OK - so I really did screw up. H is in control now because I confessed that I left him a message on the phone chat line and I felt bad and shouldn't have done it. Now - as crazy as it sounds - he has the upper hand because I admitted doing something I shouldn't have done.
I have to agree with Trapt. This stood out to me as well. Your H has no control here. You do. Control over your own behavior.
While I was amused at what you did, I was disturbed that you confessed to it. You could have simply let him respond if he was going to and never even listened to the response. It would have been over and done with.
Instead, you gave him ammo to use against you.
Right now, that is one of the last things you want to do. He has enough spinning around in his head to make you the devil for a very long time. So why add fuel to the fire?
Originally Posted By: Irishblessings
I call H tonight to let him know that he is "losing" S - not good interactions.
This is never going to work. Trust me.
I tried this early on, seriously not concerned for me at all, just for S, and it opened up a boatload of spew that I won’t even bother to repeat.
Believe me, they know they are making a mess of things, but they CAN’T stop themselves.
This behavior, is YOU trying to CONTROL the situation.
I understand that you are worried about your S. Boys at this age, remember my S is a similar age, really do need a positive male role model. Wouldn’t it be nice if it could be their fathers?
Right now, it just can’t.
As your H works through this, it is very possible that he could come around to being a better dad, but for right now, you have to just be the best MOM/DAD you can to your S.
All you control is YOU and your R with your child. The example YOU set for him and your Ds (although they are older) will carry them through this.
Originally Posted By: Irishblessings
In fact - I actually say " I am clear on that "Joe" (fake name used on phone chat line) - "43 years old" –
This was very very bad.
For a few reasons.
First, you were just saying it to hurt him.
Why would you want to hurt someone that you love?
I know you are hurt and angry, but the less you stoop to his level, the better.
Second, you caught him in a LIE. While it might not have been a lie to you, it was a lie.
You CAN’T do that with a MLCer without opening yourself up to a firing squad. Because we all know that they NEVER lie. They are ALWAYS to be trusted and believed. (Ok we know they really aren’t but in their minds…)
Right now, you don’t validate. That is not where this is at. I mean, you can tell him that you understand that he feels the way that he feels about your M, but beyond that, nothing. Do not validate his behaviors. Don’t argue with him about them either.
Irish,
The guys are right and they are trying. Please listen to them.
I know it is hard to deal with what you are dealing with. I know how each and every one of my H’s flings affected me and I honestly can’t even begin to fathom the anger you must feel inside at your H’s actions.
That is what you should be working on right now. Not trying to save your M. You MUST save yourself first. I know that is not what you want to hear.
I can only assume, by trying to put myself in your shoes, that you really are heartbroken, for yourself, your H, and your children. Humiliated, hurt, angry, angry, and more angry. Like a failure in most aspects of your life.
Your H, has had multiple affairs with strangers, prostitutes. He has seen a counselor, IMO, to justify his behavior for now. He has been labeled an addict. But he continues to pursue these rendevouz. Which means he was just looking for the permission that he needed to keep it up. Addicts quit cold turkey when they are ready to quit. It is the only way that works, no matter what the addictions.
So how does this really make you feel, as a woman?
He is leaving and avoiding your children, he says because of you (which is not the truth), but how does that make you feel as a mother?
I am not trying to berate you here or make you feel worse.
Sweetie, these are things you have to deal with and you have to face.
YOUR feelings. Not just the sadness at what is going on in your M, but everything else. You can’t wait until you are either reconciled or D to do it.
You CAN’T.
It is time to begin your healing. YOUR journey. If that means going dark, which means only have contact in emergency situations, about really important stuff about the house or kids, then so be it.
