I tried to post at work but that's not gonna happen. Too distracting.
I've been having crazy dreams for the past two nights. Saturday I dreamed that Mr. A called me the night before our D was to be finalized and said he made a big mistake. We rushed into the courthouse the next day, grabbed the papers, ran, and went home together. It was a great dream and I hated waking up from it!
Then I woke up at 3 a.m. last night with like some great awakening. I felt calm, like I had direction. I said to myself, after all this time, just don't close your heart, don't close your mind, and don't start making up stories about what happened just to get some temporary relief.
I told myself, you don't "know" what happened and you're not going to find out between now and 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, June 23.
I mean, I've realized a lot of things that I did wrong and I've realized a lot of things that Mr. A did wrong, but I don't know what was the last straw for him. I really don't understand how he could just shut down and block me like this.
I read (I think on Newmama's thread) something about a person with a really messed up childhood finding freedom and rebelling, and maybe this is what happened with Mr. A. Who knows?
So I woke up in the middle of the night with good ideas that gave me at least a tiny degree of comfort. Then I went back to bed and had nightmares for the next three hours.
I dreamt that I drove the wrong way onto an expressway (i.e., driving in on the exit ramp). I dreamt that I was reading something really important and it stopped mid-sentence. I dreamt that I thought I was going to a book club and it turned out to be a divorce support group.
I saw my IC today. He likes to keep the focus on the end of the relationship. Thanks, dude. He's a really good IC, but he bugs me with his constant reality checks. Whatever.
Anyway, I don't want to be getting divorced. I STILL DON'T want to be getting divorced. Yes, I will live through it. Kicking and screaming! (JK!!) (And of course not kicking and screaming to Mr. A!!!!!!!!!)
