I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[Gardener]

nm,
Where did you read all this? This is my X!, My sitch in a nutshell.

CW- you know, I have wondered if my stbxh is going through an MLC. This stood out to me when I read about it before, but I have to say my ztbxh's parents (mom and stepdad) didn't abuse him and they weren't alcoholics....they just were poor, stressed, hard working, very very religious. His parents divorced when he was 3 or 4. HIs mom moved to a different state so he only saw his dad in the summers for many years. :

Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children.

The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending.

As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives.

As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened.

You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times.

However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child.

It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life.

This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts.

If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as the "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.

[newmama]

Gardener: from Snodderly's postings!
Here is the link to the mlc posting. I believe you will find it to be interesting.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...ge=74#Post67406

CG-thanks for the idea for the filling! I picked up some other stuff today before reading it, but I will need to make a cake next week again so I will definitely try it- sounds delicious!

FYI really hate feeling sorry for myself! I despise it! But whenever I see 2 parents together with their baby, I think "I never got that!" and THEN I get jealous and think of the fact that OW and stbxh play house with OUR son! So they get that! Thank God I tolerated his visits to my house for the first 10 months of S' life because that meant way less opportunities for the bonding to occur.

And another thing- I think a way out of my misery over this divorce is to accept that I did not do a good job putting my H priority, and neglected to make anniversaries and Valentines' Day special and really did not do a good job with this marriage. Therefore, it is for the best to just throw it away.

My pampering today was buying the Julie and Julia dvd. I guess I need to return to cooking even though I have no idea what to do with all the food! When I go back to school, I can bring it into the staff room. They eat ANYTHING!

ok back to working out.

[Gardener]

nm,

The link didn't work.
I'll search on Snodderly, but in the meantime, got another link?
Thanks.

[Gardener]

nm,

And another thing- I think a way out of my misery over this divorce is to accept that I did not do a good job putting my H priority, and neglected to make anniversaries and Valentines' Day special and really did not do a good job with this marriage.

That is a courageous, honest, self-perceptive insight to admit.
You'll be fine.

[Mrs. A]

FYI really hate feeling sorry for myself! I despise it! But whenever I see 2 parents together with their baby, I think "I never got that!" and THEN I get jealous and think of the fact that OW and stbxh play house with OUR son! So they get that! Thank God I tolerated his visits to my house for the first 10 months of S' life because that meant way less opportunities for the bonding to occur.

Pardon me, NM, for just learning how to quote.

I think what you said - "Thank God I tolerated his visits to my house for the first 10 months of S' life because that meant way less opportunities for the bonding to occur" - is what we have to hold on to during times like this of grave disappointment. We didn't do it all JUST for our WHs to come back; we still remained clear-headed enough to do some things that would help to keep us sane no matter the outcome with WH.

Just so you know, your posting all these months has really helped to keep me in line. I (and probably a lot of other lurkers) owe you bigtime!

[figgeroni]

nm,

and another thing--I feel like I don't have the option to sit around as long as I need to "heal" before dating. I guess because if I figure if I meet a good guy before my son is like 4 or 5, it will be easier for my son to accept him.

Pfft. Too needy. You're going to wind up with another jerk most likely if you hold onto this sense of urgency.

^^^This^^^^
Bingo.

I second this or third this or whatever with resounding emphasis

and

I have 2 boys who are going to be 13 and going to be 12. Their dad has had no contact with them since they were 2 and 3. I married AJ when they were older (5 and 6) and he left when they were in 2nd and 4th grade. I waited for several years before meeting and committing to COri. ANd tey love him and he loves them

I have an almost 12 year old, and almost 13 year old, a 7 year old stepdaughter and a brand new 1 year old baby girl.

It's hard work but I love every second of it...

if you are with someone because of time or lonliness you aren't going to be happy

you need to be with someone because of who they are and who you are when you are with them

and

about the ring

AJ took my ring and gave it to the little girl he was dating at the time...not sure if they ever got married, not sure if he ever had kids with her but I suspect she was pregnant

I am only sure of the fact that he was no longer good for me or my children

[courageous wife]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

I am not good at posting links but try this Gardener

[courageous wife]

OR...got to page 5 on NM thread and snodderly posted the link in her post

[newmama]

weird! I copied and pasted the link but it didn't work! I clicked on the one from page 5 of my thread from Snodderly and it did work.

ok another vent--my friends and family just want me to accept this already and be ready to date. They don't understand! I told them the dangers of rebound dating. I also said that I was just given the papers 7 days ago. I think it's because I have been separated for so long.

One of my friends thinks it will help me accept it faster if I demonize stbxh. I refuse to do that- pity is better for me and the person I am. (not that people who demonize their exes who cheated on them are bad, but I am not good at getting angry at people).

So tonight I changed the drop off a little- instead of letting stbxh put S in his crib, I just took him from him at the door and told him I will put him to bed from now on. He seemed choked up, but who cares! I told him about S pictures on Wed and then said goodbye. We talked for 30 seconds. Get used to it! He still has a key to the house so I heard him lock the door behind him when he left. At least he has been ringing the doorbell (well, he has S ring it) when he drops him off instead of letting himself in.

[newmama]

Thank you for your success story of finding a great guy, figgeroni!

And Mrs. A, I was hoping my approach was going to result in saving my marriage but glad to hear the posts helped you anyway!
I get strength and comfort from reading others' threads (i.e. "lives") so I think we all just help each other without realizing it!

Another friend of mine said he thinks forums are like "halfway houses" for helping people get through the trauma. He said he hasn't posted on SI (the other forum I initially joined) for months because he doesn't feel the need and said he thinks that is probably typical for us when we start to thrive and accept our sitches. Makes sense! BUt I am grateful to the people who visit and come back to give updates. I will!