A woman considering divorce would be wise to get her own place to live, DUMP their OM (and any enabling girlfriends), and get a GOOD individual counselor who will help them with their issues and their decision-making.
And they should give it 4-6 months, minimum (it will take a month of hard withdrawal from OM if they truly dump him, before she'll be able to truly even "get started" with her introspection and decision-making process).
REGARDLESS of their feelings (or lack thereof) for their husband, this is just SMART, and any good IC worth their salt will tell them the exact same thing.
THIS, truly, is the "space" that is called for in these situations, but -- sadly -- when a wayward spouse asks for "space," it almost ALWAYS means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered," and then they never do cut off their contact with OM/OW, thus fatally flawing their decision-making process.
I'd like to think that my W email to me was genuine about her not dating/sleeping with OM. The fact of the matter is she still has some sort of R with him. The amount of betrayel that I feel makes me wonder if she were to come back to try and reconcile what would I do??????
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
I'd like to think that my W email to me was genuine about her not dating/sleeping with OM. The fact of the matter is she still has some sort of R with him. The amount of betrayel that I feel makes me wonder if she were to come back to try and reconcile what would I do??????
You might be right. But in my experience in studying literally thousands of affairs, I've learned that a wayward spouse usually will admit to one level LESS than what the truth is:
- "inappropriate friendship or feelings" = "full-blown Emotional Affair" (EA)
- "we've never been physical" = "full-blown Physical Affair" (PA), or sometimes it had BECOME physical, but they've temporarily cooled it, either voluntarily or due to outside pressure
Oh, I wouldn't expect any sort of positive response at all. She's only going to lie, spin, holler, obfuscate, etc., or she'll just ignore it.
You do it because it's The Right Thing to Do, not to get any sort of positive response out of her. In so doing, maybe you land a little truth dart, as these can -- over time -- have an effect.
I hear that alot. Once the partner that you were 'fightingfor' seems like they might come back, we get cold feet, so afraid it might happen again. It is normal to feel that way. If you haven't talked to a DB coach, I know that would be extremely helpful. They will help keep you strong and put the ball in your court! I hope all goes well.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
She responded that she doesn't know what my problem is and she isn't "with" anyone so I should stop feeling so betrayed. I should be a man and take some of the blame.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
DO NOT RESPOND -- it will only weaken your original message. You've said your peace, and it NEEDED to be said.
Let her blow. Remember, you are no longer measuring your actions by "How will she respond?", but rather by "What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation?"
She responded that she doesn't know what my problem is and she isn't "with" anyone so I should stop feeling so betrayed. I should be a man and take some of the blame.
You have taken some of the blame, right?
You have to listen to Puppy and others here. I'm no expert, but my W has said the exact same thing. "You didn't support me being on the SB or coaching, or whatever." They will always have some excuse. My W has admitted to a friendship that I find unacceptable. As Puppy points out, it is probably more than that. Don't let self doubt cripple you. It has happened to me as I start wondering if I am reading this whole thing the wrong way.
If she has a relationship that you are uncomfortable with and she won't stop it, that should tell you all you need to know. You and your family aren't as important as her "friend".
I didn't respond but now she is blowing up my phone 6calls.
She just sent me a another message asking me "why does it make you feel good by putting me down"
I'm not sure why she thinks I'm putting her down. She wanted this D and I'm just going with the motions now. I know she's going to want to talk when I get home.
How to I handle the R talk then???? I need you guys!!!!!!
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
