Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

That's good to know wii but I don't know whatelse the doctor's telling her or diagnosing her for. The AD part is just what she's told me- she's always been secretive about her meds etc. I never really pushed her either to be sensitive to her privacy but I've had my doubts about her being bi-polar.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand...

[ImprovedRomeo]

She just texted me about some book she wants me to find and leave outside the door...and badgering me about when she can come over to split the furniture stuff. She said 'preferrably when you have DD' - umm no, I don't want to discuss or split stuff in front of DD that's nuts!

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. I wouldn't do any D related things in front of kids.

[bluestar]

Absolutely not. What is she thinking? I've been following your sitch for awhile SR but I don't remember if I've posted to you before. You're doing a great job staying all business with her and not taking her bait. The school thing sounds like a repeat of the support issue. I wouldn't talk to her anymore about it. Tell your L what you want to see happen and let him do his job.

Have you talked to your L about your W's meds and possible conditions? If there is bi polar involved, you really need to know. It's a potential saftey issue for your DD. My first H (whom I divorced due to cheating) was bi polar and went off his meds frequently. It was a major safety issue for my kids. Eventually, we had to stop visitation for a time until he got himself together. Hopefully, you have nothing to worry about but it doesn't hurt to ask.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks blue. Here's what I'm going to respond with:


"We were going to meet this past Thu about the household stuff but you didn't come over because you were sick. Let's meet Sat afternoon 3-4pm if that works for you. I won't discuss or split things while DD's present- that's not a good idea.

Thanks"

and


"You'd assured me that you'd be volunteering 3 out of 5 days and I trusted you on that. Since that's not the case anymore I would've appreciated a note saying you won't be staying with her."

and


"I understand that you're upset however your anger is misplaced and it's not going to change anything. If I could send her to the private school I would without a question but I don't have the money to send her. What is the exact cost both tuition+daycare at all these options?"

That's it for now.

Thoughts?

[Gardener]

Romeo,
my thoughts.

Thanks blue. Here's what I'm going to respond with:


"We were going to meet this past Thu about the household stuff but you didn't.[/s] come over because you were sick. Let's meet Sat afternoon 3-4pm. if that works for you. I've decided I won't discuss or split things while DD's present- that's not a good idea.

Thanks"

and


"You'd assured me that you'd becommitted to volunteering 3 out of 5 days. and I trusted you on that. Since that's not the case anymore I would've appreciated a note saying you won't be staying with her.". In the future I expect advance notice when a note saying you won't be staying with her."

and


"I understand that you're upset however your anger is misplaced and it's not going to change anything. If I could The unfortunate reality is that sending her to the private school I would without a question but I don't have the money to send her. What is the exact cost both tuition+daycare at all these options?"is not financially possible.

Shorter, more factual, no emotionally-charged words, assumptions or unnecessary explanations, or expressions of thanks/gratitude, fwiw.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks G!! I still haven't mastered the art of writing/speaking with authority, in fact, I have a long way to go but this helps a lot.

I want her to write down the costs of the schools one for a comparison and two for documentation purposes. I was also thinking that if she really wants DD to go to a private school then why not talk to her about reducing the alimony/child support payments? Then the ball is in her court and she can say no to it.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Something like:

"The only way I see DD being able to go to a private school is if the court order is modified as follows:

$x for alimony
$x for child support

Then I can pay half of the private school cost. The child support cost should pay for most of the other half from your end.

I would love for her to go there too because they have a beautiful campus and I agree that she will thrive in that environment."

I figure if I'm paying her all this money it might as well go towards DD's well being and education and she can be the bad guy and say no. I'm sure she'll counter back with higher numbers or she'll say no.


Thoughts?

[alice444]

Yep, Gardener's is better! Remember the rules ;-)

the 2nd one, I would make more business-like. I might run it by your L first, just to make absolutely sure before you propose it that there's a way to enforce that she use the $ to pay for school and nothing else, so she can't come back later and say she needs more, you know?

We could send DD to a private school by modifying the court order as follows:

$x for alimony
$x for child support

I will pay half of the private school cost and the child support cost will cover most of the other half. You would pay the balance due.

Don't know how to word this non-emotionally, but you want to make it clear that if she goes for this, she cannot come back later asking you for more support money to live on b/c that would mean you'd have to pull DD out of private school to afford to pay her, which = bad for DD. Ask your L first- there is no rush to reply til you talk to L, but you could add:

The L's will amend the agreement to agree in writing that you will pay this money for her schooling for X years, regardless of any changes to your financial circumstances so DD's schooling is not interrupted partway through. You also will agree that there will be no modification of the child/spousal support during this time b/c you feel school becomes difficult to pay for. (no idea if you can enforce that but she needs to hear loud and clear that she can't change this on a whim b/c she needs more money- I find it amusing she's so ready to pay for half when she needed money so badly that she took you to the cleaners. Was she already planning on using the $ for school or what?? in fact, if she's so easily able to pay for something that is OPTIONAL, maybe you should tell your L she obviously doesn't need this extra $, you have it in writing and can the support be amended- private school is not a necessity. Worth a try)

In fact, R, seriously consider, please, how important this private school is. Remember that you have to scale back now, so please consider whether you have to have this. You can always do a private middle/high school if you must later- DD will be able to help make that decision and you'll be more financially able (hopefully) and it won't be that traumatic to her to change then esp if she helps decide. Just my 2 cents.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Alice, thank you and I do see your point. I guess I need to have a conversation with the lawyer about this. The problem is the seats at the private school are really difficult to come by there's always a waiting list and that's why this needs to be decided.

I know the private school is optional but I'm not thrilled about the fact that the public school's daycare won't escort the kids to/from school. They said it's right next door and never a problem but man if anything happens to DD I don't know what I'll do.

In the mean time she responded to the household stuff email with:

"I don't have anyone to watch her that day. So if she can go play next door that's fine, otherwise we'll have to pick an alternate date."

so I wrote back:

"Pick an alternate date when you will have someone to watch her and I'll tell you if it works for me or not. Thanks"