OK - I bypassed the bad part of TM, just sent one saying I hope DD has fun, and that I need her to help me early Friday morning to drop a car off for service. She will wonder why nothing about the house. I did see that her cell called a Realtor/rental place a couple towns away, but opposite direction from OM.
I got some good stuff on detachment from MLC thread, and will try to get that ball going at full speed, the more detached I am, the clearer I think and the more I can organize my plan. I'm doing pretty good on GAL also which includes a couple big 180's.
I will start looking for those articles. I did e-mail her one after she took DD14 to that concert and OM was there, so I know she got that point deeply. It spoke of the damage done by one parent pulling adolescent in, and asking them to lie and cover up stuff for them, and the pain it causes later in life.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
OM and her are actually talking about getting M? Is this some desperate stretch on thier part to try and make what they have seem more real than the farce of relationship it is?
Looks like she will be giving me D doc's this week at some point, with a friend along for moral support.
And DD14 actually did have interaction/conversation with OM at his son's concert, which is wrong on so many levels.
I'm taking DD14 camping this afternoon.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
I think its time to expose this a lot more... Opti you need to stop talking to your wife ... and do NOT ask her to help you with your car or ANYTHING...
Do you KNOW what you DO when you ask THEM for HELP?
It JUSTIFIES her AFFAIR... COMPLETELY SIGNS OFF ON IT.. stop talking to her and stop going to her for ANY HELP of ANY KIND... DETACH means you are financially, pratcially AND emotionally INDEPENDENT of her
He's stuck halfway between "Infidelity" strategy & tactics, and MLC ones. Two VERY different approaches.
I think Opti needs to decide which is the best STRATEGY to use, for maximum chance of success, as that will of course dictate his TACTICS.
I'm simplifying, but this forum treats affairs as a primary obstacle to be BUSTED, as fast as possible, so the real work of reconciliation can then begin. The MLC forum treats the infidelity as but a symptom of the broader problem, which is really a psychological disorder (Mid-Life Crisis), which must be endured (albeit with boundaries, and coping mechanisms) for a long, long time.
Puppy is right, I am kinda stuck, there is no one left to expose this to other than the general public which I don’t think will help any, cause they don’t give a rat’s a$$ and would probably buy popcorn to sit and watch with.
She has told her entire family that sorry I disappoint you, but I’m going to do what I’m going to do. They have kept in contact with me a lot more than her, and basically are in the ‘It takes two people in love to make it work, if we pressure her, it will just blow up again”. FIL actually had an affair, stopped it, went back to family, had a miserable existence for 6 more years until he got out completely when W graduated. Step MIL first husband had an A that destroyed her and her family, and is on his 4th marriage now.
She is rebuilding a group of friends from high school who don’t know me, and love the OM, I guess it’s called rewind or something, and reverted to partying a bit etc. She never liked any of them for 20 years, now she is trying to get buddy-buddy with all of them on FB, I guess to justify this crap.
This locomotive is flying, and I’m doing what I can to get out of it’s way, but she must figure the faster it’s done, then it must not be a mistake?
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Exposure is an ongoing activity Opti, its not jsut about running out and telling on your wife...
You bring people into the loop of what's going on, find your supporters and tag those who are tossing your marriage to the curb (don't invite them to your home after this is over.. they are idiots)...
It's not about exposing and dropping it, you keep the contacts going.. talk to those you exposed to, find out if your wife's contacted tehm... keep educating them on the subject and what they can do to help.. its an ongoing activity, not a one-shot only deal...
If her family or yours are ignorant, YOU educate them.. don't just GIVE UP on tehm.. TEACH them how to HANDLE these situations...
You can't expect everyone to be as educated and as mature as you.. MOST people are nOT taught how to respond to these social situations.. they just act on ignorance and clumsy instinct
Here's an article you can show family to dismiss the MLC treat as symptom view :
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Holes in the Roof Penny R. Tupy June 2004
I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open models in the upscale developments around the area. During my thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses. And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws, money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof? No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching, no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete. Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time, patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage torn apart by an affair.