That includes no snooping, no listening to messages that only hurt you anyway, no throwing things in his face, no wondering where he is, etc…
And it means, start really trying to understand what you are dealing with. Learn about sexual addictions, learn about MLC, learn about depression. Take your own spiritual journey, learn about meditation, angels, karma, unconditional love, forgivness, etc…
Take steps to improve YOUR life. Get a haircut, take up a hobby that you always wanted to try, read some books, learn a new language, anything that will get YOU moving. Some of these things you can do with your S if he would be willing. I know it is hard to think about that right now but you have to force yourself at the beginning to take these steps. If you get yourself busy doing things for you and your child, you will find you have less time to worry about H because you will be so busy.
You can do this. You HAVE to do this. For yourself, your children, and any future R you may have (with or without your H).
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I feel like I am talking to the wind here - but it helps anyway! I call H tonight to let him know that he is "losing" S - not good interactions. H says that he knows but that "he does not want to be with me!!!!!!!!" I said - I am clear on that. In fact - I actually say " I am clear on that "Joe" (fake name used on phone chat line) - "43 years old" - To which H says "I am hanging up" which he does! OK - so friends help me - do you validate an MLCs "reality"? I realize that he is pissed right now - and that I need to completely go dark - but do I need to explain that to my 16 year old S = so that he understands? I am never going to get through this!!!!!!!
Wow....
The only opportunity you actually missed there, was to shove some Bamboo under his fingernails.
I could get all 2x4ish with you here, I'm just not sure that is what you need right now.
Let's start with....
How do YOU feel about what happened ?
How could YOU have handled that better/differently ?
How much of that was the old YOU, that YOU want to change ?
How would YOU feel if that was reversed ?
Irish....Look...
Your husband knows that something about what what he is doing isn't right..
A dog knows when it craps in the corner, that it isn't right.
Rubbing their nose in it only lasts for so long before the repercussions will start....
Trapt, TG, Cat and Mach - THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU for calling me out on all of this! I do know better and everything that you all shared was right on the money! I have never felt this level of hurt and fear before and I know that I let myself down by becoming something that I am really not. I feel like I've lost any redeeming character traits that I may have had. Cat - you are particularly correct in the fact that I have been avoiding dealing with the anger and disillusionment I feel as a result of his actions. I try to normalize it in order to survive or prove my resilience. I do this for fear of losing everything that means the most to me - my H and my family. So now I'm back to square -10 and unfortunately I did it to myself. I am trying to figure out how to "go dark" when we must see each other at S's activities. Do I share with S that I need to stay away for a while in order to give us (H and me) some healing space? Is that punishing my S? If you can tolerate my stupidity a bit more:) - I would value your help! Today is day 10 of the separation and I'm failing miserably!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I am trying to figure out how to "go dark" when we must see each other at S's activities. Do I share with S that I need to stay away for a while in order to give us (H and me) some healing space?
I promise I am absolutely listening to ALL of you - and so, so grateful. I feel completely alone and I am struggling so much to try and put my "game face" on to get through work or to be strong for my kids. I feel like I am a foreign land! I will sit in some restaurant or park and all I see are married couples! It breaks my heart!!! I HATE that this is now my life!! I have lost my best friend - the person who I have done EVERYTHING with for 28+ years. I know everything that has been said to me on this board is true - but I have become this person who feels unless I am doing for my family then I am being self indulgent. I have worked so hard my whole life to avoid becoming like my parents and I find myself living in the exact same horrific dysfunction they created! OK - enough whining! Mach is right about me needing to answer the questions he presented - so here goes: How do YOU feel about what happened ? - I feel like sh_t! I have always been a "turn the other cheek" kind of person and doing this made me into something I have never wanted to be - vengeful and lacking compassion.
How could YOU have handled that better/differently ? - I should have sought first to understand - why would he be claiming to be younger, thinner, etc. - he is in pain from his own lack of self esteem.
How much of that was the old YOU, that YOU want to change ? - I don't want to be REACTIVE, especially not OVER REACTIVE! I want to be thoughtful, in control of my own reactions. I want to be better than I am.
I am scared - scared of failing / failing everyone, failing my husband, failing my kids.
I know I need to follow Cat's guidance - I can't waste another day avoiding it.
