When we reconciled, my wife told me that this (losing my friendship during her affair, and the potential of losing it FOREVER) was THE single-biggest reason she decided to end it, and come back to me.
That was the slap of reality my H gave me, also. I could not believe he would not want to be friends with me!
Crazy, I tell you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had no idea that this is part of the process. I'm glad I went with my gut instinct and said what I said to her.
I'm in the process to re-fy our home and it will be a matter of time before she moves out. I'm dreading that day because she will be taking our son with her. I'll have him for a few hours almost everynight but it's an adjustment I'll have to make.
On that note, what kind of changes in WAW should I expect when the move actually happens. Any thoughts or past experiences anyone has had?
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Ok, so I need some advice. I just got an email from my W saying the following: I'm curious how I should respond to this.
W email to me......
"So... I am going to stop reaching out to you because I know its not the right thing to do. So much bad has happened and I honestly dont know how we got here so fast.
I know you have tried. Lord knows I have too. Divorce is in the works and we are both coming to terms with that. I want you to know that I am not dating or sleeping with anyone. I do talk to people and I know you are not comfortable with that.
I dont take Son around anyone and I am doing the best I can. I wish that you would give me just a little credit. I am a good person. I cant believe that out of everyone, you are the ONE person I cant talk to. Doesnt that bother you?
I dont know why I am saying these things to you. I am just hurting really bad and I am having a hard time processing. "
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
More fogged-out, self-martyring, moral equivalency B.S.
A: "You can always talk to me. However, as the one person who DOES both know you best and love you most, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass, either. You may be a good person, but you're making some horrible, destructive choices, and I'm not going to call them anything other than that, just to make you feel better. It is NOT okay to put a friendship with another man ahead of your husband, or your family."
I dont know why I am saying these things to you. I am just hurting really bad and I am having a hard time processing. "
Your wife is in the "Stage Two" of my own theory on the Four Stages of Remorse.
From my personal archives:
Stages of Remorse:
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
"Knowing what I know, I can't do that with you right now"
And she pursues you -
Quote:
"So... I am going to stop reaching out to you because I know its not the right thing to do........
Agree with her.
"I understand you are hurting. I agree it is for the best that you stop reaching out to me."
Watch the dynamics shift. She will start contacting you like crazy. Use the script on her.
Being bold and confident will make you attractive instantly to your W. Be catnip.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"You have not tried to work at our marriage without the influence of a third person in it. Whatever the extent of your feelings for OM (and I don't believe for a minute that you're "just friends"), any good individual counselor worth their salt (note I said INDIVIDUAL counselor, nevermind MARRIAGE counselors) will tell you that you OWE IT TO YOURSELF to make such potentially life-changing decisions WITHOUT the influence of a third person."
She either does not understand, or is choosing to ignore, the physiological influence that this other man is having on her brain and her decision-making and her emotions right now.
