(((Aver))), Some day I'll learn how to do the boxes for quotes!
OK, fair enough. We keep each other from beating ourselves up! What are twins for??
But I DO need to make this committed effort, really the "no excuses, every day" stuff, otherwise & this is classic me, I'll let everyday life overtake it, and then I find myself not thriving or progressing. Panicking as the weekend comes & I don't have GAL planned. Etc., etc. I'm one of those people who needs a detailed plan.
I emailed H Mon. b/c I decided I needed to reply to his query about the dogs from mid-May. I told him I'd get back to him when worked calmed down, & I wanted to keep my word. Strength & honor & all that.
Here's what he wrote back:
"Hi, I think I was being impulsive when I texted you before. I think it is best for them if they stay together. I also think it would be harder on them to see me every now and then than it would be on me to not see them at all.
Thanks for the suggestion though."
Of course I have a crisis over his "impulsive" email about separating the boys. More work on detachment. On everything.
Every little is so hard. I think you're right, once this legal paperwork stuff is done, I'm not going to have to agonize over all this. It's really taken alot of time out of my workday, not to mention the emotional pummeling. Bleehhh!
Time to plan my days off!! I do like British humor, Monty Python & all that, I'll look into the HH's Guide.
I hope you are doing great, I need to check in on you. You sound awesome though. And, I believe I'm owed some juicy GAL details about a certain escort dude, correct??
Thank you Aver for your support! Lots of hugs and positive energy coming your way! ((((Aver)))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 06/08/1006:08 PM.
First, compliments on your great advice to c1285. See how much you have learned and grown thru this process? You are wiser than you give yourself credit for.
Do I understand that H backed down on separating the dogs? GOOD! Sorry you had to go through all that anxiety first. Yeah, been there--freaking out for days, composing the perfect email reply--and then--just resolved without all the drama I envisioned.
You will feel so much better when all the paperwork is done. What an emotional/time drain that must be.
I have one little check for $70.00 from the bank--closing out the mortgage---that has to be "signed by both parties". So how much time have I spent wondering if it is a) worth it to contact X just to get $35.00? b) best way to send the check and the explanatory note? c) just say "the heck with it?
YOU guess how much time/emotional energy! So, I can't even imagine what strength you have to gather and expend every day just to deal with the details and paperwork. BLEH is right.
I should really download HH to listen to the in car--imagine, the other day I was without my crying towel in the car, and I needed it! If I had been listening to the HH, I would never have forgotten my towel.
OK--so be gentle with yourself, but make those weekend plans. Just like brushing your teeth--it has to be done. Lists work for me.
Ooops--and here I am posting when I should be "working."
Thank you so much I just read this today, I am still trying to figure out how to find where people are replying to me and my posts.
My BF (Fiancé) is afraid of things never changing with me and in response to me, him. For the most part he always pressured me to get married but sometimes it felt like a seal the deal situation verses us coming together,(and with my age too I didn't feel like I knew what it was going to take to be a wife) while towards the situation we are in I was finally feeling secure and ready for us to begin really focusing on marriage.
Right now he is still in the mind frame of everything, arguing, nagging, finances, time management, time spent together or lack there of , obligations with school ect. was all my fault. I know that it took two to create some of our problems. When I look at this forum I see a lot of the same complaints about arguing about the small stuff and the typical couples fight type things. My family and us (BF& me)are very close as his is very divided and unstable with step-family and split members while I am close to his dad and brother (his mother(s) have always been an issue). My family has a history of lots of verbal yelling and aggression which is something that has always effected me and our relationship.Which one incident was what he felt was the last straw (back in April) and was his reason for stepping out of our circle. I was hurt most of all because I felt unsupported and abandoned where and when I needed him as a partner and the problem was completely out of my control and yet I felt he expected me to react and take matters differently, when I can't help the way my father acts or responds to things
We have emailed very little and communicated once a week via phone on his terms for things that seem almost like he is/has found reasons to call with the ball in his court. (i.e. 3weeks ago, I did slip up and called him late sat. night he didn't pick up but called me Sunday 3 times until he got a hold of me to tell me how hard it is for him to deal with this and how much it hurts and I can't be calling him. I stood strong {I felt like} and admitted I should not have called and I understand the way things have been making him feel to the best I could. He ended the discussion very aggressive and anxious/ in a fret and telling me not to call him. Then the following day Mon. he called me repeated times (4x) as I was at school never leaving a message , then he called my parents house spoke to my mom saying he was trying to get a hold of me(this is not a big deal cause he calls regularly to see how everyone is) then as I by chance was at my parents that evening my dad answered and he asked if I was there and he had been trying to get a hold of me. (my dad didn't thank anything of it and like he would normally he handed the phone to me = putting me on the spot) The whole point of this was to tell me I had left a camera piece at his place and he was going to drop it off for me????? These are the hardest situations because I don't know how to respond or react to those kind of situations.
