Question

[awest1217]

For some reason today I am really missing H. I haven't told him to leave me alone, but once again we are at total ignoring phase. I am mostly ok with that, but once again i hate that he won't even ask me how S is doing or take any of his time off to spend with S. All he does is work, and try to find ways to work extra so he does well at his job. Who cares that he is completely ruining any chance at all of having a good relationship with his S. Right now it isn't a big deal because S doesn't really understand, but this next year of S's life, he is going to start realizing that things are not as they are supposed to be, and if H continues to not be around at all....well this to spell disaster. I don't really want H around S too much because of his here and not here antics so I don't trust him if he were to have S, but he could change that by trying.

I am still having very strange dreams. Last night there was one about H and I renewing our vows, but he didn't show up until late. There was more to that one, but I don't remember. Then I had another weird one about some friends of mine. They are all very vivid and I am in them first person which is odd for me. I am not sure what they are meaning because I haven't thought about H and I even getting back together in a while and the dream is what brought up the missing feelings. Maybe it is because I was mad when i went to bed because I found out that his father's day present got delivered on Wednesday, but he hasn't even said thank you. I mean it is just courteous to say thank you. I did send the text to ask him to change the address on some of his mail, but I never told him he should never contact me again. I don't know where he is at or what is going on so I think that is what is bugging me. I don't want to get blind-sided by either D papers or him wanting to get back together. I would like to know his feelings, but he won't ever share those. He just says things like I miss you or love you and never ever explains what that means for us.

I spent the day yesterday playing on and off in the pool with S. It was a lot of fun! Today is supposed to be another hot one with thunderstorms on and off the whole weekend so hopefully we will get to spend some more time in the pool.

I am going to call the MIL to set what is going on Sunday. I have a party to go to tomorrow for my step-dad's extended family. Then Sunday we only have one service so I think we will go back to my parents for a little bit then the in-laws. I personally don't like father's day because the three people in my life I would celebrate are gone; my dad, my grandpa, and H (for S). Not much luck with men staying in my life...

[awest1217]

So a friend is trying to set me up with a guy she knows. I don't know what to think. I am still married and still trying to make this work, but on the other hand, H won't ever commit. He still has so much coming here. All of his important paperwork comes here. The only stuff that doesn't is stuff he takes care of online, but it is just because it is online.

I don't know if he is holding on to me to hold on to me, or because he still really wants to be with me. Now there is a potential who knows what...but I know I can't pursue anything until H and I are getting D because otherwise I am just like H.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I just hate this! I know that I can stop it all by Ding H, but I don't want to if there is a chance, but is there really a chance?

[awest1217]

So nothing still from H. I sent him a flix yesterday of S saying "Happy Father's Day", but nothing. As I put above, he got his gift and nothing. I left his cards from S (two he made at different classes at church and one bought with me)....nothing. Then today his teaching license came in the mail so I text him to find out what he wants me to do with it, and...you guessed it...nothing.

I am not going to take it to his parents. I am done being his postman. He either needs to work something out with me or he isn't going to get his mail, which in this case means he won't have a job next year because he needs his license because it expired last month.

S and I are having a lazy day. It is raining on and off and humid so just watching TV and playing here and there. Lazy day. Tomorrow we are going to a bigger zoo in a nearby city. Then the rest of the week is free. I do have a branch in a tree our front I need to get down because it broke in teh storms this weekend.

[awest1217]

H finally responded to my text about his mail. He said he would pick it up tomorrow. I said where do you want me to leave it, and he never responded. I sent him another text saying I know I am bothering him, but I am just he needs this piece of mail, and S and i will be gone all day tomorrow. I said I would leave it on teh front porch. He finally responded that I wasn't bothering him and that he was just going to text me how he was thinking about me and "i love you". (typical).

I sent him a text back taht he should check the front porch occasionally because I will just leave his mail for him there. He said so we aren't talking anymore and i let him know that he is the one who has been ignoring me and not contacting me so I am just continuing what he already did.

Just now I sent him a text that I am tired of doing this dance of him contacting me, we hang out then he ignores me for weeks to just start again and during the ignoring, he is seen with OW by my family and friends and I get the cell bill showing thousands of texts and minutes used by him in network (the whole reason we switched cell phones was OW had this network and he wouldn't go over minutes anymore) when I know he wasn't communicating with me. I told him how I am upset that our S sees him as a hero, but he only sees H once a month. I said that I love him too much and it hurts too much, brings too much distrust and resentment for this to continue so he needs to only contact me if he has a question about S or wants to see S, but seeing S would mean talking further because since he rarely sees S and because of his habits, I am not going to have him pop in and out on S. I said unless he is ready to completely commit to me we will keep all conversation strictly about S.

Right now I am very sad because I feel like we are done. I am ok with that is some ways, but in others it hurts and i am scared because I don't know what the future holds and most importantly I don't want S to be messed up because of this. I don't want to lose S because H left me and I stood up to him. Oh well....life will go on...it always does...

[Lucky11too]

Wow, that's a tough one. I think you needed to stand up to H because he just keeps taking you on this rollercoaster as HE wants. You didn't say anything but the truth (I can't believe he had the nerve to say you weren't going to talk to him anymore after HE has been ignoring you all this time!). I think in regards to your question about hope above, hope is really the only thing we have to go on, but on the other hand, we can't have blind hope. H is really not giving you much to work with here to keep the hope alive (besides empty and meanless words of I love yous...where's the action???) I just continue to feel so frustrated by our H's! Don't they see what they are missing out on. Exasberating!

