I had a convo with my counselor today about overcoming fear. I have been scared to talk to Gabe about next steps and what direction we are heading in. The time for fear is over and one thing she brought up sealed it for me. She said that we need to come to an understanding of what we each expect and what we want out of the convoluted R not only so that I stop being in such a state of limbo, not knowing what my status is in his eyes but mostly because of Marc and his expectations of having his family back. SCCRRRREEEECCCHHHH!!!!
Now, logically, I know that Marc probably does view this as 'happy family' time even though I told him it's all temporary and doesn't mean anything. I just didn't wrap my head around how our continued current status could be giving Marc further hope that this is forever. EEK! How dumb!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"even though I told him it's all temporary and doesn't mean anything."
Wow. Did you really tell Marc that ??? Is that what you think/feel? Is that what he needs to hear? Does Gabe know you said that? My sister insists that thoughts create our reality. So telling others this is just temporary.. well, you know.
I think it would do you, Marc and Gabe ALL good to know which direction you were headed. I was seeing is as reconciliation/future, not temporary/it doesnt mean anything.. but maybe you told him that ages ago and havent updated him lately?
Hugs xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I do still see this as temporary and it's because of the many times he has left me. In my mind I tell myself it's temporary and doesn't really mean anything in order to save myself when he leaves again. If I invest too much of my heart into this R I feel like I won't recover when he leaves again.
Yes, I said when, not if. I'm not prepared for if. If means there is another possibility and that this might be for the rest of our lives. That is too much to hope for in my eyes. Gabe and I are both very broken people. Honestly, neither one of us has any business being in a R with ANYONE but we functioned ok as a broken whole. Understand? If you do, explain it to me!!! LOL.
My counselor is being cautious in the extreme with me on this. I have told her about Gabe's way of 'dealing' with things - running away and never talking through problems or differences of opinion. She helped me work through the worst of my depression and doesn't want me to risk going back there if Gabe disappoints me. I told her I can't be disappointed if I expect nothing from him but that's also no way to live. I know I have control of my own situation and zero control over how he reacts to my thoughts and feelings. I'm just scared to sit him down and talk to him about it. I don't want him to just agree with me on where I feel we are headed out of a need for a place to live or some misguided thinking that this might as well be where he stays since Marc is here and I'm giving him a roof over his head. I would like him to stay, but only if he is truly happy with me, not just because he has no better option. That leaves the door too open when that 'better option' shows up again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Tell me this....why am I so scared? Why can't I just lay it all out on the table to Gabe and let him do with it whatever he wants? It's on the tip of my tongue and I can't spit it out. My throat literally closes up. It doesn't help that I see him a grand total of about 30 minutes a day so there is not much time to sit down and have any kind of serious discussion except in the middle of the night. It may have to be at some crazy hour but then he'll be tired and not receptive to anything I have to say.
Grrrr....I'm frustrating myself. It makes me very angry with myself that I am such a danged wimp.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
OT, that's what I have been doing. Holding. I've been watching him, observing his actions and attitudes. I've been talking to my C about it and about the horrible fear that grips me when I think about saying outloud what I want to say. I mean really, what is the worst that could happen? He freaks, tells me it's been fun but he's not that into me and leaves again? No worries on that....I've survived it before and I'll survive it again. Opening myself up and being openly vulnerable to him him is what scares the bejeezes out of me. I shut down so completely to open emotion and it's hard to open that back up.
Yesterday before Gabe went to work we (Gabe, Marc and I) went for a walk. 3.5 miles wasn't bad but the heat and humidity were about to kill me. I do my exercise as God intended......in my living room with the ceiling fan on and the air conditioning running! I was one massive ball of sweat by the time I got home. In the middle of our walk my BFF called. We had been playing phone tag for almost 2 weeks. I let the boys get ahead of me so I could talk to her without much worry about them overhearing anything but we didn't get into too deep a conversation about it. I'm even afraid to tell her that I have such strong feelings for Gabe again. She knows it, I know she does. She has said several things which show me she can hear it in my voice but to actually flat out say it.....I just can't do it.
So.........no idea what to do next. Just hanging here in the land of confusion.......
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Opening yourself up is the hardest thing Mishka, especially to someone who has hurt you before, no wonder you are reticent. Think it through and do it when you're ready, alternatively wait and see what his actions are.
I smile everytime I read your thread at how amazingly you are doing!