Lately the harder things have been my little sisters who consider him blood (ages 19&14) have been inviting him to things and asking him to join us for social events such as a mutual friend of ours baby shower and family dinner(with me there or not). He did spend some time with them last 2 weeks ago and kind of spent a good while talking about me and how he felt as if I was always angry at him. They said he sounded more like himself then they have been hearing.
The most challenging event was my birthday last Tuesday where my sisters asked him to join us for my birthday dinner (with out my knowledge as the above requests were too). He did call me about 6pm saying very distantly(probably to protect himself)"Happy B-day,hope you have a great 25th" then proceeding to say that he knows it's going to be a painful day for me and that he doesn't want to be an a-hole and that he isn't trying to do that while my sisters keep inviting him to things(the conversation was very choppy) he just can't not now he doesn't know when "his life, he doesn't have much of an understanding of what his life has now or when he will be ready for what ever and he just doesn't know what it is in his future he has no understanding of what it is"
I replied saying thank you for your call it meant much for me to hear from him and to get some rest (he said he was really worn out from the day and work was long)
It makes me feel secure that he is still keeping in contact with my sisters but i know this is hard for them too which is hard for me to see. I do feel good to know that I can tell he is also going through this time too as I am.
Thank you so very much for your encouragement and hopes I know that the future is lively ahead, I am just growing stronger and stronger with each new thing I learn about myself.
Thank you so much I just read this today, I am still trying to figure out how to find where people are replying to me and my posts.
My BF (Fiancé) is afraid of things never changing with me and in response to me, him. For the most part he always pressured me to get married but sometimes it felt like a seal the deal situation verses us coming together,(and with my age too I didn't feel like I knew what it was going to take to be a wife) while towards the situation we are in I was finally feeling secure and ready for us to begin really focusing on marriage.
Right now he is still in the mind frame of everything, arguing, nagging, finances, time management, time spent together or lack there of , obligations with school ect. was all my fault. I know that it took two to create some of our problems. When I look at this forum I see a lot of the same complaints about arguing about the small stuff and the typical couples fight type things. My family and us (BF& me)are very close as his is very divided and unstable with step-family and split members while I am close to his dad and brother (his mother(s) have always been an issue). My family has a history of lots of verbal yelling and aggression which is something that has always effected me and our relationship.Which one incident was what he felt was the last straw (back in April) and was his reason for stepping out of our circle. I was hurt most of all because I felt unsupported and abandoned where and when I needed him as a partner and the problem was completely out of my control and yet I felt he expected me to react and take matters differently, when I can't help the way my father acts or responds to things frown
We have emailed very little and communicated once a week via phone on his terms for things that seem almost like he is/has found reasons to call with the ball in his court. (i.e. 3weeks ago, I did slip up and called him late sat. night he didn't pick up but called me Sunday 3 times until he got a hold of me to tell me how hard it is for him to deal with this and how much it hurts and I can't be calling him. I stood strong {I felt like} and admitted I should not have called and I understand the way things have been making him feel to the best I could. He ended the discussion very aggressive and anxious/ in a fret and telling me not to call him. Then the following day Mon. he called me repeated times (4x) as I was at school never leaving a message , then he called my parents house spoke to my mom saying he was trying to get a hold of me(this is not a big deal cause he calls regularly to see how everyone is) then as I by chance was at my parents that evening my dad answered and he asked if I was there and he had been trying to get a hold of me. (my dad didn't thank anything of it and like he would normally he handed the phone to me = putting me on the spot) The whole point of this was to tell me I had left a camera piece at his place and he was going to drop it off for me????? These are the hardest situations because I don't know how to respond or react to those kind of situations.
Lately the harder things have been my little sisters who consider him blood (ages 19&14) have been inviting him to things and asking him to join us for social events such as a mutual friend of ours baby shower and family dinner(with me there or not). He did spend some time with them last 2 weeks ago and kind of spent a good while talking about me and how he felt as if I was always angry at him. They said he sounded more like himself then they have been hearing.
The most challenging event was my birthday last Tuesday where my sisters asked him to join us for my birthday dinner (with out my knowledge as the above requests were too). He did call me about 6pm saying very distantly(probably to protect himself)"Happy B-day,hope you have a great 25th" then proceeding to say that he knows it's going to be a painful day for me and that he doesn't want to be an a-hole and that he isn't trying to do that while my sisters keep inviting him to things(the conversation was very choppy) he just can't not now he doesn't know when "his life, he doesn't have much of an understanding of what his life has now or when he will be ready for what ever and he just doesn't know what it is in his future he has no understanding of what it is"
I replied saying thank you for your call it meant much for me to hear from him and to get some rest (he said he was really worn out from the day and work was long)
It makes me feel secure that he is still keeping in contact with my sisters but i know this is hard for them too which is hard for me to see. I do feel good to know that I can tell he is also going through this time too as I am.