My cat got in a fight the other night. A raucous screeching fight that jerked us awake at 2am. When you share acreage with coyotes, eagles, rabbits, pheasants, and stray cats, as we do, the sounds of nighttime hostilities are not all that unusual. But the unmistakable absence of the cat the next morning along with the bits of fur near the patio confirmed my worst fears. He'd tangled with something more than he'd bargained for.
We spent the day checking out buildings and walking paths in the woods – hoping against hope to find him. Preferably in one piece. To no avail. Finally, at about 4pm, he sauntered on to the patio, took a sip from the dog's dish and walked into the house as if nothing had happened. But by evening it was clear he was not feeling well. Our usually friendly and active pet planted himself in a spot in the front hall – not moving except to turn around once in a while.
The family conferred and it was decided that unless he was greatly improved by morning we'd be visiting the vet the next day. When morning came he was still holding fort in his spot in the hallway, refusing food, and feeling warm to the touch. I called the vet.
Unlike most cats I've had, Mischief likes to go for rides in the car. But he's really not all that thrilled about visiting the vet. A shaved head (to get a good look at his wounds), thermometer reading, and shot of penicillin later, he was a very unhappy kitty. The vet sent us home with a bottle of once a day antibiotics and instructions to clean the wound daily. Yes, a very unhappy kitty indeed.
I have this theory that you can tell when pets are feeling a whole lot better because they fight like crazy to avoid taking their medication. This time was not any different. The first day – not a problem. The second day – he managed to get a good dig into my son's arm with his claws in the process. The third day – the first attempt sent the dropper scuttling across the kitchen floor, the second attempt he spit out all over me and my son. After that, he wouldn't come near me the rest of the day and treated all attempts on my part to be friendly with complete disdain.
The fourth day – today – I couldn't bring myself to try again. He was looking good, acting well, and still mad at me for the previous day's attempt. I decided not to even try. And then, my son came to me holding the cat. "Mom, we need to give Mischief his medicine – aren't you going to do it?" he asked.
"Well, uhmmm, I was thinking I wouldn't, " I said.
"But I want to make sure he's better."
"I know, " I sighed, "but I don't want him to be mad at me again…"
And that's when it hit me. This is exactly what happens to my clients when I ask them to do what I know is needed to help create the conditions that bring about an end to their spouse's affair. They love their mate and don't want him or her to be mad at them. They want to be the nice one, the good guy, the one who is loving and kind and supportive. Not the one upsetting their partner's world with all kinds of unpleasantness.
A sick cat well on the mend is a small issue. I can deal with the cat being mad at me – he'll get over it – he's a cat, and I feed him. But how incredibly frightening it is for husbands and wives whose spouses have done the unthinkable to rock the boat even further. It feels like the final shove over the edge of a cliff – when the marriage is already teetering precariously. And yet, like giving Mischief his medication, it needs to be done.
Illness and the painful steps we need to take in order to overcome it are easy to recognize and understand. But infidelity hides under the guise of a love story. It confuses and blinds us to the very real parallels between an affair and an illness. If we are to save the marriage and move it away from the cliff and back towards healing we must first address the illness, the addiction, of an affair. Doing so requires unpleasantness.
The betrayed spouse, determined to save the marriage, is not allowed the luxury of giving into emotions or instincts. Instead, they must steel themselves against the emotional onslaught and take direct action. Expose the affair. Confront the spouse and the affair partner. Tell what they know and how they know it. Ask for help from friends, family, and other influential people in their lives. And if none of that brings about the end of the affair – they must protect the marriage by separating entirely until the affair comes to an end of its own accord. And yes, the straying partner, will indeed be very angry.
"I don't want him to be mad at me." A normal compassionate desire. True compassion however, looks below the surface of our own fear of rejection and abandonment to the greater good. Often times in life we must cause pain in order to ward off more harm. Infidelity may very well be one of the greatest tests of our ability to do so.
Love As An Excuse For Infidelity Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
