The Seven Stages of Grief for Divorce Many sudden and unwanted changes in life can cause grief. A divorce can be sudden or the result of a longer procession of feelings during a marriage in which some or all of the stages of grief are experienced before the divorce. In either case, experience with the seven stages of grief can aid in coping with the more hurtful aspects of a divorce.
Shock or Disbelief The initial realization that a marriage is or might be beyond any hope of saving will affect individual members of a family differently. Some may be emotionally stunned, unable to form or express strong feelings about the divorce or any other aspects of their life. Others may refuse to believe it, insisting instead that the process of divorce is simply a prolonged dispute. This stage may be brief, or may last several weeks, according to the Launching New Lives website.
Denial Following disbelief, a family member may actively deny or literally forget that the divorce is taking place. According to Anger Management Resources, this is an unconscious attempt by the mind to protect an individual from the pain of loss. A spouse may make new, repeated attempts at romancing their partner in an unconscious attempt to prove that the threat of divorce is not serious. Children may observe brief moments of amicability as signs that the divorce was never real. Some may even tune out unhealthy behavior, focusing only on the relationship's positive aspects as signs that divorce is not a serious consideration.
Anger Any member of a family that is affected by divorce may feel personally affronted and blame others. Anger is a common response when faced with significant decisions in which a person has little or no perceived input and will have a potentially negative effect. These circumstances often generate feelings of helplessness, which can fuel an individual's anger.
Bargaining An individual will attempt to make a deal to change the situation. In general situations involving grief, this stage often involves a bargain with God. Bargaining is not a prevalent stage in all occurrences of grief, but is listed on Stages-of-Grief-Recovery.com as a common stage in divorce. While divorce-related grief can involve an appeal to a higher power, bargaining is often prevalent in promises by one spouse to change the behavior and habits, or by children changing their behavior in hopes that the parents will reward them by staying together.
Guilt The Springboard Group lists guilt on the Launching New Lives website as a feeling that one did not do enough to prevent a loss. During this stage, affected individuals begin to examine ways in which the divorce is directly attributable to their actions. Children may blame stress caused by their behavior or performance at school. A spouse may recall ways in which they could have made their partner happier, avoided arguments or made greater contributions to the marriage and the family. Stages-of-Grief-Recovery.com notes that this stage is often accompanied by the unattainable wish to turn back the clock and do things differently, fueled by the griever's sense of regret and self-blame.
Depression The state of chronic, debilitating sadness is a common and natural reaction to loss. This stage of grief can manifest most notably in teenagers affected by their parents' divorce, as the physical and hormonal changes they experience during puberty leave them more susceptible to depression than adults. Depression can also manifest as a constant state of reflection on times when the marriage was happier and divorce was not imminent, according to the Springboard Group.
Acceptance and Hope Coming to terms with the reality of a divorce will bring the affected family members to a realization that their lives have been changed in significant, unalterable ways and that things will never be the same again, but that life will go on and they have hope of finding happiness in other ways.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