Thank you so very much for your encouragement and hopes I know that the future is lively ahead, I am just growing stronger and stronger with each new thing I learn about myself.
Would like advice here! I have not been answering fiance's calls when he immediately calls me about random things like he found this of mine or that or we need to talk about bills, ect. kind of calling immediately after the day prior he will be not so nice and tell me not to call, it's always on his terms. I just don't know how to handle the calls because most of the time it ends up being not a ligament reason for him to call (not life or death or extreme deadline type needed communication). So do I ignore the calls and talk to him at a later day???
For example (today)he called my cell and house phone to talk about a bill, I not purposely did not get the 3 prior calls. When I didn't return his call within an hour he text "I was only calling cause I had a question about a bill. No matter sorry to disturb you I will figure it out." I replied " sorry just saw my phone cant talk at this moment everything alright? call u in a sec?" He replies "its what ev" "no rush" I reply "then may I call you when I get home" He replies "ok ok I said when ev" i didn't reply
Question how do I handle this??? What is total in the dark? When is it suggested to use this? I want to talk take the opportunity to sound optimistic promising and positive but I don't know how to approach such calls when i wonder if and why he is REALLY calling. Please help Thank you all!
situation: separated for 2.5 months together 7 years/engaged 5 me:25 him:29
I'm no expert on this, but I think you are threadjacking on LFA's thread.
Trying going to the For Newcomers Forum, and start a thread. If you start your own new posts with your own title (like Looking at a D; or One Day at a Time ) or whatever seems to sum up your own most important question--you will then have your own thread that people can reply to, and you can keep track of your own posts and the support you get.
I think that will work better for you for getting the help and support you need!
I'm sorry you are here, but you will find lots of good help here.
Hey Aver & C1285, I just got back in after my login was disabled! I kept thinking it was my BB, but I emailed help & was given a new login. Whew!
Glad to be back.
C1285, I think Avermont is right in that you might want to post all your details in your own thread, that way you get the benefit of many people's advice. Looks like you started one so you many want to copy & paste your posts in there..
But in answer to your questions, if I understand your sitch, it sounds like BF is VERY confused right now. He called 3 times in a day to tell you not to call him?
Would he consider going to joint counseling w you? If not, maybe you should go alone. Something is going on with him, sounds like.
And the thing for you to remember is, you can't solve it for him. You're doing a good job of being calm even when he isn't, and maintaining a supportive, respectful tone with him. Kudos on that, b/c it's very hard to do.
As far as going dark, I'm not totally sure that's what you should do at this point. Going dark is like a last resort technique. Are you really at that point? I hesitate to give you specific advice except to say, try suggesting counseling. Try to find a good relationship/couples counselor. And go alone if he won't go.
Have you looked into a DB Counselor (hope I didn't scare you away from it!
You'll want to keep your longest detailed posts on your own thread to get the max benefit on the board, which is the goal! I don't want to see you miss on the valuable input from others, most of whom are smarter/more successful at this than I am.
You are doing very well in a difficult situation. This is hard, I know but hang in there.
And take care of yourself. Remember to focus on you during this time, otherwise you will become too tired & stressed out to work on the R. Believe me, I've been there! Please take care & check back. I plan to be back on the board more often! Hugs, LFA
Hi Aver! I'm back - I'm so happy! What a rotten feeling when I was locked out of the DB board. I don't know what happened. One day my login didn't work. Given my many computer problems I assumed that was why. Finally I emailed help & got a new pw.
Anyhoo, at least I got in 1 post to you before then. So, my update: Shortly after the dogs mini-crisis, which was then a non-crisis, b/c H emailed that he "impulsively" asked to keep 1 of dogs, & basically never mind, I in my infinite wisdom noticed that H stopped depositing $$ into the joint savings.
He & I used to dep. $100 of ea. pay into it. Looks like the last one he made was in Mar., right around time he finally opened his own checking & split his pay (which I did in Dec).
And, he's withdrawn money from it since then. Not much, but still.
I bounced btwn "should I tell my L, or should I email H?" the way I always agonize over all this. So I emailed L & asked if I should email him or should she. She said go ahead & let her know what he says.
Well, Aver, that was on June 17 that I emailed him this;
"Hi, I was looking at the joint savings acct. & it looks like your deposits stopped in March?"
I had a thought that maybe he forgot to set that up when he set up his new cking acct. pay split. Or maybe I'm just a sap. But somehow it seemed best to assume innonence.
