Allen - I'm so glad you brought up the do/don't list. It was harder to complete than I expected. I've been stewing on it for several days and I've finally hit what I think is a good starting place (and of course I've got an 8 hour drive tomorrow to stew some more) . . .
I tried to write the list right off the bat, but found it paralyzing. So, I started with some "givens," or things to consider when writing the do/don't list. Here they are:
Given: H thinks I'm a negative person (can't remember if I went into this here but I took a new job this year that was AWFUL - daily turmoil - and I didn't manage my emotions related to it well).
Given: I have a hard time acting rationally when: a) I feel lonely because my daughter is gone and I have no one else; 2) My H rejects me (even if it's indirect rejection); 3) I am imagining what my H is doing with OW.
Given: H thinks I'm controlling.
Given: There is a need to stop the negative interaction cycle between my H and myself (he acts poorly so I react poorly and then he again acts poorly . . . ). My counselor/coach suggested trying to get to some "side by side" activity centered around my daughter where we can interact positively. At the same time, I need to protect myself from additional hurt.
So, given those details, here is my do/don't list:
Do: 1. Let H know I'm willing to listen to what he has to say, but that he needs to write it in email. I'm working out the wording of this but I think it will go something like "I'm very hurt right now so I'm sure you can understand emotions are running high. I think our conversation would be most productive if we emailed it to each other and took the heat off of the conversation." [Other suggested wording is appreciated, anyone!]
2. Lots of Self-Care/GALing: excercise daily, meet up w/ work friends on weekend, shop, go to movies by myself if necessary. I am working on calendaring out things to do the whole time I'm back home because the down time is when I usually go off the deep end and don't behave in the way I want to behave.
3. Be pleasant and cordial to H. I need to be considerate of his needs while not going overboard. I won't wait on him or make him special meals, but I won't be outright rude or cold.
DON'T: 1. Initiate any R conversation with H.
2. Don't try to control what he does with daughter. [After much thought I don't think he'll take her anywhere near OW. If he is still seeing her, he is currently covering his tracks really well - don't think he'd blow it by taking our daughter to her. That would really complicate things with his parents, even if he doesn't care about complications with me.]
3. Allow him as much access to daughter as he wants. I want to be able to claim that I was reasonable and accomodating if we end up in a custody hearing. I also think time with her has the potential to soften him, especially after he didn't see her for 10 days. Time with her will also take away time from OW, which has the potential to make OW jealous and complicate their relationship. I also want to be able to take her away for the 4th of July weekend as our wedding anniversary will occur over that weekend and I don't want to be home at that time (for my own mental sanity).
4. Don't say anything cynical or sarcastic about the A. On a related note, don't engage in bitter or resentful behavior.
That does it - feedback and suggestions are welcomed!
