Completely Blindsided

[blind]

It was pretty fast... and part of me thinks that if she was doing something with someone she wouldn't have replied so quick - would have felt more guilty than anything else. I dunno.

I am trying to focus on me... it's weird, but it feels like there's only so much of me to focus on, and then I get sucked back into thinking about her. She's online right now, idle on Gchat, but I'm not approaching her. My mind is still swirling too much from that last email, and the rule is to leave it a few days before any reply.

And yeah, too much stress is going to make me ill. HAS made me ill. I need to find ways to de-stress, but I'm not sure what my options are. Again, been trying to do so much focused on me that I can't seem to think of new things to try.... I realise that doesn't make my sense to read it... clearly the mind isn't firing on all cylinders this morning.

Re: your spouse not being perfect - that's something I'm just coming to terms with. It's not that I think she's perfect, but I've not been thinking ill of her either. The fact is, as much as my flaws may have been niggling at her over a prolonged period of time, her flaw is a damn big one, and it's hurting me a lot, now. I can work on my flaws, and have been, and they're coming along quite nicely tbh... but she is still running from hers.

It's not just wanting what you can't have, but wanting what you can't have but ALREADY had, meaning you know it's possible to have it.. that's what screws with your head so much.

I'm not fixating on the good times at the moment, which is a good thing... I was a little while ago, now I'm just sitting back and hurting, but not scraping new wounds... I think.

Thanks for following though Moon, it means a lot to have regular replies. I really appreciate it. I still read other threads, but have trouble associating. For one thing, as soon as children are involved I know the situation is going to be very different from ours. And when someone is in the same country/city/house, there are more active steps they can take, so again, vastly different.

In a lot of ways it sucks that a site like this even exists, that there are enough people in pain to warrant it. At least I've not seen any of your internet crazies coming around to flame/upset people, which is a big plus. Maybe there is some taboo on the internet? Nice that people still respect some things. That actually makes me happy.

Right, showered, dressed, ready for another day of work/dance/drinks with mates. Gotta keep on GALing.