Anyway, I have NOT heard anything back from him. Since June 17! This is a new record, even for email. Let's see I haven't seen him/spoken to him since Nov. 2nd. Now he's not even replying to my email.
It's kind of good, but kind of sad, that this isn't the foremost thing in my mind. Sometimes out of nowhere I get this pain, a sudden realization - I haven't seen him since Nov.! But it happens less and less. It's a dull pain, like an ache. Still, I have good days & bad days. It's weird, there's no rhyme or reason to it.
I had a bunch of PTO days I needed to take by June 30 or lose them. So I've been off since last Thurs. I am happy to report that I have purchased a laptop online, so Happy Day - I will be back online regularly!
The sad thing is I have all these days b/c I resisted taking the time. And why, well b/c I have a hard enough time GALing on the weekends, never mind filling a bunch of weekdays!!
The first few weekdays I actually got so nutsy I had to take a Xanax. I must be the only person in the world who had to take anti anxiety meds while on vacation!!!
But, I'm doing better. I toyed w the idea of going to NYC by myself, but with needing a new computer & debt worry, decided not to. Right now anyway!
It's like I was afraid to have the time off, without stuff to do every minute of the day (as with work). So I just thought, Ok, I'll FORCE myself to do.
And I remembered a great line I read, maybe on here: If you like your own company, you'll never be lonely. I'm trying to!
So this post is long enough, but I know I better give you a GAL report. I'll warn you, it's shamefully boring as compared with your steamy, man-toy GAL!!
Spent time w my little niece & nephew (5 & 7) saw Toy Story 3 (it's great BTW, see it!); researched, shopped for laptop, bought laptop, looked at houses for sale (exteriors only) am figuring out neighborhoods I'd like to live in this area, bought some new clothes, went to the gym, have started exercising (and I'm feeling it too!), spent a few evenings with sisters/friends visiting.
Boring, I warned you! I look at men, I notice men, but I haven't yet gotten to the point of actually going out with one yet. And I mean just like for coffee or a drink. Not a big fix up thing. I don't know Aver, I'm shy to begin with. Plus my self esteem is battered and my confidence is shaky, if at all. I don't know how I break out of it. Baby steps for me, as I try figure out my next steps. I wish you lived closer, maybe you could coach me.
I will stop by your thread to catch up on what's going on in your world. Grateful I can at least use my brother's computer for now, but can't wait til that laptop arrives! (It's a PC, although I'm writing to you now on a Mac-my bro's). I hope everything's going great, lots of hugs to you (((()))))
So sorry to be away--I have a big project with the Opera House, and Dad is visiting--we're getting the bathroom painted at last.
But on to you, my friend:
A) You are NOT the only person to get anxious during vacation. I bet all of us here--those who went the screaming anxiety route--avoided being alone, without work or a pressing project to do--for months. I know I did. I was totally terrified to have time off without stuff to do. So I did a lot of stuff! Don't ask me now what it was. So take the Xanax so you can make space to breathe, feel any pain, ache or sorrow that comes up, and keep going. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this part of the process, it sucks. But if your doc will keep you supplied with the Xanax, keep working at the down time. The gym helps a lot.
B) Fabo on the new laptop! If you don't get sucked into feeling safe only with virtual interactions, you can spend good time on dating sites, or chat rooms, or whatever--build up your confidence with online chatting and joking. Go to Meetup.com to find a group that you can join. Group things require less confidence that a one on one date. (Dating! Bleh
C) X and joint bank account: I hope you can close that out ASAP. Totally wrong for him to not deposit, and to take $ out. I would make sure your L knew all the details. Re: X not responding: a small chance that your email didn't go through, right? So send another one (copied to your L) and ask again. Don't be a "sap" and trust. And it won't look like you are persuing or being a b***ch--you are standing up for your rights and your boundaries.
D) I think your GAL-ing was great! Family time, SHOPPING! gym, houses, --all great things. Spending time messing around with a transition object is great, but I to do all the things you are doing first, before I could be so daring and silly.
E) If /when $ allows you to get to NYC, let me know. My sis lives there. No reason we couldn't meet up, right? NYC is sooo expensive to spend even a few days, I know. If you can get to NYC, you could get to VT, too. I know it's not nearly as glamorous, but it's cheaper and you would have a place to stay.
Oh, I hope this doesn't come across as some big lecture from Ms. Know it All Divorce Survivor. Hardly! I just so empathize with the anxiety, and am so angry for you that X is doing mean things like bank accounts, dogs, and not returning emails.
And yes, the sorrow and ache when you realize you haven't seen or spoken in such a long time. Wondering how this could possibly be so. And somehow, it is. It is so, and the ache aches, and we just have to somehow keep going.
Sending you love and soothing anti-anxiety thoughts.
Holiday weekends are hard, I hope you have some GAL--I will be checking for good updates!
