Well, since "help with a plan" is the name of my thread, this caught my eye.
When I first found this board, I was hopelessly lost. Even after getting some good advice here, I didn't understand the dynamics at play or why I should do some of the things I was told I should be doing.
My W's EA, and she still won't admit to it, and the ILYBINILWY bomb really just caught me so off guard. Yes, we were having problems but we would work them out. Why wouldn't we? We have four great kids, had been married for 11yrs, been through a lot together and still loved each other.
As we all know, the problems started long before we realized it.
Anyway, the importance of having a plan and acting on that plan is easy to underestimate. If you don't have a goal and are not actively working towards it, you will just spin your wheels and keep doing the same things that got you here in the first place.
I still have a lot to learn. I am still too scared at the possible outcome if I do xy and z. That is not the way to handle this, I know. After reading so much on here, the solutions are usually right in front of our eyes.
We are afraid of making our spouses mad and driving them further away-Schmuck.
We try to prove to them we understand our past mistakes, this is all our fault and will do anything to make it up to them-Schmuck.
I am guilty of it all.
I have been given great advice. Read about button pushing and Sandi's explanation of why WAS do what they do. I think everything goes back to how we react to them. Take away the negative reaction and we take away their reason to keep doing what they are doing.
It took me a long time to give my W the "speech". I felt better after I did and things improved somewhat. My W still refuses to leave and refuses to give 100% to restoring our M. What's left for me to do?
I know what it is I need to do. I have to stop being afraid like I was months ago.
Follow a plan. It gives you purpose and a reason to keep trying.
Don't be afraid. Fear causes you to lose focus.
Don't allow yourself to be walked on. You lose respect.
