I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Good ol' livestrong. I searched for "accepting divorce" and one link was just so "harsh!" It was from about.com and said something like "the divorce is a reality. deal with it! the sooner you face it and accept it, the sooner you will heal." lol!

Then I found 5 stages of grief. Yet it didn't quite do it for me. Well. "steps to accepting divorce" yielded the article from livestrong.com. I found it interesting that guilt a step and yesterday I posted how I recognized the things I did wrong.

I do appreciate the fact that we are "allowed" to spend as much time as we need going through this process and that others can't talk us into or force us to get through it faster. Luckily for me, I know I don't want to stay suspended in grief but do want to give myself permission to stay in each stage (they say they are not consecutive) for as long as I need.

Now another thing I feel guilty about is the fact that I was not with my stbxh for very long--how dare I suffer so much when others have been married 10-20+ years and endured a divorce?!

It kind of think that my order was: (from 3/10*-5/10)
*my stbxh initially said he made a decision to divorce on 3/26 but expressed doubt; a few days later I told him that I could see his mind wasn't made up and tried to sell him on reconciliation while also telling him that if he decided to D, I would move on. But on 4/28 it still shocked me when he said he wanted to.

bargaining, hope/denial, anger, shock, depression, anger, hope/denial, shock, guilt

the next huge hurdle is acceptance. I would like to take a break and experience "white noise" or "nothingness" or "numb" before I deal with acceptance.

Tonight after I dropped off S, I went and sat at the bar at a local pub, ordered a yummy microbrew (2) and some pizza. I purposely did not bring anything to distract me. I counted glasses, eavesdropped on conversations, and tried to think of anything else but my impending divorce. When my pizza arrived, the older gent next to me struck up a conversation. At the end he said "nice talking to you!" and it just felt good.

I used to do the same thing once a week before I was married, but worked on a crossword.