Thanks all for the tough love!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I should have sought first to understand - why would he be claiming to be younger, thinner, etc. - he is in pain from his own lack of self esteem.
Yes, he is in pain and if you can show him compassion, that's great. You may not be able to yet. If not, pretend. One of the difficulties in "understanding" them esp early on, is that you hang on every word and go over and over it in your head looking for something, anything you can interpret in your favor.
I would also say that you need to understand you. If you journal at all, that might be helpful.
Quote:
I don't want to be REACTIVE, especially not OVER REACTIVE! I want to be thoughtful, in control of my own reactions.
The only way to get here is practice. If you can have something you say to yourself (in your head if he's around) that has you close your mouth about something you don't want to react to, use it. My was simple..."shut up, shut up, shut up". Now, if something comes up, I can listen and while a mushroom shaped cloud maybe going off in my head, I can usually come back with "I need to think about that, I'll get back to you".
Quote:
I am scared - scared of failing / failing everyone, failing my husband, failing my kids.
I remeber a phone call I made to an old friend one night (in an absolute panic) about failure. Her comment was that I couldn't fail anyone, not if I gave the best of myself in that moment. That doesn't mean that that "best" can't be improved upon, but in order to do that you have to really pay attention to what you're doing, feeling and why. That has allowed me to really focus on my interactions with everybody and I have to say I am quite proud of the changes I have made.
You can do this. I can hear the strength even through the pain.
OK - so tomorrow I start over and go dark. Interesting thing happened - H calls to make plans for S and him to do something tomorrow. I take the opportunity to apologize to him for mishandling myself. He then says - "I'm just trying to move on - trying to move forward - whatever that looks like. I know it's not easy on anyone and I apologize for that." I offered to him that if he wanted to set up a schedule of when he wanted to be with our S and that I would make sure I was out of the way to allow him some private time. He said "ok I'll think about that." He is still struggling to find housing and is spending more money than he wants to. I told him that S and I would be out of town Sunday through Thursday and that he could stay at the house and he said that he appreciated that and would let me know. He asked if we could be amicable now - and I said that I had a lot of work to do but that I wanted that. So what do I think about this conversation - given my "new" perspective. First of all, he called and spent 27 minutes talking to me on the day after I basically humiliated him. If the new me is trying to be more sensitive to his pain - then I would say that maybe him calling and talking to me indicates that maybe he needed someone to talk to. So I believe this is now the perfect time for me to go dark. I have to take this painful journey to see what is left of me. Cat - your guidance has been so incredibly on target / it's now time for me to soul search. Will keep you updated on the journey! Thanks to all for helping me through this most painful time!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I know everything that has been said to me on this board is true - but I have become this person who feels unless I am doing for my family then I am being self indulgent.
Irish, I am the self proclaimed BUT police. If you see my posts.
Only because I am the biggest offender (I'm getting better).
It is to me the biggest indicator that you are avoiding something you need to focus on.
Read that ^^^^^^
You have become someone you don't want to be?
Is this who you are? Or who you've become because of coping with difficulties in your M?
It is ok to be angry.
It is NOT ok to blame someone or accept that someone's actions have a reflection on YOU.
Part of our journey here is to look in the mirror.
THAT is the hardest part of our journey WHEN we get there.
When you look in the mirror today you see someone hurt by their spouse, someone in pain, someone angry, someone sad.
BUT that
Is not who you are really. Is it?
The easy road here is to go down the one that says
"H Cheated on Me so I can leave and blame him exit 24b 2 miles"
About 5 miles down that road you'll see a sign post...
"Bitterville 15 miles."
It's going take you a while to get to Bitterville you know why?
Because there is a lot of f-ing traffic on this road.
There is another road. A tougher road. One that is worth it. One that at the end you find...
YOU.
That is why we say focus on YOU. YOU are the only one YOU can control.
Do for YOU now. What is best for YOU....
IS is best for your family.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
