell them what I want and quite honestly I'm split about it. I would prefer DD to go to the private school for at least the first couple of years so she's a little bit older and wiser- the private school is gated unlike the public schools. At the same time I need my payments reduced and I don't want one to impact the other for the final judgement.

Yesterday my lawyer said that if I can keep the communication lines open with STBXW then it's better even if I feel like I"m spinning my wheels. The more we can negotiate ourselves the better it is for both of us. She said worse case I lose some of my own time and not rack up the attorney fees.