Heartbroken and needing help!

[cat04]

OK - so I really did screw up. H is in control now because I confessed that I left him a message on the phone chat line and I felt bad and shouldn't have done it. Now - as crazy as it sounds - he has the upper hand because I admitted doing something I shouldn't have done.

I have to agree with Trapt. This stood out to me as well. Your H has no control here. You do. Control over your own behavior.

While I was amused at what you did, I was disturbed that you confessed to it. You could have simply let him respond if he was going to and never even listened to the response. It would have been over and done with.

Instead, you gave him ammo to use against you.

Right now, that is one of the last things you want to do. He has enough spinning around in his head to make you the devil for a very long time. So why add fuel to the fire?

I call H tonight to let him know that he is "losing" S - not good interactions.

This is never going to work. Trust me.

I tried this early on, seriously not concerned for me at all, just for S, and it opened up a boatload of spew that I won’t even bother to repeat.

Believe me, they know they are making a mess of things, but they CAN’T stop themselves.

This behavior, is YOU trying to CONTROL the situation.

I understand that you are worried about your S. Boys at this age, remember my S is a similar age, really do need a positive male role model. Wouldn’t it be nice if it could be their fathers?

Right now, it just can’t.

As your H works through this, it is very possible that he could come around to being a better dad, but for right now, you have to just be the best MOM/DAD you can to your S.

All you control is YOU and your R with your child. The example YOU set for him and your Ds (although they are older) will carry them through this.

In fact - I actually say " I am clear on that "Joe" (fake name used on phone chat line) -
"43 years old" –

This was very very bad.

For a few reasons.

First, you were just saying it to hurt him.

Why would you want to hurt someone that you love?

I know you are hurt and angry, but the less you stoop to his level, the better.

Second, you caught him in a LIE. While it might not have been a lie to you, it was a lie.

You CAN’T do that with a MLCer without opening yourself up to a firing squad. Because we all know that they NEVER lie. They are ALWAYS to be trusted and believed. (Ok we know they really aren’t but in their minds…)

Right now, you don’t validate. That is not where this is at. I mean, you can tell him that you understand that he feels the way that he feels about your M, but beyond that, nothing. Do not validate his behaviors. Don’t argue with him about them either.

Irish,

The guys are right and they are trying. Please listen to them.

I know it is hard to deal with what you are dealing with. I know how each and every one of my H’s flings affected me and I honestly can’t even begin to fathom the anger you must feel inside at your H’s actions.

That is what you should be working on right now. Not trying to save your M. You MUST save yourself first. I know that is not what you want to hear.

I can only assume, by trying to put myself in your shoes, that you really are heartbroken, for yourself, your H, and your children. Humiliated, hurt, angry, angry, and more angry. Like a failure in most aspects of your life.

Your H, has had multiple affairs with strangers, prostitutes. He has seen a counselor, IMO, to justify his behavior for now. He has been labeled an addict. But he continues to pursue these rendevouz. Which means he was just looking for the permission that he needed to keep it up. Addicts quit cold turkey when they are ready to quit. It is the only way that works, no matter what the addictions.

So how does this really make you feel, as a woman?

He is leaving and avoiding your children, he says because of you (which is not the truth), but how does that make you feel as a mother?

I am not trying to berate you here or make you feel worse.

Sweetie, these are things you have to deal with and you have to face.

YOUR feelings. Not just the sadness at what is going on in your M, but everything else. You can’t wait until you are either reconciled or D to do it.

You CAN’T.

It is time to begin your healing. YOUR journey. If that means going dark, which means only have contact in emergency situations, about really important stuff about the house or kids, then so be it.

That includes no snooping, no listening to messages that only hurt you anyway, no throwing things in his face, no wondering where he is, etc…

And it means, start really trying to understand what you are dealing with. Learn about sexual addictions, learn about MLC, learn about depression. Take your own spiritual journey, learn about meditation, angels, karma, unconditional love, forgivness, etc…

Take steps to improve YOUR life. Get a haircut, take up a hobby that you always wanted to try, read some books, learn a new language, anything that will get YOU moving. Some of these things you can do with your S if he would be willing.
I know it is hard to think about that right now but you have to force yourself at the beginning to take these steps. If you get yourself busy doing things for you and your child, you will find you have less time to worry about H because you will be so busy.

You can do this. You HAVE to do this. For yourself, your children, and any future R you may have (with or without your H).