It is still probably not the best idea to be pursing other R while you are still torn with this one. It's a really tough choice whether to D or not. H has been so closed up, that it's hard to know what he wants with this all. You don't want to give up S in this whole mess, but at what point do you just put H and this life behind you? That is the toughest question in all this. =/ There is no easy answer. You just have to continue to do what's best for you and S, and continue to live your lives. It sounds like you 2 are having a lot of fun together and I hope the zoo was fun!

[Kalni]

Drop the rope. Period. Stop contacting him about the post(if he donest want it, it's not your problem), about how you feel, about what is going on. STOP. He is too far gone right now and he keeps you "there" with his insensitive "I love you s" and random communication.

You know by now you dont need him. You can still love him but you dont need him. Step back and see your life and how he controls you with his ...absence.
IMO, you need to control what is going on from now on.
hugs
K

[awest1217]

Tons of fun at the zoo today! It is funny how much S has grown up since last year when I took him to our local small zoo. Today we went to a bigger zoo that was gorgeous and he loved it. He could pick out the animals himself and even helped with the two other younger ones with us. Then we I told him he could get something at the gift shop instead of getting a stuffed animal like last year, he picked out a plastic animal action figure set. All boy and very "grown up" or at least older boy toy. He really likes it, but it just reminded me how much he had grown up.

With H, I am doing ok. After my venting with my post above, I was fine. It really doesn't bother me anymore or at least only for an hour or so then I am over it. H did contact me last night...can't just leave me alone. He said good night understand I will always love the both of you. I took the bait sadly, but I wasn't kind like normal. I asked how he can say he loves us when he only contacts us once a week and sees us once a month. We text a little, but he never responded to my question. I found out he is going to sexual anonymous meetings along with therapy with a psychiatrist. It really doesn't change things with us, but it is good to know he is getting help for himself. No contact today, and I am going to do my best to just not contact him at all. I told him where I am going to put his mail from now on so now it is his problem. I am going to just leave it in our agreed spot and if he doesn't get it...oh well. I am also going to talk to an insurance agent about our car insurance. I don't know since H and I are both on the loan of our car if we both have to insured under the same insurance. If we don't, I am going to tell him to find his own before his renewal in August.

S and I are just living our lives and I really don't worry about H much. I doubt I will hear from him anytime soon, and about the father's day gifts and cards, he says he hasn't opened them yet because he didn't get back from therapy until late last night, but still today no message saying thank you. No big deal. it just solidifies that I am going to go without him, and with D...we will see how the summer progresses. No dating for a long time, but if someone would like to be friends I am not opposed as long as they understand we are just friends. Maybe in time I will figure out things with H and then after time and a D, I can begin to date. Definitely not looking for myself, just my friends...they love me.

[awest1217]

Yesterday we had some severe storms. I really need to get outside and start cleaning up from them. H text me to be safe because he loves us both...blah blah blah. I said thank you for the concern, but that is it (he text me some Tuesday and I didn't respond). He then asked if there was damage and I just said limbs down, but that is it. He then proceeds to tell me that he is washing a lawyer friend of the family's windows tomorrow. I asked why, but shouldn't have because I don't want to talk to him.

I am thinking she may be someone he has talked to about getting D'd. I am toying with having him come over and talking, but don't because I know it won't help. I am starting to seriously consider filing again because there is no progress and hasn't been since December when everything broke. Since then, everything has gotten worse and worse.

He hasn't picked up his mail yet...but whatever...

Off to do a ton of work. I have to mow anyway, but now I have huge limbs down that I have to take care of before I weed and mow, plus rake because my mower doesn't bag and the clippings are not helping my yard...actually they are giving it a fungus.

[awest1217]

I did ask H if we could talk in person. He said what about and I told him about his plans and what he wants right now.

I know some may say I need to stop doing this, but I personally need some closure and I can't get closure over text messages or not talking. I need to close out this part of my life so I can move on without him.

Does that sound crazy or does anyone else understand that need? I just feel ignoring and only talking over texts is so childish so I want to be adult and close this out the right way.

[Lucky11too]

No, I completely understand your need for face to face contact and closure. Unfortuantely, I don't think you'll get it from H. You've gone thru this before where you'll meet but nothing ever gets accomplished b/c all he can say is "I don't know". If he agrees to meet u after this request, then great, but I wouldn't get your hopes up to get too much clocure. I think it's just going to come down to what you want and when you are ready to move on, b/c H is not going to give u that ok. It really is hard to know when to move on, especially when the future looks bleak. I don't know what I would do in your situation. In some ways, it seems like H is trying by getting help for himself, but like u said, he hasn't done anything to help the your relationship - it has just continued to detoriate these past 6 months. Since my situatuon has changed again, I've been really thinking about the D as well. I know I will never have any peace from H until that happens (yes, he will still be in my life b/c of S, but at least we won't have to to play these "I'm w/ u, I'm not w/ u" games). But then it also goes back to the fact that I want to keep S away from his custody for as long as possible, so why push the D. This is tough, huh? There is no easy answer, but those are just the things to consider for u too when you make that decision.

Well, I hope the yardwork went well yesterday. Any plans for the weekend?